Book: Frenemies By Choice
Genre: Teen Fiction
Author: mia_said_what
First Impressions 80/100:
Cover - Put simply, your cover isn't bad, just below amazing! It's very simple, yet attractive, but it still lacks that wow factor to pull readers in. The two "frenemies" on the cover are fine, and I always love a cover that has a character as the focus point because (in my opinion) it makes for a more relevant and interesting cover. With all that being said, what this cover really lacks could perhaps be fixed with a better, more interesting background, something not as simple. The rest of the issues are the cause of your font. The text stretching all the way across the cover looks a little messy. Always try to keep some space from the edges, and the main text "Frenemies" centered. I think it's a great idea to have the "By Choice" offset a little, but be sure the main text is still centered, and just the smaller text is off to the side. (These suggestions are simply to make your cover seem a little neater, and are just my opinion). It think you'd also be better off with a better font for your main text as well, the current just seems kind of meh. Take advantage of every opportunity you have to excite readers, including fonts! Also, your name at the top is way too small! Be proud of your work, and make sure everyone can see just who wrote the masterpiece they're about to dive into. The font is plain, though it works, but your username has some symbols in it which doesn't exactly suit it perfectly. Unless you have a super simple username, remember you could always put a pen name on the cover instead.
Blurb - You pretty much have the same issue with your blurb. It's just too simple. I'm a fan of short, to the point blurbs, yet, they need to have something about the plot to draw readers in. There's not much wow factor, though there's a few questions to cultivate curiosity. I definitely suggest adding more to your blurb, but only important facts, and hints to the main plotline.
Grammar: 85/100
For the most part, your grammar is pretty spot on. There were a few occasions that needed a little work (and I'll address them in just a moment), but for the most part, exceptional job!
Chapter 1 Edits:
Original: Keenan is asking for a suspension, and with the horrid look on our principal's face, there's a high chance he might get one.
Your opening sentence is amazing, and it definitely makes you want to keep reading IMMEDIATELY! It's important to have a strong beginning, which you're already on your way to having. That being said, you also want to introduce your readers to your writing style, which isn't quite perfectly shown in the above paragraph. It's very wordy, which affects a whole bunch of things in the long run if you develop a habit of being wordy. Remember to keep sentences concise, cutting out unimportant words to improve your flow and make it more interesting to read.
Edited: Keenan's asking to be suspended, and based on the principal's horrid expression, there's a high chance he will be.
Those might seem like minor changes, and they are, but read this sentence versus the old. Which one flows better? In my opinion, it's the one with less words. Sure, a few extra words every now and then mean nothing, but again, they add up. Using contractions (in this case: an 's instead of is) really helps. I've also found that it fits better if you change suspension into a verb rather than having it as an object. Just my opinion, but it makes the sentence feel less awkward. Remember these little suggestions and apply them to the rest of your story. It takes constant proofing to make EVERYTHING perfect, and even then, you still miss a few things.
Original: "If there's one thing that's unacceptable in this school other than your attitude, Mr. Kimmel, is school violence."
I will take the above sentence to address two things: repetition, and making use of different punctuation to better your writing. In the above sentence, you have the word school practically back to back, which is a no in my book. Sure, this is dialogue and it doesn't matter too much since people aren't perfect when they talk, but the point of dialogue in a book is to make it enjoyable. Always try to avoid using the same word twice in close proximity. It makes the sentence seem repetitive, so stick to synonyms or removing extra words to make it flow better.
Edited: "If there's one thing that's unacceptable in this school—other than your attitude, Mr. Kimmel—it's violence."
The weird long dash things above are called "em-dashes," and are used to indicate a sudden change in speaking or thought. It also kind of sets off a phrase in a sentence (and looks way cooler than commas) giving it more emphasis. I think it makes the dialogue more meaningful with the em-dashes. I also just removed the second school in accordance to what I was saying about repetition before.
Original: Well the thing is, "My parents are dead." Yeah, that.
In this situation, the dialogue doesn't fit well into the text. This is a great line and can be so much better with a very simple edit.
Edited: Well, the thing is… "My parents are dead." Yeah, that.
In this example I've also shown you a great way to use elipses (...). It also helps add emphasis to this great line, and the comma didn't work. It also helps set off the phrase since our MC isn't the one saying it. Also remember to take advantage of Wattpad's italics for special words and EXTRA emphasis.
Original: I'm five minutes late but luckily for me, the teacher didn't arrive yet.
Okay, minor tense error above. Your story is in present tense, so make extra sure that you stick to it! The didn't should be a hasn't.
Edited: I'm five minutes late, but luckily the teacher hasn't arrived yet.
Original: I know that if his food has certain peas, he'll pick them out one by one until his food is completely clean and purified of them.
Above, the phrase 'completely clean and purified of them' is super awkward. It's repetitive, and could just be so much better. This little detail is helping illustrate the closeness Kate once had with Keenan, so it's very important to make it short and sweet!
Edited: I know that if his food contains certain peas, he'll pick them out one by one until his food is uncontaminated.
By using uncontaminated, you kind of keep the little funny idea that it makes Keenan's food impure, but it's worded a lot less awkwardly.
Chapter 2 Edits:
Another amazing beginning to a chapter, but the first paragraph immediately has issues. I'm not going to waste time writing the entire thing here, but just keep in mind everything I've said about wordiness and redundancy up until now.
