As expected, three days later they left for Trost to prepare for their departure on a mission to return of Shiganshina. All three days before departure, Y/N and Eren continued training as long as they had the opportunity - Eren insisted on this more than Y/N. She believed that they had achieved excellent results, which she regularly reported to Hange. Eren didn't feel like it was enough. He was afraid that when the time came, he wouldn't be able to do what he had to do.
Regarding the analysis of the spinal fluid that Y/N borrowed from Eren, she thought she had learned everything she wanted to. She still had some left of the sample she took, she decided to leave it for later. «Suddenly, it could be useful in the future, who knows what will happen next» All her things that she didn't intend to take to Trost, and there were many such things: research equipment, kits with poisons and chemicals, various tools, books and other things she relayed to Historia, who promised to ship it all to Y/N's apartment in the Capital, where she planned to go soon.
Armin and Y/N stopped avoiding each other like they did after the incident with Eren. Nevertheless, a certain secrecy on the part of Armin still remained, to which Y/N preferred not to pay attention, rather than think and make it difficult for herself to live with these thoughts. Her head was already filled with thoughts about work, about research, about their future mission, about her ability to resist the titans. She, of course, thought about him, it was usually before going to bed, when she closed her eyes and he stood before her eyes. Added to her thoughts was Levi's weird request, which was still in her head. Everything he said about the Ackermann's «superiority» intrigued Y/N. She considered her options for what she would do first after returning from their mission, but, as usual, her expectations were far from the reality that awaited her.
They arrived at Trost, where Hange was waiting for them. While they were unloading their belongings, they explained what they and Commander Erwin had been doing all this time: they, together with a team of experienced scouts, developed a plan of action in Shiganshina, which implied several scenarios, including the appearance of a Colossal, Armored and Beast titans. Also, training was actively carried out for recruits who decided to join the Survey corps after everything that had happened in recent weeks. The way Commander Erwin pulled off his plan to uncover the true motives of the government inspired many people. Many soldiers from the Garrison and the Military Police have realized that Commander Erwin isn't just a man who is willing to risk everything to achieve his goal, but also a man who weighs his every decision before risking everything. They understood why the scouts always support their commander, following him without question, devoting their lives without question to the fight for the freedom of mankind. And they decided to follow him too.
After their arrival, they were expected to prepare for the mission within two days. On the evening before departure, something like a party was planned for all those going on a mission beyond the walls. Y/N was impatient to see Erwin again - during these weeks they missed the commander, with whom her connection after what happened in the Capital became very strong. What they achieved inspired her. She believed in him. She believed that he would find a way to bring humanity into a world without fear, where she could be truly happy, as her father wanted. She was afraid of losing him, but she knew that such an option was possible, because they were all scouts. Although she understood all the risks, she didn't realize how the implementation of this option could affect her.
Unlike Y/N, Levi understood how things could end. He had enough of time to study the girl and the nature of her relationship with the commander. For some reason unknown to him, almost five years ago he made the choice to let her into his life, and it wasn't in his nature to refuse his decisions. He often regretted involving himself into it, but though he found it hard to admit it, her company often brightened up his loneliness. She was to him a mini version of Hange and Erwin, only without all the burden of pain and experience that these two have. That's why he wanted to help her. He knew that if Erwin died, she would break. He understood this, because when Erwin brought her to them for the first time, she was already broken. And she was never able to return to the rut, although she pretended that everything was fine. She didn't cope with the death of her father, but simply put it all on the back burner. And losing one more person would just break her heart. He didn't want this for her. And he was angered by the fact that Erwin didn't understand this. It pissed him off that Erwin kept brainwashing Y/N like she was just one of his subordinates. He delivered his standard rousing speeches, talking about the important role of everyone, not realizing that she saw in this not only the words of the commander, but also the words of her guardian, her family. Y/N idealized him, as many scouts did, but, unlike others, when Erwin dies, they'll simply lose the commander, who will be replaced by someone else, and who replaced Y/N her guardian, who will become her new family? Levi understood this, as he had lost loved ones more than once, but, unlike Y/N, he wasn't an emotionally unstable teenager. He understood that she would lose her family. Again. And it could end badly.
