Iridescent Stars written by PresidentDuck
i.COVER & TITLE
I like the picture on your title a bit, and I do like the fonts as well, but together they don't exactly make a 'professional' vibe. This could just be my opinion since I can't exactly put my finger on the problem here, but perhaps it's worth asking for a second opinion. As of now, I don't think it holds that 'spark' that a cover should.
Your title is awesome. Cool, unique word with a word we know already. Makes for a title that makes sense, but also has some mystery to it.
ii. BLURB
Blurbs are the first thing a reader reads about your story, and therefore they make-or-break decisions as to whether they chose to continue on. To capture their attention and keep in, you need a hook. "For twenty-nine years" is not a good hook. We don't care how long it is. We want some serious insight into the story, right off the bat.
The biggest problem with your blurb is the fact that there just isn't enough information. He's a star, but how is that possible? What world are we dealing with here? He's journeying to self-discovery, but nobody really knows what that means. Your blurb is all fine and cool, but there's no actual information in it, which makes me reluctant to read on. I want to know exactly what Wilder is looking for. If he just sets off in a general direction hoping for self-discovery, your book wouldn't be very good. I'm assuming there's some sort of reason for him setting off, but as of now, I have no clue what it is. Frankly, you just need to tell me more in your blurb, starting with some essential questions: Where are they going, and why are they going there?
0 9 / 1 5
i. PUNCTUATION
You have a tendency to miss commas rather than include too many—which to me is always a good thing since it's easier to fix. However, you should attempt to go through your story and place in commas for ease of reading. You're not horrible with commas by any stretch, but I did find quite a few places where the sentence came out too fast and slightly confusing because a comma wasn't where it was supposed to be. The simple way to catch these is to separate thoughts by a comma. Take this for example:
'Snow fell from the sky creating piles upon piles of small white hills.'
There's two thoughts here: snow is falling from the sky, and it's creating piles. Because these are two thoughts, you need a comma to separate them. Correction:
'Snow fell from the sky, creating piles upon piles of small white hills.'
ii. TENSE
You have a slight tense problem, but any tense problem is a big problem. Often, when something just feels off about the story, but you can't figure out what it is, it's the tense. Inexperienced readers will notice it right off the bat, but they might not know what's causing it. Experienced readers will know right away that you have a tense problem, and they won't like it.
Most of your story is written in the past tense, but then you'll have the occasional present-tense verb. Here's one:
'But underneath that fur coat and snarled teeth lies a trapped soul.'
'lies' is a present-tense verb, and therefore it sticks out when used in a past-tense story. I would recommend finding and fixing the present-tense verbs since there were only a few.
iii. DIALOGUE
Sometimes you get your dialogue right, more often than not you don't. Here should be everything you need to know to get it right every time:
1. Definitions: There are two ways to indicate which character is talking. There are dialogue tags and there are action tags. To understand dialogue, it's important to know the difference. Dialogue tags are anything that indicates who is talking by describing or detailing how they are speaking (he screamed, she whispered, I asked). Action tags also indicate who is talking, but they only use actions to do so (he grinned, she raised an eyebrow, I blinked). Some verbs can be used as both, such as 'he groaned.' If you want to say he said something in a groan, it's a dialogue tag. If you want to say he said something and then he groaned, it's an action tag.
2. Dialogue tag preceding or following a spoken sentence: In this case, the beginning of the spoken sentence is always capitalized and if your dialogue tag is after, then you end the spoken sentence with a comma and begin the dialogue tag with a lowercase. If the dialogue tag comes before, then you place a comma after the dialogue tag and begin the spoken sentence with a capital.
Examples:
"Hello," he said. OR He said, "Hello."
3. Dialogue tag in the middle of two spoken sentences: In this case, you have two options. You can a) pick a sentence and attach the dialogue tag to that using the above rules, or b) make it all one sentence, therefore ending the dialogue tag with a comma and beginning the spoke sentence with a lowercase.
Examples:
"Hello," he said. "It's nice out today." OR "Hello." He said, "It's nice out today." OR "Hello," he said, "it's nice out today."
4. Dialogue tags following or preceding special punctuation: Whenever you have an exclamation mark, question mark or a noun that must be capitalized, the rules do not change for dialogue tag punctuation.
Examples:
"Hello," I said. OR "Hello?" she asked.
5. Action tags in writing: In this case, you follow the regular rules of writing and end the spoken sentence with a period and begin the action tag with a capital.
Examples:
"Hello." He grinned. OR He grinned. "Hello."
