The Golden City
Author: EveRogerthegreat
Genre: Fantasy
Cover: 75/100
Though quite simple, your cover is actually pretty good. The image gives off a great fantasy-adventure vibe, but does little else. It's simplicity really lacks a wow factor that draws readers in. My favorite covers, and the ones that grab my attention the most, are ones that feature some sort of central object, that's interesting and relatable, as the main focus. It doesn't have to be flashy, just something that draws readers eyes rather than the landscape you could search forever in. If you choose the small people at the bottom to be that object, I'd definitely make them bigger. Your next issue is the font. It's clean and easy to read, but again, it's simple. The font doesn't reflect a fantasy vibe, something that definitely needs to be fixed. And don't be afraid to play around with fonts and sizes. Not every word has to be the same font or size, be creative! The subscript and your name also need to be bigger, they're hard to read, and everyone should be able to know the author of this amazing novel!
Blurb: 80/100
Based purely on writing style, your blurb wouldn't have scored this high, but there is a lot of potential. Your wording is a bit all over the place, and some is outright boring and doesn't fit. Blurbs are a snappy preview to your book to yet again draw in readers. Make every word count! I've done some edits so you get an idea:
Years ago, chaos struck the Golden City, the former home of the powerful Illanoits. Many had left the magical city to reside in the normal world, and as their powers passed to their children, their heritage was nearly forgotten. Some ceased to receive powers, and those who still had them didn't have much.
One day, even that power begins to disappear. Something is wrong inside of the city, the queen has disappeared, a powerful ruler has been hanged. Everyone who was ever loyal to the queen is on the run. New monsters are on the loose, threatening to breach the outer world.
The queen must fight for her crown, for the safety of all her subjects, and against all the false allegations. The Illanoits must not let their trust shake, they must not embrace the ways of their new king.
Along with a few typos and some missing punctuation, I fixed some wording to improve the flow and understanding of your blurb. It's truly wonderful, and if you work on it a little bit, it would be absolutely perfect. It's a great preview to your book, short yet informative, just keep in mind some of the edits and tips to make it better!
Grammar: 85/100
Great job on the grammar! You have the basics down, I did notice a few typos and misspellings here and there, but nothing a quick proof can't fix. You also have a habit of making overly wordy sentences, so always be sure to make the best use of every word and punctuation mark, maximizing your flow and understanding.
For example: One day, when in one such conflict, a group of rebelling Illanoits slaughtered several humans, The King, King Curtis, who preceded Queen Areum, and didn't had one of the greatest reigns, sent his second daughter, Trista, as a peace offering to the human world.
Edited: One day, a conflict arose when a group of rebelling Illanoits slaughtered several humans, including King Curtis. He had preceded Queen Areum, not having the greatest of reigns, and sent his second daughter, Trista, as a peace offering to the human world.
In the above example, your paragraph was quite wordy, repeating some words as well as having punctuation that didn't flow well. Always be mindful of word choice, examine it to make sure it makes sense, and read it aloud to make sure it flows well with your punctuation and doesn't seem redundant.
Example: For both humans and Illanoits alike. At the time, the humans were undergoing through the first world war, and the world was going through an pandemic. Plagues, deaths, bombs, shootings surrounded every house.
In the above, I'm not entirely sure what message you're trying to convey. The first sentence is incomplete, and doesn't tell us what it's referring to. I'm not quite sure if the wars and pandemic is happening on both or just one. There are a few more grammar mistakes in the rest of the sentence as well, so be sure to proofread your writing a little more.
Fixed: Struggle was present in both humans and Illanoits alike. The humans were facing their first world war, and the other world was taken by a pandemic. Plagues, death, bombs, and shootings surrounded every house.
Overall, your grammar isn't bad, but your phrasing needs some work, and all of it needs some serious proofing. The above are just suggestions, but if you take the ideas from them and apply them to the rest, I think your writing will definitely benefit!
Chapter by Chapter Review: 70/100
Introduction - This was definitely an interesting story part. It was written very well, and offers an interesting sneak peek into your story. The only issue I have is that it seems a bit distant, kind of like you're just offering bits and pieces of background info before your story begins. If you're going to have an introduction, make it meaningful and give readers plenty of reason to stick around. I'd definitely work on making it a little more exciting, especially since this is the first thing that your readers will actually read and think about.
Chapter 1 - This chapter begins with a description, one that's a bit run-on, so I'd definitely fix that. You quickly launch into your characters and their traits, but the transition from the talk about powers to the talk about her mother. Maybe you could elaborate a little more on the powers rather than launching into something new. I like the descriptions on how she met her friends, but again it could use some work and some more detail. I'm not quite sure if the first bolded locations is supposed to be a timestamp, indicating a new section of the chapter, but if so I think you can do without. I think it would be best to just jump right into the actual action, and if the location is vital, mention it in a smaller detail. As for the rest of them, I'd change it to something more simple, and be sure not to overuse them. Overall, this was a nice chapter, though there was a lot going on. I'm not quite sure how all the scenes add up, or even the puppy part was necessary. It just seemed like it was a back and forth narration of random events, so I think this chapter definitely needs some more planning.
*Extra note: you may be aware, but in modern times "orphanages" don't exist. It is rather a government-involved foster system, and it may benefit the modern tone of your story by having Kaimana come from a foster home instead.
Chapter 2 - Definitely an interesting development in the plot. Liz can't use her powers either, and now the mysterious Axel is messaging her. Your characterization is great, and reading about Liz has truly made me laugh. But there are a lot of issues with this chapter as well. It's easier to follow than the last, but your thoughts are very muddled. I didn't love the text conversation, thinking the different "emojis" from Axel were kinda weird, and I feel like a message conversation between two people who hadn't spoken for a while would be a lot more professional? I did, on the other hand, like he introduced it with casual talk about her past messages. But how did he get the answer key? Axel gave an answer, but it was quite confusing. And in a part soon after, why was Liz determined to get the teacher's phone? Teachers can sometimes just be lazy, it's not quite neglect if they ignore a class, nobody was dying. These few examples really, really need some clarification if you expect readers to keep up with what's going on.
Story Development: 75/100
For me, the biggest issue is the randomness of the plot. There's a lot going on, a lot that doesn't make sense, and a lot that isn't needed. I'd definitely recommend sitting down and writing out a plan for where your story is trying to go. Also, within the first two chapters, I expected to see something that connected it to the introduction. All we've got are powers, and no talk about how any of the girls received them, or their magical origins. I'd definitely start tying in this fantasy element of your book in pretty quickly, otherwise people looking for a fast paced fantasy might get bored. You want your readers to genuinely think that this story is an epic fantasy, that it's written well and has a great plot. You can do that by tying in your blurb and any other fantasy elements you have. So far, we've just got typical teen drama, with a side of superpowers.
Final Notes: 80/100
Despite all the flaws, you have true, writing potential, and this story can only improve from here. Just definitely keep developing your writing style, it's not quite as flowy as it needs to be, but you're close. The story needs a lot of work as well, but with some real planning and effort, it can be amazing.
Great job, and I look forward to reading more in the future. Thank you for choosing me as your reviewer!
-Cyprus