***
The two days after returning were crazy. Everyone was busy all the time - there were always some kind of training, meetings, discussions. In addition, Y/N helped with briefings for the Levi's squad, which were to use thunder spears, and with the preparation of all necessary equipment and equipment for departure, it was before this mission that it was decided to conduct a full check of all ODMs that were at the disposal of the scouts. The girl had no time left for communication and her «personal» projects: she worked, ate and slept as much as time allowed. As a result, on the evening of the day before their departure, they finished work at 4 p.m., and Y/N was already tired, and there was still a so-called «party» before the start of the mission. She dreamed of a soft bed and long peaceful sleep for more than six hours. However, she was still full of enthusiasm that they would succeed.
- «WHAT IS THIS?! MEAT?!» with tears in her eyes, Sasha melted at the sight of the festive table.
- «Sasha, please don't...», Jean began to say, but didn't have time.
Sasha pounced on food. Connie and Jean rushed to stop her. It was still a spectacle. When Y/N entered the dining room, where a party was served for the scouts, Jean and Connie were tying Sasha to one of the support columns, and she was still holding a piece of meat in her teeth, resisting the guys.
- It's your own fault, Sasha! Why did you have to bite me?!
- IT'S YOUR FAULT! UNTIE ME, I PROMISE, I WON'T DO THIS AGAIN!
- «Well, no, we won't buy it», Jean answered her and they headed back to the table.
Y/N sat down at the table with Eren, Mikasa and Armin, who were watching with interest. She sat down and began to choose what to eat. Dinner really could be called «party».
- «Y/N, you're late. We've been sitting here for half an hour already», Eren told her. In Trost, his training to become a titan was impossible, so these two days without trainings benefited him - the fire of perseverance and desire to fight played in his eyes again, and a healthy blush returned to the boy's cheeks.
- Hange and I were doing one last check, so, that we don't get up early tomorrow and that there are no problems when leaving to Calaneth.
- «You look tired, Y/N», Mikasa told her with concern in her head.
- «It's nothing, these two days were crazy. I plan to sleep well tonight», she smiled at them.
They were joined at the table by Jean and Connie, who sat on opposite sides of Y/N.
- «Oh, Y/N! So, the seat isn't empty», Jean nudged her with his shoulder. «Sasha, as you can see, prefers to be tied...»
- «I think she prefers to eat indiscriminately», Y/N laughed.
They began to have dinner, talking about this and that. Y/N kept getting those weird looks from Armin that she had tried to ignore since she arrived at the farm. Their relationship seemed completely normal to those around them, but they both knew that this growing tension and understatement made their relationship extremely weird and even a little uncomfortable for both. However, they both reassured themselves that everything was fine, ignoring the growing awkwardness between them, putting the conversation on the back burner.
After a while, the canteen began to stir as the adult scouts were allowed to drink strong drinks today, which most of them were quite happy about, given the nature of their work and the amount of stress that had been accumulating for weeks. The guys, although they didn't drink, also relaxed in each others company, remembering the cadet times and joking with each other.
- «Guys, guys! I have a question for yooou!!», Y/N exclaimed impatiently, with a smile on her face. «Just imagine that we get rid of all the titans and live in peace. What would you like to do? What's the first thing that comes to mind?»
- «I would like to visit the Capital. I always wanted this, even for the sake of it, in fact, I joined the cadet corps a long time ago, well, you all remember», said Jean.