Edited: I used to have a speech disorder when I was five, and the kids in my kindergarten class would laugh at me for stumbling on words. It was hard relating to them when they were learning new words, excited to use them and express themselves. I was different.
You also had a couple tense errors which I also corrected in the above, some by rewording.
Original: No one wanted to be friends with the kid who couldn't put a complete sentence together until the new boy joined our class.
With the lack of separation in the above sentence, it's hard to make out what it truly means. It kind of sounds like Keenan arriving was the reason she could put sentences together, when I believe you mean that no one wanted to be her friend except for Keenan. See what I mean? It's kind of confusing, so always make use of commas and separation to get the right point across.
Edited: No one wanted to be friends with the kid who couldn't put a sentence together. Not until the new boy joined our class.
Original: The turning point of my attitude towards him and one of my favorite memories was when the kindergarten teacher gave us homework to talk about our best friends.
In this example, you have a huge run-on sentence, or at least in my opinion it is. I think technically it's correct, but it's all over the place, and needs a lot more punctuation to (again) get the right point across.
Edited: The turning point in my attitude toward him—as well as one of my favorite memories—was when our teacher gave us an assignment to talk about our friends.
Also, having homework in the original sentence doesn't make much sense since they are presenting at school.
Original: Four years is enough excuse to hold onto nothing more than a sad memory.
Considering what context this is in, I have no idea what this sentence is supposed to mean. The best I get from this sentence is that her and Keenan's friendship ended 4 years ago? And now that it's a sad memory she should get rid of it. If that's at all right, it needs to be worded way differently.
Edited: Four years have gone by, there's no excuse for holding on to something that's little more than a sad memory.
*I realized I was nitpicking a lot because I found quite a few more mistakes in the later chapters than the first, so I only mentioned the more important ones. Just remember when you make edits to proofread the entire thing, not just what I pointed out.
Quick note on dialogue:
I left a comment on a few minor mistakes as well as one about your dialogue. I wanted to let you know that you did an amazing job on it, and I hardly noticed a single mistake. Dialogue is much better when you use action tags and dialogue tags, not just the latter. It makes for much more interesting dialogue, and I never was bored reading yours.
In-depth Review: 90/100
Chapter 1: I love how this story begins. Public school drama is always a real hook, and the deal with Keenan definitely makes me want to read more. What will we learn from this dark, brooding fellow who never usually hurts a fly? You further your readers' investment with Kate's social facade, and her secret dislike of the boy she's dating. The blonde girls are a bit cliché, but it's not often we see our MC as one of their friends.I would've like to see a little more elaboration at home, perhaps why Kate's mother was covered in chocolate wrappers 🤣, and just more about her family in general. I'm sure more is coming, but it would be great to just know a little more from the start. Also, I love the typical nonchalant attitude of Kate when it comes to chores, but I think it's a little weird that Kate claims she can never remember to set out the frozen meat when her mother literally just told her to. Perhaps I'd have her do that task, and then mention something about Kate never remembering to do chores, so she might as well do it now. Just a suggestion! 😁 My favorite part was definitely the text-conversation, and it led perfectly to Kate's self confession about Keenan. Why is she so hung up over some boy she used to know? Guess we'll find out soon.
Chapter 2:
Oof! A lot happened in this chapter, but it all worked well. Your further development of Kate and Keenan is perfect, and the flashback part gives us all a little "Aww!" moment. I find it a little weird that Kate lives next door to Keenan yet somehow manages to avoid him, but I guess they've really just grown that far apart. One of your special focuses you asked me to look at was pacing, and though I think your story has an amazing overall pace, a lot hits us in this chapter. I love the sections of self reflection we see in this chapter, and the further development of Kate's character. I don't have any comments on things to fix, so, great job!
Chapter 3 & 4:
Chapter is taken entirely by Keenan having dinner with Kate's family, and though a lot of it's dialogue, you're still doing a great job at developing the story and the conflict between Kate and her old friend. Chapter 4 I feel needs a little work. There's still a lot introduced in every chapter, and it's moving really fast so there's not much time to process it. Kate's pregnant, Brian's cheating, and Kate's accepting the friendship of the Lins. A lot. And even before she finds out all of this, it's kind of hard to believe she puts up with Brian's crap when she has such a hard exterior to everyone else. Maybe she really is doing it all for high-school fame, but it seems Brian often goes too far. But anyways, I'm looking forward to the rest of this story!
Story Development: 95/100
The only places I think could be improved are mentioned above, but overall, this is a well-paced, but occasionally fast, enjoyable story! I think the plotline is off to a great start, but to be honest, I'm not seeing what this story is going to develop into. Of course it's not good to have a cliché story that everyone can predict, but it's okay to drop hints every now and then to the big picture, which is something I'm missing. Perhaps it'll be Kate and Keenan making up and becoming friends again, but I hope there's more to it than that. I see an amazing story of self discovery in the horizon, so keep up the good work!
Final Notes: 90/100
This is a great story, and I definitely see a whole lot of potential. It needs a bit of grammar work and plenty more proofreads, and hopefully with the above tips you can make some edits. Keep developing your plot and characters, because I think you've done great so far!
Thank you for choosing me as your reviewer! And let me know if you have any questions or if I made any mistakes (because I do 😅).
—Cyprus S.