Title: Rogue in Paris
Author: SydPanda5
Chapters Reviewed: 1-4
Cover: It's good! Personally, I'm not a fan of the color scheme for it, but somehow, it's still fitting. It would've been neat if there had been more color, especially red, as it would make the blood drops stick out more. Upon a first quick glance, it almost gives me romance vibes rather than spy thriller vibes.
Title: It's really fitting for a spy thriller and not something common, so that's great. It kind of reminds me of a novel I liked written by James Patterson. Private Paris.
Blurb: I love it! This is an excellent example of what should be included in a blurb. You give us just enough details about what the story will be about all while leaving bits of suspense, making us wonder what will happen on this mission. It already has me excited to start reading this story!
First Impression:
This story reminds me a bit of the spy series by Daniel Silva with the American spies. Your premise already had me hooked and wanting to read more. In the first chapter, things start out much differently than I expected with Harper speaking to a therapist, paid by the organization she works with. She seems to not care for sharing her thoughts and feelings, then ends up sharing a rather large backstory with us. It was rather contradictory there, and I can't say I'm a fan of starting off with a backstory either.
While I liked the backstory, I do wonder if there's a better placement for it or perhaps a better way to incorporate it so suddenly into the story. My suggestion would be starting out on the day that backstory takes place, but I understand if that's not possible due to the plot. Otherwise, I'd suggest waiting until we're further into the story to show it.
Chapter 1: This chapter was a nice introduction into her life. We start off in a therapy session, then things skip back to six months prior. It's usually not advised to have a time skip happen so soon, especially within the first chapter like I mentioned above, but it works well enough here. I do feel like the transition was a bit sudden, jumping from her not wanting to open up to the therapist to suddenly bringing out this substantial backstory, and wonder if there could be a way to incorporate it a little smoother into the chapter if you want to keep it in Chapter 1. The information provided was important to the plot, it seems, and quite interesting!
But is there a reason it couldn't have been shown first rather than in a therapist session? Perhaps the time skip will be relevant to the present as well? Like, could you not have started this first chapter off on the day the time skip occurred six months ago with the Russian assassin? There's quite a bit of detail in the backstory, and by the way it's inferred, she confides in all of this to the therapist. Which seems a bit odd, considering she never opens up about her emotions but mentions her slight panicking, needing to count.
I did really like the idea of the Russian spy taking the suicide pill already hidden in his mouth! That was quite clever and felt so realistic for him to do under those circumstances. It has me curious about the other types of cases they'll handle.
One thing I found a little odd is the use of italics in thoughts when it's in first person perspective. We're already in the head of the main character. While I understand this might be a stylistic choice, it was just something I found to be a little strange. I usually only see it when in third person.
Chapter 2: I have to admit, toward the end, I got a little lost in this chapter. You start off with details about their mission and prepare to head out to Paris, then about halfway through you have "Chapter 2" written like a scene break and we get a nightmare/slight backstory. You keep mentioning a "he" without a name, which makes it much more difficult to sympathize with the deceased character when we don't even know who he is. It would help tremendously in empathizing with that character, as it's hard to feel much for a nameless, faceless guy.
(I later figured out she means Agent Porter, which has me more confused as to why you can't just mention his name instead? It had me perplexed for the longest time about who she was talking to)
The jump to Harper suddenly being home asleep and having a nightmare wasn't transitioned very well here. It was too abrupt, and honestly had me confused the entire time about what was happening. It almost felt like I'd read two separate chapters in one. Personally, I don't feel like the nightmare was necessary here yet, as you've already established her pain over the guy being taken and Harper not saving him in the first chapter. I also don't really understand where they're at in the flashback/nightmare. I remember her mentioning a Texas mission going wrong, but now we're at some unknown beach? Unless that somehow connects? Things seem to keep being thrown in at random without much context and the main plot of the mission in the blurb isn't being the main focus like I'd hoped it would.
One thing I found interesting is how she seems to have been in a romantic relationship with Agent Porter. At least, I'm taking that from the nightmare because I believe that's of him and her? Even though it doesn't mention his name for some reason. However, while that's interesting to learn about him, it wasn't shown properly and just randomly info-dumped into the second chapter. I would highly suggest omitting it.
