The Halfling Reborn written by verybean
i. COVER & TITLE
You cover is very simple, but it works okay. I would more consider it to be like a placeholder cover for something that comes really great later, just because that font is a bit hard to read and the cover doesn't really 'pop'. Again, massive list of designers in my graphics resources that can help you out here.
I like the title, but I don't really see it as all that interesting. Again, it works for now, but you might want to consider trying something that jumps out a bit more. In addition, even after reading the blurb, I don't really understand the title. It's not mandatory to have an understandable title from the beginning, but it is something to consider because it really intrigues readers.
ii. BLURB
I...don't like your blurb. For one, you start off with a scene, which is something I really don't think works for any books. Second, there's just a lot in your blurb. And there's also not a lot of organization. I'd suggest using a blurb format to organize your thoughts, cut and add the necessary/unnecessary things, and rework from there. Lastly, I think you would greatly benefit from simply splitting up your blurb to make it look more manageable to readers. Right now, that big chunk of words is pretty daunting. I'd recommend a whole rewrite using the tips above.
7 / 1 5
i. PUNCTUATION
the ellipsis
The clause after the ellipsis and the colon are capitalized in American and Canadian grammar on the conditional that it is independent: It has a verb, subject and forms a complete thought. For example:
'Cleo realized the woman had an accent...was that French?"
The 'w' on 'was' should be capitalized there.
the semicolon
The semicolon is used to separate independent yet related clauses since the comma isn't 'strong' enough to do that. For example:
'Tansy was right though, she could definitely find someone if she wanted.'
Here you have the textbook place for a semicolon, but you've used a comma. The first clause here 'tansy was right though' is independent, and so is the second. So replace that comma with a semicolon and you're on your way to perfect. I saw this a few times.
the dash
You're using the hyphen where you should be using the em dash. For example:
'and she totally wouldn't ever even consider sticking to them if it weren't for - '
So that's a hyphen (-) which is used for hyphenated words like sister-in-law. When you want to interrupt narration or dialogue, like you do above, you use the em dash, like this:
'and she totally wouldn't ever even consider sticking to them if it weren't for—'
ii. FORMATTING
When you've got Cleo experiencing internal thoughts like "A perfect necklace for who? Marie Antoinette?" Then you don't want to put the double quotations. In fact, you don't want to put anything. Just the italics. Otherwise, your readers are going to get it mixed up with actual dialogue, which we don't want.
13 / 1 5
i. PACING
This has been a theme in my last few reviews, but I promise I'm not copy/pasting. I think you've got too much internal monologue. You're talking about Cleo, then on to Tansy and all about them. While I think you have some excellent characterizations in there, it's just too much information for a beginning chapter, and it's causing slow pacing. All that happens in the first chapter is all these big, long explanations about Cleo and Tansy, and then they leave for this party after getting ready. Not a lot of action, you know? Maybe it's worth looking at the pacing again.
ii. TRANSITIONS
I think the transitions work really well in your story! Not a bombard of timeskips or dramatic ending, but just enough to keep us piqued. Well done here!
0 7 / 1 0
i. CHARACTERS
I was so, so impressed at how Cleo was coming along. The details were just great! But then they became a little too much. That is, I think you give enough through narration without telling us. Sometimes there was a sentence where you would tell us something directly, like 'Cleo was a perfectionist'. Is there better ways to show that kind of thing? Do we need to know that Cleo is a perfectionist when we already have all these good details on her right from the get-go? I think not. Really pick and choose which details are essential, and which are more tell-y. Like I said earlier, I think you're giving us too much. We don't need you to tell us Tansey is more outgoing than their roommate. We can definitely see that ourselves through the dialogue. In addition, you told us everything about these two people in the first chapter. Leaving some things up to mystery is a sure way to intrigue your readers and get them to continue reading.
ii. SCENES
In scene description, I think you walk the fine line between just enough and too much a bit better. In my opinion, it can still end up being too much, like the description of this underground club. It was a very long description with no breaks. If you really want all that, try splitting it up with action or dialogue. However, I don't think you need it all. One or two sentences will do the trick.
0 7 / 1 0
i. PLOT
I really do like where the story seems to be going. However, I'm just a little confused at this snake tattoo. Cleo and Tansy appear to be really good friends and roommates, but Cleo didn't know about the tattoo Tansy has on their wrist? To me, that doesn't seem right. It was this weird sort of break in a really good plot. I really do like where the story is going, and that was honestly the only part of the plot that threw me for a loop. Just be careful to fix up any sort of 'holes' like that!
ii. TONE
You have a wonderful, interesting and easy-to-read tone. I'm not a huge fan of the numbered lists that keep coming up, but I suppose that's part of what makes your writing unique, and the story is too good for it to make me stop reading. Your tone is forcing me to adore Cleo and Tansy, and even making me feel for the characters and what they're experiencing. I really think you're doing a great job here!
0 9 / 1 0
While I think you give us a lot too much description of both characters and scene, I really do enjoy your plot. I find Cleo fun, interesting, and most would probably find her relatable. If they don't, they've got Tansy there to enjoy as well. I really like the background on Cleo, her past, and the things we might find out. I love this creepy/cool club we're being introduced to, and as a reader, I wouldn't be able to wait to find out what happens next.
4 3 / 6 0