Title: Dating The Killer
Author: LyricalFlaws ( LyricalFlaws )
Genre: Romance, Action
Chapters Reviewed: Dating The Killer - Chapter 3
Blurb Below:
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I. Title: Dating The Killer
I will say, the title is quite a simple one. Not too complex, but it does get to the point which I am happy for. The romance genre seriously comes out, obviously, with "Dating" being in the title. Additionally, the action genre comes out from the "Killer" part, so your genres fit. Again, not a complex title and can get lost with other stories, but it is simple enough to understand.
II. Cover
Again, I can say that the cover is simple. Now, is it readable? Very. But do I feel that it could be better? Yeah, sadly. It is satisfying to look at, don't get me wrong; but I feel that it can have a look that's more "extra" with the concept. I will give you props for making sure the title was clear to see with the shadow behind it, but I do have some critics. Firstly, I just mentioned this, but the simplicity doesn't fit this type of concept. Secondly, I feel that you could let your name be a bit bigger with a "life" effect on them to see them better.
III. Blurb
Here we go! So, I am not usually a fan of putting an excerpt of a small scene into the blurb but for Wattpad, I think it makes sense and works. Though, after that with the rest of the blurb... uhmmm. I-... I am not sure what I feel about it. I can say, the first paragraph is acceptable, yeah. Like, sorry I just don't know how to put it.
Okay, so I will just be brutally honest and work with what I say. I am not a fan of the blurb. It is not awful, but it just feels too average for me. I want a stronger concept, a bolder display, these feel too much like an information dump for no reason. Like I want you to give me more! Intensify the stakes in this blurb, let that Mafia Romance be bold and powerful. Additionally, the last paragraph feels too thrown into the blurb. Like you can change the way you word it. A big criticism I have is that the last sentence in the blurb... I hate it so much. Sorry if I am being too brutal but I just want to make sure you are able to get the best criticism you want. What I recommend is fixing the last sentences primarily, because for the stakes to be "will she forever stay the good girl" is not that intense. I can give you recommendations if you want, or you can revisit the blurb, but this is just my feelings for it. I was quite disappointed with it, so I hope the chapters will make up for it.
IV. First Sentences
... Okay I am lost. What I am about to say doesn't relate to the first sentences, just in the "Preview," I think that is what it was. Is this a fanfiction? I know Jungkook can be a name for any character, but you did specifically place the fancam of him onstage, so I think you made this like a "fanfiction" clashing with a normal story. MOVING ON!
So, can I say... was that cheesy? Very much so. But did I love it? Sure. I just realized that it was not the boyfriend that said this so yeah; but I did read a bit more than I usually do for this section and I like this beginning. Nothing much to say with this. I like it, it isn't over the top to really make the readers be shocked; but I like the execution with it and I feel it works out very nicely. Nice work!
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Shall we begin? SO. You just requested for pretty much a general look at the story!
To start us off, this story is very contemporary with the reference to Google. Additionally, I am not a huge fan of the "stepping away from 1st POV to a narrator" when you put the: "Yes, Levy Martin was my hot boyfriend" part. Just know, I like making this disclaimer before I say anything, my opinion is subjective so for someone else to see this, they could love it and others might not. I am a reviewer, but always know that us reviewers have our likes and dislikes as well! Moving on from my rant, I am sorry to say this, but I am not sure if I am the right audience for these types of stories. DON'T WORRY THOUGH! I am a professional (in my own mind space :) ), and I will do my best (I just wanted to note this for you).
The first chapter was good, for the most part. I mean, again I am not sure I am the right audience, but even I was pleasantly satisfied with it. The plot was moving slowly, some cheesy comments here and there, and your grammar was not taking away from the plot. However, nothing is ever perfect so here I go. Some parts of this story are a bit confusing to me, like I know different schools are not all the same; but how is the boyfriend able to smoke in school with a cigarette??? And also, for someone with his type of track record, why isn't he being watched by guards or at least administration??? And, if he is Mr. Clay's son who runs the "ultimately dangerous mafia" (just a note since I forgot to put it in the blurb section, "ultimately dangerous" doesn't sound right at all, you might want to revisit that), why does he go to school? Again, this could just be me not being the right audience, but some of this stuff I am noting is logistical sense and not so much as who it is geared towards. Again, I am subjective, and this could be perfectly fine with others, just I am a bit off. Just a side note, I am not making comments about the storytelling since I know if it is not geared towards me, then it would be too biased for me to be like "why is the story like this" and such.
The second chapter does expand upon the ideas that the first chapter tried to develop. I love a little Stream-of-Consciousness moment in stories, so thank you for that! Again, your grammar is okay (in the line "His name is Handsome...", the "t" after needs to be capitalized) and workable. Additionally, I know that this is just for story-based telling, but I saw this comment and really think I should be able to do it as well. This relationship within the story is not a healthy one, and don't let a work of fiction define what love is to you.
The third chapter was also acceptable as well. I like that paragraph that starts "our relationship was like a whirlwind," since I feel that it proves that all relationships will go through their struggles and that is normal. Overall, grammar is looking over to me for the most part. I can't seem to pinpoint a bit of error that hinders me from noticing the story properly. Though I do have to say this, I am sorry, but this does read like a fanfiction way too much. That is why I am asking if it is since I am getting that vibe from the chapters I have read. Also, I know the biggest genre you have is romance, clearly, but I want a bigger stake within the story. I want the mafia threats to come right at the beginning of the story to draw the audience to continue to read through the whole story. Right now, it seems too connected to the relationship, which is VERY highkey toxic, and not so much on the overall treats. I know you wanted the main character to be placed as a "good angel" of a character, but all characters have their layers, and I am not sure I am so happy with her being naive a bit more than normal. It is okay for someone to be clueless at times, but it comes into context of when, in the third chapter, that if they were with each other for so long, it feels like she reflects on every time all of a sudden, making the chapters feel like information dumps. Also, just a quick question, when you mention "Columbia," are you implying "Colombia" like the country in South America, or the "Columbia" in the US?
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Now for my takeaway. I like to keep these short and sweet for you to be able to come back to and just quickly see what you might want to take from this review.
1. Improvements to help:
a. A bit too simplistic with the cover (I really want you to intensify the genres and themes you have. Especially since the story is Mature, I feel you can do more with it)
b. The blurb really needs a serious revisit. The excerpt is good, but the actual blurb part is not to my liking. Check what I said about it to really understand what I am going for and was expecting.
c. Refrain from just simply putting information dumps too much since, I know it is in 1st POV, it makes the pace of the story slow and then to a halt.
d. Logistical understanding of how stuff function in the story is not adding up properly (some stuffs aren't making complete sense with how stuff really work in society)
2. My personal opinions of the work:
a. I am so-so with reading. Was it bad? No. Was it good? Sadly, no. Again, I might not be the right audience; but as a reviewer, I can have my subjective perspective and still analyze a story for its content and not overall storyline. Too many areas as I continued through the story were getting repetitive and not making complete sense, leaving the MC to come off too naive.
And that is all I have to say. If anything, you can message me through PM or through here (you will have to tag me for me to get the notification) for any additional coverage that you would like me to discuss. That is all from me for now!
Have a great day and hope you enjoy this little review of mine!