Chapter 3: Sometimes, I forget that they're spies on a mission. The way the characters come across in this chapter made it feel like an ordinary trip with friends. Not a mission. You've mentioned Harper being such a great leader, yet I've not seen anything that really proves that. Honestly, Harper comes across as more naïve and almost teenage-like at times, but that might just be her inner thoughts. Nothing wrong with that! Some people can just be more of a child at heart. But she doesn't give me the vibes of an American spy.
Three chapters in and we're finally in Paris! I'm hoping that they'll really start getting more into the mission now. The only part that really reminded me that they're spies on a dangerous mission is when it was mentioned with the Russian they saw on video, but otherwise, it's been difficult to imagine these three individuals as spies. Especially considering the two are already best friends. It just feels more like a girls trip. I also don't understand why nobody seems to realize how Agent Porter's disappearance has impacted her or know how important he was to her. You'd think people working this closely together would piece things together, but maybe they're just not as close as I'm assuming.
This is a personal preference, as I've read stories like these before that focus more heavily on dialogues rather than descriptions, but I do think a few lines describing the place, especially with it being in Paris, would really help readers visualize the scene better. Throughout this chapter, there were barely any descriptions at all, which I can understand with the plane ride. No need to go into too many details there, but maybe toward the end when they land it would be nice to mention a bit about the city and airport. Just a little something to bring the town to life.
Chapter 4: I'm not familiar with Paris, France laws, but I don't believe you can just leave your pistol in the passenger seat. I know you can't do that where I live in the states. You have to keep it concealed. It's also not recommended you ever leave your firearm in your car. Considering her job, I'd also reckon that's not very safe. Wouldn't it make more sense for her to keep the gun on her? Or at least keep the gun hidden, like under the seat or in the glove box maybe? Not to mention, she leaves the gun in the car later when she goes to view the Eiffel Tower. Anyone could steal it. (Only strengthens my point more when she gets cornered by bad guys at the end and doesn't have her weapon with her)
While it was nice to get some action happening at the end of the chapter, I have to admit that this didn't feel too realistic for a spy. Maybe one that's not good at her job? The whole time I was face-palming when she abandoned her gun in her car in a foreign country, then she went out on a joy-ride instead of focusing on her mission. Not to mention, she decides to cross through a sketchy alley and senses something's wrong soon enough. She just comes across as unprofessional and a bit childish to me, which I'm not sure is your intention. If so, you did well with that, but if you're wanting to portray her more as a legit spy I'd suggest putting more focus into the mission and concentrating on her job. Maybe even make her an older adult? It's really hard for me to imagine a professional spy only being twenty years old. (This last bit is just a suggestion. I know even for cops, most places will only take you on at 21, so having a spy on a mission like this at only 20 is kind of far-fetched)
Her responses with Beau came across as rude and again, childish. As a spy, I'd assume something important would be to blend in and not cause any attention to herself. Acting like a "stick in the butt" really doesn't do well. To her, this man was just a stranger as well. Perhaps if she'd had more reason or suspicion to believe he was a bad guy, I'd understand her reaction. As it is, it just made her come across as a brat who doesn't know what she's doing. I really feel like Burris will regret putting her in charge, and I certainly understand his doubts now.
Characters:
Harper Medley: My main focus will be on her character, as there wasn't as much focus on anyone else. They more or less had a few lines of dialogues and small descriptions, but it wasn't enough to really get a huge idea of their personalities.
I really wanted to like her. The idea of a young female spy sounded really neat! She just fell short and read more like a teenager rather than an adult spy. If this was your intention, then you did well with it. I feel like this type of character is pretty common and well liked on Wattpad. However, she doesn't come across as a spy. Not at all. You've said she's this intelligent, independent woman who makes a great leader, but you don't show that. You show a naïve young woman who's traumatized by a mistake she made in the past that runs around acting like a teenager. Wasting time driving around town when they're on a mission? Leaving her gun in her car to go sight-seeing the Eiffel Tower? Letting her nightmares consume her and unwilling to communicate with her team about what's been troubling her? Do any of those things sound like they'd fit the description of a great leader for an organization of spies?
Now, I can understand if you're wanting to show her skills dwindle because of the trauma she faced with Agent Porter in Texas. But maybe cut out those childish bits and show more of her trying to do that. Rather than get an attitude with Burris in the beginning of Chapter 2, she could apologize and promise to do better for their team. Not just whining about herself and how she needs to be put in charge because of how great she is. Instead of taking a joy-ride, maybe she could actually start working on their mission. It's no surprise that some bad guys found her when she's acting so unprofessional.