- «I called you «future policeman» when we were training. It was a surprise for me that you joined the Survey corps», Y/N answered him. «But, it's a good wish. You would like the Capital, I think so»
- «I would like to go home. No... I would like to feel like home again», Eren said. «If we were free, then this is the next thing I would like. Feel like home, feel the peace»
These words silenced everyone. Sometimes Y/N, Connie and Jean forgot what Eren, Mikasa and Armin went through. They faced the titans at a very young age, realizing their complete helplessness.
- «I... I would like to plant flowers. Many different flowers... I remember when I was still living with my parents in the mountains, and my mother had a small flower garden. I want one too», Mikasa said almost in a whisper, not looking at the others, obviously embarrassed by her desires.
Y/N reached out her hand and stroked Mikasa's arm, supporting her, seeing how hard those words were for her. She had known the girl for several years, and she could see that she was always thinking about Eren, forgetting about herself. Now, for the first time, she expressed her desire. It didn't concern Eren. For some reason, Y/N thought that Mikasa didn't want to seem selfish, which was why she was so embarrassed. «But sometimes you still need to be able to be selfish»
- I would like to see my mother again. In her normal state. I hope every day that there is a way to get everything back the way it was. I went to the cadet corps because I wanted to be a good soldier, so, that my family could be proud of me. But... Only mother remained from them, and then...
- «Connie, there must be an explanation for all of this. I also hope that turning into titans is retroactive, except, of course, devouring another titan. All this, this whole phenomenon...», Y/N began to reason.
- «So, let's take a break from all this for just one evening, right?» Eren said. «And don't look at me like that, Y/N. When you start talking, you also chatting non-stop like Hange», he added as he saw Y/N look at him with displeasure.
- «Agreed, sorry to escalate», Connie said guiltily, a slight smile on his face.
- «Connie, this is your family, we understand what you're going through, don't apologize, everything is fine», Armin supported his friend.
- «So, Y/N», Jean turned to her, embracing the girl by the shoulder, «what did you yourself want to do? Although, let me guess! Perhaps you want to invent something or...»
- «No», Y/N laughed, «actually, I want to learn how to cook. All really delicious food. I think I would take some courses to learn from people who can cook. I think it's cool, I don't know. When I was in the Capital, I wanted to cook something, but I... I don't know how at all...»
- «That's what I didn't expect from you! It's more like Sasha!», Connie laughed, «no offense, Y/N, but something tells me that you'll be a so-so cook»
- «We'll see about that, Springer!», she jokingly hit him on the shoulder.
- «That's great, Y/N», Mikasa supported the girl, «I think you can do it. You always succeed if you want»
- «Yes, not all... I still don't make friends with blades...», Y/N answered her, lowering her gaze. This «failure» of hers still upset her.
- «So. Okay. Armin! What are you going to do?» Jean asked him.
- I, well...
- «Oh, I know what Armin would like to do!», Eren announced with a smile.
Panic started in Armin's mind. «No, Eren won't say that. He will not tell everyone that I would like to open up to Y/N when we go outside the walls. I was just speculating then, I hope he didn't remember, but if he...»
- «For as long as I know him, he always dreamed of going beyond the walls and seeing the sea. He used to tell Mikasa and me about the outside world and what was supposed to be there and...», Eren spoke quietly so as not to attract the attention of others.
- «Not supposed, Eren. This is all true», Y/N answered him. «It's not just that books about THIS were kept secret»
- «In general, he infected Mikasa and me with this dream. And that's great», he looked warmly at his friend.
- «And we'll see it. Sea. All together», Armin replied, looking at everyone present. His gaze lingered a little longer only on Y/N. He always dreamed of seeing the sea. But he also had another dream.
- «I didn't think you were all so sentimental», Jean said.
- What's wrong with that, Jean?
Eren and Jean are back to doing their favorite thing - swearing. Y/N sat poking at her plate with her fork, thinking about their conversation, while Armin looked at her furtively, thinking about how they would one day see the sea together. How he'll tell her everything that is in his heart. He dreamed that his feelings were mutual, so that there would be no reason in the world for them not to be together. For them to not be happy.
