Lullaby of Death by Summerwitch
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences
I read 8 chapters of your story available at this time.
Your book is tagged as a portal fantasy, high fantasy and dark fantasy, so I looked first and foremost at how much the story stimulated my imagination and how important your main character had become to me; how much I wanted to figure out what's going to happen to them, the setting that told me that 'it could possibly happen this way', and if I would be able to remember your story a few months from now. In addition, I looked for the gritty feel of dark fantasy and the portal fantasy staples.
The title of your story tells me it is a dark fantasy with lyrical undertones, however it doesn't really relate to the core idea that an injured ballerina finds herself in the magic world where she is a magic being and fights in the arena with a team of fighters. I would also like to warn you that one of your tags mentions content that is against Wattpad Content Guidelines.
Usually, I am not a fan of more than one foreword before the story starts, but in the case of your book, that was the right decision. The collab you are in is unique and it's fun to read about this many writers bringing a fantasy world to life together. Thumbs up on doing it! Loved it.
The opening chapter is lovely, setting up the conflict both within Aster and the storyline. My only two suggestions would be to shorten the bit before Aster is revealed as a spectator OR lampshade who Giselle is and how it relates to Aster, otherwise you rely on the reader to know Giselle's story and make this connection, but at this point we know neither Aster, nor Giselle.
I would also suggest clarifying Aster's ultimate aspiration (I.E. does she want to become a choreographer?) that conflicts with her family's desires (revealed later).
Otherwise, I feel that all the characters are crisp, masterfully blending familiar Cinderella's archetypes with personality touches that make them distinct and easy to imagine. I, however, wasn't sure if father acted as an ultimate arbiter of Aster vs Evil Step-Mother/Sister or the trio represented the united front against Aster. That would be great to know.
If chapter 1 establishes Aster as the main character, chapter 2 builds up the setting. I have to say that I could never have enough 'sucked into a favorite book' stories, and while here the portal is a bit different, I loved that you are starting with a book. It has Narnia's vibes, sort of in the same fairy-tale cloud, but it is not Narnia.
A quirky guide-character also enters the story here, Ben, as a guidethroug( the portal. At this point, I have a couple of comments only: I feel like my instinct is to nudge the pacing a little forward. Second, I am not sure if the motivation to go back to the real world is strong enough for Aster as a character.
Ben disappears in Chapter 3, where Aster is whisked through the portal. There, a completely new cast of characters shows up to stick around.
Erik, a friend of Aster's alter ego on the other side (Lili), was the star of the cast for me.
He had a clear conflict that was growing as the story progressed from chapter 3 to 9. He likes Lili, he wants her back, but he can't tell anyone that Aster inhabits her body. Meanwhile, he might actually come to like Aster too. He has a few layers of feelings and his reactions are so relatable. Really loved him and the growing relationship between him and Aster.
The storyline in chapters 4-9 revolves around tournament style team combat. Aster inherits both Lili's team and Lili's nemesis and steps into the fray. There is a particularly intriguing point when she glimpses Lili in some form in the same realm.
While this storyline is entertaining for me in and of itself, what I would suggest considering to power it up further, is connecting chapters 1-2 to chapters 3-9 via Aster's personal conflict.
I feel it might make Aster more approachable as the main character and give the tournament personal meaning.
Otherwise I felt that Aster's dream of becoming a ballerina sort of falls by the wayside from chapter 3 onward.
She now can walk, but takes Lili's spot and I didn't really feel any emotion from her about it. Neither does she wonder what Lili is doing with her body back in her own verse... if she is more successful than Aster with regaining the ability to walk...
I think it would be nice if her personal story tied with the arena story here. A competition is easier to invest into when it is all important to the character. But Aster's most important thing to want is to dance as shown in chapter 1. And she needs to reconnect with her mother and/or father...
Other things is, I feel that my suspicion in chapter one about not getting attached to the cast there, because I won't be seeing them, was justified.
They drop out of the story (along with Ben).
It makes me wonder if the story can start in the basement, with Aster discovering that her estranged father still comes there to dust her mother's things and is overwhelmed by missing her mother and guilt over losing her on the way to ballet recital. That might start me up with the real cast with less of the disposable one & convey her dream to dance again at the same time more economically.
Good luck with developing your story and hope these notes are helpful.