Burris: He seems like a good guy, not much into nonsense. He's a nicely developed side character, and I probably liked him the most out of anyone so far? He also felt the most realistic to me.
Gus: I really can't say, personality-wise, just because he's not mentioned enough or given enough dialogues to really gauge what kind of guy he really is. He seems quiet, I suppose, since he doesn't get much "screen time" in this story. Has potential for sure.
Amber: Again, she didn't come across as a spy to me either. I give her credit for not coming across as childish though, but I do wonder if you could portray her in a more professional light. Not to say she can't be excited about going to Paris, as I'm sure this is the first time they're traveling out of state. But maybe balance out that playfulness and professionalism in her. The way she gushed and got excited over going to Paris made it seem more like a girl's trip rather than a mission. Even the crushing on the other agent gave me more high school girl vibes rather than actual spies.
Beau: Since he's only introduced at the very ending, I can only say I'm interested in him. He seems like he'll be a pretty cool character and get pretty close to Harper much later on when she stops acting horrible toward him. Hopefully, he'll be able to pull her out of the mess she's gotten herself into.
Overall thoughts: After reaching the end, I realized that the "mystery man" I mentioned above is Agent Porter. I'll admit, it confused me at some points because sometimes you'd only refer to him as "he" or "him" without ever mentioning his name. At least, I'm assuming that's who it is. If not, please correct me, as I'll be honest, it was difficult to keep track of what was going on at times.
I highly recommend putting more focus into the current mission and less dwelling on the past. I'd also suggest trying to make some moments a bit more realistic, like with her abandoning the gun and the occasional childish moments I mentioned above. For instance, in Chapter 4 when she's rude and bratty toward Beau at the beginning. Who was nothing but a simple stranger. If you want to keep her acting hostile toward him, I'd suggest making her more suspicious of him, thinking he's up to no good. Maybe she'll think he's someone trying to steal from tourists? Or feels like he's a creep.
Another instance where she came across this way was during her conversation with Burris in Chapter 2. I'm surprised he'd even let her go on the mission at all when she whines about not being put in charge as the leader. I really don't blame him either, as from what I've seen, she hasn't done well with following orders or shows any traits of being a good leader. We're only told that she's exceptional at fighting, which seems to be the main reason for her to be a prominent member of the team. I can't say I can see the intelligent part yet... Not after witnessing her abandon her own gun in a car she rented. In the passenger seat.
This is just an idea, but I would've loved actually seeing what happened that day with Harper and Agent Porter. With the chapters I read now, nothing really happened. Not until I got to the end of Chapter 4. I feel like we could've seen some exciting things between these two, especially with Agent Porter being kidnapped. Having seen all that, I'd be more understanding as to why Harper's not on her full game. She'd be reeling from what happened, trying to get through it and find the people who'd taken him. Instead, we get her acting moody, doing whatever she wants, and enjoying this like it's a luxury trip.
Now, I normally don't bring up grammar points often in my reviews but this one issue I noticed frequently throughout all the chapters I read. You use adverbs quite a lot, especially in your dialogues.
Examples:
"When do we leave, sir?" Gus asks hesitantly (Chapter 2)
"You ready to fly to Paris?" Amber asks excitedly (Chapter 3)
"What kind of question is that?" I asked annoyedly (Chapter 3)
"Enjoy your stay," she says brightly (Chapter 4)
These were only a few that I noticed throughout your chapters and would suggest removing the adverbs. If you want to spice up your tags, you could always opt for an action tag instead if you need something more than the dialogue to convey the proper emotion. Body language can help a lot for these.
Another thing with the dialogue tags that I found odd is how much your characters growl. Maybe trim those "growl" moments down to at least one and when that character is very angry. This could just be me, but I don't see many people actually growling while they talk, even when annoyed.
Overall, I feel like you need to work more on making this more believable. Not to say it needs to be 100% accurate, as I've fictionalized bits of my own series too, but you need more to suspend my belief that this could actually happen. As it is, I couldn't see Agent Harper Medley still having a job with how she behaves.That's not to say she can't have a rebellious or badass female type of personality. No, but she needs to show a more professional side and stronger leadership skills. Also, can you actually become a spy at only twenty years old? I feel like you can't, but I'd be willing to overlook that part.
I really like the concept of this story and think it could do really well! This is only my personal opinion, keep that in mind. Feel free to disagree with me at any time, I understand. Perhaps my image of this being more of a serious crime drama story just isn't adding up with the genre and theme you're going for.