0 8 / 1 5
i. AWKWARD SENTENCES
We all have these in our writing. They just need to be edited out. Often, your sentences aren't wrong grammatically, but I urge you to fix them because they come out confusing, and that messes with the flow of your story. For example:
'He turned around, and Cate taking in all his wonderful features left her lips slightly agape.'
This sentence comes out really weird because you've put Cate's name in a place where a past tense verb should go, but then you've used a verb with an -ing ending, and that makes this sentence read really weird. It's an easy fix:
'He turned around, and taking in all his wonderful features left Cate's lips slightly agape.'
However, I'd argue that's still not a strong sentence. Here's what I would probably change it to:
'He turned around, and his wonderful features left Cate's lips slightly agape.'
I think this is stronger for numerous reasons. The most obvious is that you're telling the reader how it happened, not how it happened through Cate's eyes. We know she's taking in his features because you're saying 'his wonderful features'. You don't need to tell us, and all it does is add in some info that we didn't really need.
ii. TRANSITIONS
I'm a big fan of your transitions! I love the way you ended the first chapter and began the second chapter. They're smooth, they move quickly, and they work well. The only problem I had was the occasional grammar error that disrupted the flow, like the missing comma at the end of the first chapter.
ii. PACING
Something felt a little...rushed with your character development. I felt it all throughout the story, but to explain what I mean, take a look and Arietta's argument with her parents. They say she's late, then two lines of dialogue later, they're threatening her crown, she's crying, ect. Just, a lot happened in so little time. I don't feel this happening with the action, but I feel it happening a lot with the dialogue and the character development. And when you develop characters so quickly, it causes them to have a very flat arc. There's nothing bad about longer chapters, especially in your case. In fact, the number-one compliment I get on my book is that people like having a nice, long chapter to read through like an actual book. That's not saying you need to elongate your chapters for whatever reason, but that's saying you have the space to. Right now, your storyline suffers from not having enough internal thought and dialogue tags. It's just reading out too fast. Try to really get in Arietta's head at this point. Don't just tell me that's she's crying. Try to tell me if she's upset with her parents for overacting, or if she really thinks this is her fault, and she's legitimately sorry. It'll help us get to know her, and help the story pace better.
0 7 / 1 0
i. CHARACTERS
You do info-dump your descriptions, but it comes out pretty smooth. However, I'd like to remind you how utterly unimportant physical description is to most readers, and how incredibly important emotional description is to your story. Take this description we get of Wilder in the first chapter:
'The wavy chestnut hair, freckled face, dreamy eyes; it was just enough to fool anyone.'
That's a nice description, but it's still very basic, and it doesn't actually tell us much about this character. Same with when you compare him to a wolf. Excellent, but we don't actually know anything cool about him. Does he walk like he's stalking prey? That gives us a more original image. Does Cate love the way he taps his finger against a surface three times before he talks? As of know, in Cate's point of view, you haven't really given us a reason that she loves him, and therefore I'm not entirely convinced that she loves him or that it feels real.
ii. SCENES
Like a lot of authors, I feel you completely toss scene description the moment you get into dialogue. I think it's vital to have description throughout the dialogue, sparingly, since it gives us more to work with—and then we don't get an info dump at the beginning, we get a slow, gentle pacing of what this room or place looks like.
0 8 / 1 0
i. PLOT
I think your story is pretty original, but the plot suffers from the pacing. I want to know more about Arietta—are her parents really unreasonable, or has she been neglecting her duties? I want to know why Wilder is doing the things he's doing. You don't need to tell us outright, but give us some hints to keep the mystery alive. As of now, I don't feel that pull towards this plot or the characters, because everything is just going by so fast. Again, most Wattpad stories have small chapters, but I'm judging books based on the actual readability, and there is a reason why most chapters in the real world are around 3-4k words. Small chapters are fine, but then you need a lot of them to get to the actual story. I just feel like I don't have enough info on this plot to truly enjoy it or get swept up in it.
ii. TONE
Your tone is cool and simple and does have the occasional metaphor. However, you're slipping from third person to omniscient—like how you tell us what the doctor says at the end of chapter three even though Wilder, our narrator, is now gone. It's pretty important to stay in the POV that you're telling your reader you're in, since then you have some problems with stability. Yes, it's interesting to know what the doctor said. But if you're in third-person limited, you just can't tell us that without switching, and to do so feels slightly lazy. Try to keep your narration in the POV that you say at the beginning of the chapter, and it'll make your chapters feel slightly more smooth.
0 7 / 1 0
I find this story to be mostly clean and smooth. I really do love the premise of the story, but I just don't feel like I'm getting enough info for how quick it's moving. By slowing it down, I think we'll get to feel a lot more with these characters, and this story will be an excellent read.
3 9 / 6 0