Title: 3:30pm
Author: Theathewriter / Cynthia Haddix ( Theandwriting )
Genre: Young Adult, Teen Fiction (MATURE WARNING)
Chapters Reviewed: Chapter 1-2
Blurb Below:
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I. Title: 3:30pm
Love this! What makes it so special is the fact that it is unique, probably a key point in the story that is like a symbol or has repetition and is also one that people can remember. It doesn't have any that is quite common, so the title will stick out a lot more to readers and especially to me.
II. Cover
So clear, LOVE IT! Whoever made the cover (whether it was you or someone else), the cover is clear to see and the colors of the text contrast with its background color which is perfect. Only thing I would say is that there seems to be a bit of a haziness or very slight blurriness around the "A Novel Cynthia Haddix" but it is minimal. The woman looks very clear with its strokes and color choice. The photo of the guy threw me off, perhaps it could be put in like a polaroid type of format since it being that transparent and not really next to much is a bit off-putting. Just my opinion, so remember, do as you want to do.
III. Blurb
Beginning of that blurb is quite enticing. I like how it really draws people in right away and comes off as a hard-hitting and intriguing interest. After that, we get to see what Cleo Petrakovski wants, which is to just find a way out. Also, you really do add to that concept of a romance while we might be able to see Cleo battling a restriction to her past.
Grammar wise, I do see a lot-more-than-usual disconnect in the sentence structures. Like the first sentence of the proper blurb is a run-on, a sentence seems misplaced, and parts of some sentences that just come out of nowhere with info-dumps. Though, you did transition the ideas quite nicely which I commend you on, from the past to the school to the tutor to the love to the question. Smooth and well put-together.
Now you did mention there is a maturity warning. I am going to guess this maturity warning is for any mentions to ab*se and passing of Dante. Before anyone asks, I am doing B: Impressions before I read since it makes it more authentic, so I am only guessing where the maturity warning is coming from. With this in mind, if this maturity is known to be true, I recommend that you, the author of this story, turn on the maturity content for the story just for the safety of a younger audience.
IV. First Sentences
A good introduction! It instantly sets that sorrowful and bleak tone right away which affects the audience for their mood. Though I never really was fond of "Dear Diary" beginnings, I do not hate it here that much. Although, for realistic purposes, I recommend you remove the "My name is Cleo Petrakovski" part since uhmmm... she knows who she is already. It seems off to put that at the beginning when this is a diary which she wouldn't keep putting her introduction in. What I would recommend to you is to have like (at the bottom, after the diary entry) the date and the character's first name only. Makes it more authentic and realistic, especially for, I am guessing, contemporary fiction. Other than that, it works well and is intriguing for readers to learn more about Cleo.
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Shall we begin? SO. You just requested for a general look at the story which I will happily do!
This first chapter... THAT WAS EVERYTHING! The way you embodied the sorrows and that bleak tone to the chapter, captivating the dreading emotions she felt, and kept coming back to her writing with the pen in her hand was oh so perfect! I adore your ability to non-forcefully capture the emotions she felt for his loss, speaking of the promises they made to each other, questioning herself/reality of the situation, trying to accept the ending, the perfect way to show the stages of grief. You really took your abilities in writing style and your unique voice to properly attract your audience in choosing. Additionally, regarding the technical elements, I don't see any obvious grammar errors, wording problems, sentence structure, et cetera. The editing done was properly taken care of, so I commend you for that! Regarding how the plot is playing out, I like this first chapter a lot as it molds the past and motions for the present. A random note, but with the way the father has been acting towards the family and a promise made to try and escape him, I am a bit off-putted to why Cleo would keep considering him as "father." From my observations in other readings, whenever this type of relationship is taking place, especially in the 1st POV, they would not refer to them as "father" and would either tell them by their first name or just like a random thing called for them. Again, nothing you have to change if Cleo is still looking for a recovery of the father, but it is something I have noticed in other teen fiction and young adult genres with these themes/mature content.
Though I will mention this since I did mention this to my previous review, you might want to look into a prologue. I know it is not for everyone, but a prologue's purpose is to foreshadow upcoming events, set the tone and characters, and present what is soon to come. The reason I am recommending this is that the first chapter was not too long and much of the context is set in the past and presents what is to come of Cleo's mentality and perhaps physical actions. Again, only my suggestion and you are free to agree or disagree, but this does come off as a work that could really incorporate that prologue, especially with it being in a contemporary setting, I think. If you want to discuss this more with me, just PM me or comment (make sure to tag me so I get the notification for it) so I can help you out if you do choose to do the prologue.
Moving onto the second chapter, I hate to say this, but something is seriously throwing me off. I think the wording or the sentence structure, similar to what I noticed in the blurb, is making me feel detached from the plot. Though I do see all the points you are making and are really working well with the stages of grief cycling back again, the grammatical elements and techniques you have chosen to take on are quite distracting to not point out. Like I am seeing some words not properly associated with the character, sentences are choppy and very short (no problem with that until it is affecting a complete thought). Roughly the first half, or I would actually say first quarter, of the chapter is a lot of information dumping. Though I can tell it is due to her inner thoughts, some of it is a bit out-of-place when it comes to the true purpose of why she chose to think about such things. She could be an overthinker, stuck in the past, but whatever it may be, I really want to begin seeing her. How does she act, what does she most desire after Dante's departure, what is her overall longing, wouldn't the foster home instead allow her a freedom from the father that she wanted, or could an extended family member/friend take her in knowing the emotional toll she is facing?
Aside from these comments, I want you to again remember that my opinions are subject. If you choose to agree or disagree, my review is to give a proper and brutally honest aspect of your work to allow you to see a different perspective upon your work, so don't let any of my words or suggestions put you down. On a brighter note, you really are building upon those elements of the sorrows and grief Cleo is facing. I applaud you for sticking to this and not just throwing it out there for people to just take and forget. You continued to add upon your selected concepts which, again, points to your artistic abilities and writing style that you stick strongly to.
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Now for my takeaway. I like to keep these short and sweet for you to be able to come back to and just quickly see what you might want to take from this review.
1. Improvements to help:
a. Overall grammar (it is not severe, but I could pick up on a couple run-on sentences, some choppy sentences, period/comma/capitalization needed, etc.)
b. My opinion but please look back at the beginning of Chapter 2 and look more into what is occurring and is there too much going on that is disconnecting parts of your message.
c. A quick consideration upon the "Dear Diary" thing I noted down (not major but good to look into for authentic and realistic)
d. Optional: Incorporate a prologue if you want to speak on background information of the story regarding the character and past.
2. My personal opinions of the work:
a. I still adore the story quite a lot, don't get me wrong, and I am proud of you for sticking to a topic that many stray away from due to misrepresentation. As far as my reading and reviewing has gone, I don't notice major misrepresentation upon this; though I am not a victim to this type of topic so if anyone is and is quite worried/concerned with the representation, please let the author know respectfully!
And that is all I have to say. I really did enjoy my reading. If anything, you can message me through PM or through here (you will have to tag me for me to get the notification) for any additional coverage that you would like me to discuss. That is all from me for now!
Have a great day and hope you enjoy this little review of mine!