Cronus by sj_shaw
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read the your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences
I have read all 12 chapters of your story available. Your story is dystopian sci-fi so I looked first and foremost at how much the story stimulated my imagination and how important your main character had become to me; how much I wanted to figure out what's going to happen to them, the setting that told me that 'it could possibly happen this way', and if I would be able to remember your story a few months from now.
I think that you chose a solid title for your story, but it doesn't necessarily tell me that it's cyberpunk. Perhaps, adding another word to the title can spruce it up to that cyber feel.
I loved your blurb. It had energy, it had zest, it had an invitation to an adventure. So, my biggest problem with your first 4 chapters was that the time of them was rather dreary rather than high-strung like in the blurb.
In the first chapter, Ray fights in the arena, but I don't know either girl, Ray or Tanya. As a fan of a sport that supplies bright individualities, I am used to making the almost immediate decisions who I want to win among those 10 or 20 athletes in the competition. So, if you could find highlights to give me the reason to root for Ray, I would love that. Further, until the very end of chapter 4, I find Ray likable but a bit bleak.
The ending of chapter 4 is where your story shifts into high gear for me. That last sentence is one hell of a hook! I love it. Now, if you need to bring it close to the start... that's up to you. My feeling is that if you brighten chapter 1 and give me chapter 4 right after, I stand little to lose and a lot to gain.
From chapter 5 onward, the tonality of the story changes and the pacing picks up. I truly enjoyed my reading from that point on. Betrayal and romance hit at the same time as a double whammy. Ray's character solidified. Everything, literally everything intensified, with short snappy chapters ending on excellent cliffhangers. In chapters 5-12, the story absolutely delivers what the blurb had promised. It's exactly what I come for when I shop for cyberpunk.
In terms of world-building, so far I didn't find a beating heart of the world, some sort of a place that defines your setting, where Ray comes again and again for shelter and comfort, even a weird one like a gym or pawn shop or whatnot. That would be something I would be looking for in the next chapters. However, the setting is plausible and have conflict built-in between the two warring states, so title is easy to orient myself. I also love the importance the implanted chip plays in the story so far, as cybernetics are, of course, part of the attraction.
Stylistically, one thing I would suggest looking at during editing, is the cadence of italicized inner thoughts. At the moment they come with such regularity every few paragraphs, that it almost feels like I reached the next rung of a ladder. In this pov, the inner thoughts can just be integrated into the text, with only the crucial, screaming ones given as is, raw.
Good luck with developing your story and hope these notes are helpful.