The Vampire's Appeal written by MelainaBlanc
i. COVER & TITLE
I really think you need a new cover. The cover you currently have is not representative of your ability to write. It's got too much going on, too much contrast, not enough eye-catching details. I have a reading list full of graphic designers that might be able to help out!
Now, do I think your title is representative and pretty unique? Yes! But I think you need to take the word 'vampire' out—and here's my reasoning: Most vampire stories on Wattpad are not written this well, and the general Wattpad reader base knows that. Often, vampire stories have a rep, and since yours is not only well-written but also pretty unique, I'd say you can come up with a title that's a little more original and appealing to a larger audience.
ii. BLURB
I think your blurb is written really well. Great hook, great info, great organization. I don't like the ending, because I think blurbs should stay in blurb-world and the author should stay out of it. I think you should end it at 'and that's only the beginning.'
1 0 / 1 5
i. PUNCTUATION
commas:
You've really got your commas down! I saw a mistake here and there, but nothing persistent that I can recommend fixing. However, I do think you use a few too many commas. They're not wrong, exactly, but a lot of your sentences use six or seven commas, which is just too much in my eyes, and they cause a pretty confusing flow. Most of the time, when writers have this problem, the fix comes by just splitting sentences, which I think you could benefit from. This is your biggest (only) logistical problem that needs fixing, because I do think it's affecting the story.
the ellipsis
You have only one problem that was persistent in terms of logistics, and that's the ellipsis capitalization. You're using American, and American capitalizes the clause after the ellipsis if that clause is independent. That is, it has a subject, verb, and makes a whole thought. For example:
'The evil eye...what does that mean, exactly?'
Since 'what does that mean' is a full sentence, it should be capitalized after the ellipsis there. Same goes for colons. However, if you have this sentence:
'Harm like...physical harm?"
Since that second clause doesn't have a subject and does not form a full thought, we don't capitalize that 'p' on physical. So you were right here, but wrong above. Just something to keep an eye out for.
ii. FORMATTING
So you've got some weird indents occasionally happening in your dialogue, and they don't look great. Since you're in block format, you never need indents. Ever. Get rid of those. In addition, when it comes to formatting, I'm not a big fan of how you bold words. I know it's a personal choice, but bolding words always feels a little unprofessional. Better to go with the good old italics, in my opinion.
13 / 1 5
i. PACING
I love how you get down right into the story. I'm really interested! However, you've got a bit of a dragging pacing when it comes to action, which I believe is coming from, simply, just too much explanation and description. When we see Jared running, escaping or fighting something, we want to experience the stress and terror he does, and we can't do that if the pacing is sapping because of the long paragraphs in between the really interesting stuff. Honestly, I think your pacing issue is just a matter of haircutting that word count—especially in places where the action is supposed to be moving fast.
ii. TRANSITIONS
So we start of the story by transitioning right into a book that Jared is reading. Now that works really well, but I think you're missing a big opportunity here by not starting the book in the book. If you start it when Jared is already reading, that's a whole new level of hook. In addition, I think you're including a bit too much from the book. That book's plot—since this is the beginning of your story—is blending into your story, and causing me to feel a little uninterested. Two or three paragraphs from the book would do it. Any more is just splitting the reader's concentration and flow.
Another thing is that I was really confused starting off the second chapter. I think Jared was in a dream, but the dream wasn't abstract enough for me to really make that connection. I'd go back and see if you might've missed some indicators that could provide a bit more context to whatever is going on at the beginning of that chapter.
Lastly, I think you've got too many timeskips, especially in your beginning chapters. What kind of things could you show us in between those? Not using timeskips is definitely a way to combat confusion, that's for sure! Something to think about.
0 7 / 1 0
i. CHARACTERS
So we don't have a physical description of Jared right off the bat, but I do see you describing this vampire pretty in-depth, and in a way that works pretty well for me. Again, I think you could benefit from making everything shorter, because that'll snap up your story.
One other thing I wanted to mention here is the dialogue between your characters. You use the occasional dialogue tag—always formatted right!—but you don't use a bunch of action tags, and you're pretty slim on the tags either way. I'm not ever confused as to who is talking, but I do feel a little bit—for lack of a better word—bored at your dialogue. Tell us if the character reached up and brushed their hair back, or if they made an awkward shuffle as they spoke. These kinds of things really add depth to your characters!
ii. SCENES
Again, great scene description, but too much in my opinion. I find myself starting to get uninterested every time something is getting described or explained. I don't want to repeat myself too much but one last time, thinking about your word count might solve a lot of the difficulties I had here.
0 8 / 1 0
i. PLOT
This plot is so original and different from its genre! I really like your characters, the nose-dive into the story, and the direction it seems to be going. Again, I got a bit confused at the beginning of that chapter, and sometimes I went a little, 'hold on, what's going on?' Fixing this problem comes down to reading your story as if you've never heard it before. You know the context, we don't. Try to think like us while you edit.
ii. TONE
I find your tone super easy to read. As always, there is potential for you to have a bit more originality in your narration—show us what makes Jared's head different from all the other stories out there. Metaphors, irony, undertones—they're all important aspects that come from nothing more than practice! But an overall great tone as it is!
0 9 / 1 0
This book surprised me over and over! Your grammar is great; you clearly put a lot of work into perfecting your story. There are a few areas of confusion and long-winded areas, but those can be smoothened out with editing. Otherwise, I would definitely consider this to be a binge-worthy story.
4 7 / 6 0