- Y/N.
She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around. Behind her was Captain Levi. Eren and Jean had already left the table and openly beat each other, which was observed by some scouts, making fun of them.
- Captain?
- We need to discuss something. Let's go.
- Now? I'm having dinner.
- You don't seem to have an appetite.
She decided not to try to argue with him and silently followed him, giving a farewell glance to Mikasa and Armin, who were still at the table. Connie was having a good time looking at Eren and Jean in the crowd of other scouts.
They went outside and went into a neighboring building so that no one could see them.
- Levi, what's all this about?
- I want to discuss with you what will happen.
- What is going to happen?
- Mission to Shiganshina. Do you realize that there is a possibility that nothing will come of it?
- Of course, I understand that. But we have a good plan. We have a new weapon against the titans. A lot of people have. And, even if something goes wrong, Erwin...
- What if he dies?
- Why this conversation? I still don't understand...
- What will happen if he dies, Y/N?
- «I... well, Hange will be the new commander», Y/N said, feeling her voice tremble.
- I don't want him to die as much as you do. I'll follow him to the end, do whatever he asks, but Y/N... You don't have to.
- «I feel like I don't understand you at all. Why this conversation? What reaction are you trying to get from me? You say all this in your usual cold and indifferent tone, I can't understand you», she was on edge. «What do you want to hear? That Erwin is dearer to me than any other living person? Yes, he is. What just a thought of losing someone else is tearing me apart? Yes, it is. But I can handle it! Myself! I don't need your lectures on how to live! I'm now able to take care of myself! I don't need the babysitter you're still trying to play with me! I'm no longer a child! And stop acting like this», she figuratively pointed at both of them, «is more than just a working relationship. We're just members of the Survey corps! Colleagues! It all makes no sense!»
She broke. She screamed at him. All those feelings accumulated over all the time, all the fatigue, all the experiences, resulted in one thing - anger at Levi. In the depths of her soul, she understood that now she was behaving just like a child, which she didn't want to seem like, and that after that she would regret what she had said, but at that moment she didn't care. Having said the last words, she turned around and headed for the exit, but froze in the doorway. Not far from the exit, three people were sitting on the threshold - Mikasa, Eren and Armin. They chatted about something peacefully, not paying attention to those around them. They didn't hear the conversation between Levi and Y/N. Or rather, screams.
Y/N decided to listen to what they were talking about. They talked about what would happen. That they're stronger when they're together. The fact that there is a whole world behind the walls. Y/N listened to how inspired Armin was talking about the outside world to his friends, as if trying to give them hope that after all this there would be a happy life. That there is a whole world, a new world outside these walls. There were tears in her eyes.
- Are you okay?
Levi approached her, he also heard everything the guys were talking about. Y/N and Levi were still out of sight for them.
She didn't want to see him. Their conversation upset her. Before that, she was inspired that they would succeed, that they would win this battle. But Levi... He just reminded her of the bitter truth, as he always did. He didn't say anything bad, just the truth. But that only made it worse...
- You don't have to answer.
He noticed the way she looked at the guys. He saw something in her eyes that he had never seen before. Hope. The hopefulness with which she watched Armin Arlert – «Erwin's young protege» - talk about the world beyond the walls. Previously, he was quite skeptical about him - he was weaker than the others in battle, he was quiet, timid. He was good at talking, making plans, which Hange liked. They worked great together. And then... Armin Arlert killed a man in defense of his comrade. Then Levi appreciated him. He realized that he might have been braver than many, but he didn't understand it himself. And the way Y/N looked at him...
***
Y/N slept badly. The conversation with Levi seemed to provoke all her worries. When she was awake, she was worried, and when she was asleep, she had nightmares. Today she stood at the edge of the building and looked down, where there was only darkness. Then - she stood in the field, there was fog around, and there were shadows in the fog. They grabbed her by the arms and pulled her towards them. In the shadows, they saw the faces of dead comrades. Their lifeless empty eyes. Someone was calling her. She turned, but no one was there. She was alone. In the void. Among the ghosts.
She didn't talk to anyone at breakfast. The night only made her tired. «Thank you, damn Levi, go to hell» The guys didn't pay attention to Y/N's vexation, since she acted like that quite often.
According to the plan, they left Trost for Сalaneth, and in the evening they were already heading from Calaneth to Shiganshina. It was decided to go at night, at this time the titans aren't active, and with the new «lanterns-crystals» of the Survey corps, the scouts could move at night. They planned to get to Shiganshina overnight.
- What are you thinking about?
They left Calaneth about an hour ago. Y/N rode next to the commander.
- Mm? Why do you think so?
- You're unusually silent today, Y/N. Tell me what's bothering you?
- It's all right, Uncle Erwin. I'm just tired. Had a bad sleep.
- Listen, I see what you're going through. But everything will work out. It should work. At any price. Everyone here today has made a conscious decision to come with us, which means...
- They're ready to die for our goal, I know. But I'm really just tired...
Lie. She was scared.
- Can you go to the central ranks? Maybe in the wagon there is a place among the supplies to rest?
- Don't worry, I can handle it...
- No, go. If you want, I'll order you.
- Okay.
Y/N slowed down. She caught up with Mikasa, who was riding a little behind Armin and Eren. The boys didn't notice her, busy talking.
- «Y/N, hi. You look tired», Mikasa said.
- That's why I'm here. Driving ahead of the formation, falling asleep, isn't a good idea.
- Had a bad sleep? Again incomprehensible dreams?
- More like nightmares.
Mikasa could see that Y/N was exhausted. Her eyes closed, but she tried her best not to fall asleep.
- «Oh, Y/N! We didn't notice you», said Eren, «I thought you were in the front group»
- Obviously not anymore.
For a while they continued to move. Mikasa caught up with Eren, they were whispering about something, and Armin was driving not far from Y/N. At some point...
- «Y/N!», Armin abruptly drove closer to the girl and helped her. «You almost fell off your horse!»
- «Oh», she looked at the worried boy, «I think I fell asleep. I'm sorry you had to...»
- «Did you plan on getting enough sleep before the mission?» He looked at her anxiously and remarked how tired she was, «Are you having nightmares again?»
She just nodded at him.
- Come to me.
- What?
- Get on my horse. I'll hold you and you'll sleep. I won't let you fall. I promise. And I'll lead the horse nearby in a hitch.
She looked at him. In the light of the lanterns, his eyes shimmered like the night sky. She saw that he was worried about her. And, damn, how she wanted to sleep. It was simply unforgivable to refuse.
She climbed onto his horse and sat behind him, hugging the boy by the waist, pressing her whole body against him. Armin assumed it would be the other way around, although now, he was glad that she did just that - he thought that he would hardly have dared to take such a bold hug.
- Don't let me fall, Armin.
- Never.
Y/N buried herself in his back and began to fall asleep, hugging him tightly. She could smell freshness and bitter zest. She felt warm. She heard the beating of his heart. All other sounds disappeared into oblivion. She was safe with him. She believed in it. She fell asleep. And there were no nightmares. Only Armin. They lay in a clearing next to the kitchen in the cadet corps and looked at the sky, peering through the crowns of trees. They touched each other's palms in an innocent gesture, giving a feeling of spiritual closeness with another person.
***
- EVERYONE HURRY! THE FORWARD TEAM IS THE FIRST TO CLIMB THE WALL, WE'LL CLIMB IN GROUPS AS NECESSARY!
Y/N woke up. She was still hugging Armin, who was busy looking around. She noticed the look of concern and caution on his face. And then...
She tore her gaze away from his and saw walls ahead of her and a hole that opened onto a ruined city.
They arrived at Shiganshina.