The Gunner and the Florist written by CrystalCallistral
i. COVER & TITLE
I'm not a huge fan of your current cover. I like the details and I do like the font, but it's just too dark to truly see what's going on. I'm not sure if you've obtained the highest-quality version, or if the darkness was something you opted for. I'd just like to remind you that logistics, as boring as they are, need to take precedence over almost all else when dealing with a cover. Big font, something readable and bright enough for us to see what's going on. If we can't quite see it, we can't quite enjoy it!
As for your title, I like the originality of it and how abstract it is. I think there is potential to make a little more sense of it. One of the most effective things you can do for your initial impression is put the title in the blurb somehow. This immediately gives readers a sense of connection and is a major push for them to put your book in their library.
ii. BLURB
I do see the work put into your blurb, and I do like how smooth it is. However, there are a few things I'd like to bring attention to. For one, your blurb is a little disconnected because of the choppy paragraphs and sentences. This can be a good thing, but you have to be careful that your blurb isn't too spread out, because then you get a problem with readers skimming too much. It's important to make your blurb short, but with a bit of breaking in between--not too much.
So relating that to your blurb, I think it needs to be condensed a little and streamlined. In addition, I think you need to relate the title to the blurb--because at this point the title means virtually nothing to us. Also, as much as I appreciate your hook, I don't think it's as effective as it could be. I think blurb hooks are best off with a one-liner. Your blurb starts beautifully, but it's a complex sentence that takes a moment to get the meaning from.
And lastly, your blurb, to me, didn't initially make a lot of sense. Blurbs are a great place to showcase your writing capabilities, but they need to be simple. People don't want to work to understand what's going on here. First, you say post-disaster Britain, but then you say they're in the middle of a war. You say 'along with his ties to this person, his only wish is to escape' which doesn't really make a lot of sense as a sentence. This often happens to blurbs when the author has edited them over and over again, to the point where they make sense to the writer but not to us anymore. I've done this too. When this happens, it's good to get someone in there to just point out the things that didn't make sense and steer you back on path.
So here's what I would do with your blurb. I'm streamlining and condensing, keeping in some of your original sentences, but also cutting up the organization to something that should end up more straightforward:
In post-disaster Britain, a monstrous war is brewing. And those caught in the middle can either struggle or thrive.
Lennox is one of those struggling. He's not exactly sure how to balance his failing family business with his judgemental and egotistical parents. It was practically impossible for him or his younger brother just to grow up normally. Lennox's only wish is to escape. And Ren might just provide it.
Ren, on the other hand, is one of those that should be thriving. He's constantly praised by his leader, and victory for the slightly sadistic Crimson Syndicate is on its way. He should, by all means, be thriving in every sense of the word. But he's beginning to realize that Lennox and his family may be the only way to stop the unravelling of success and sanctum before his eyes.
One is the gunner, and one is the florist.
So here we have a little more of a refined format. We have two divisions, and we've split your mains into two categories, then ended with something that connects back to the title. You might be able to do better than that, but you get the idea.
Either way, I think you need to do some work on the blurb. I'd like to point out that it is very good where it stands, but it has the potential to be ironed out a little following the points above.
1 2 / 1 5
i. PUNCTUATION
#1: THE COMMA SPLICE
The comma splice is basically the use of a comma between two independent clauses, which splits the sentence in two in a way that is not grammatically correct. Here's an example of one in your writing:
'I have some friends to meet, I'll be back before dinner.'
There are a few solutions for the comma splice. So if you notice here, both of these sentences are independent. That is, they make sense if you put a period between. That's one of the options, but putting periods in to fix all your comma splices would make everything really choppy. You could add in a conjunction with a comma, but that doesn't always work, and I don't think it would work well with the one above, hence why I've chosen it for this example. In this case, you're best off using a semicolon, which is used for exactly this situation: clauses that are linked, but independent. So the correction would look like this:
'I have some friends to meet; I'll be back before dinner.'
#2: THE COMMA
Your biggest comma problem is the use of commas before conjunctions. Let's pull out the conjunction rule:
A comma is only placed before a conjunction if both clauses that are being connected are independent.
So that basically means you are using a comma and conjunction in place of somewhere you could also use a semicolon or even a period. Here's an example:
'A few hours after his mother's absence, a new presence dashed in, and slapped twenty Euros on the counter.'
Let's take a look at that second clause there and separate it from the first:
'slapped twenty Euros on the counter.'
This isn't independent, and there are two ways to explain why. The easy explanation: it doesn't make sense on its own, and it doesn't form a complete thought. The gritty explanation: the lack of a subject in this clause makes it actually not a clause, but rather a phrase. Definitely not independent.
Therefore, the comma you have before the conjunction 'and' is incorrect. This is the biggest problem I found with your commas, and the one most worth fixing.
#3: THE DASH
If you've read a single one of my reviews, you knew this was coming. The dash is...it's lovely, and you never use it. I've said it before, and I'll say it again--the dash is the most effective way of making your tone unique. The dash is the one, singular writing tool that draws a firm line between creative and academic writing. Use it. USE IT.
Here's a place where the dash would work well:
'Well, you would need a bouquet with geraniums--for stupidity--as well as foxglove for insecurity, a couple of meadowsweet for uselessness, and last but not least: orange lilies to symbolize hatred.'
Before, you had a lot of commas in here, and it was just a lot for my brain to separate. The dash is so much clearer than a comma, and it just...use it. Its usefulness is unparalleled. It's for cutting yourself off--either in dialogue or narration--and it allows for clarification mid-sentence while establishing tone. USE IT.
#4: THE SEMICOLON
The semicolon is used to separate two independent yet still related clauses. We've mentioned it here before. You're not quite using it right. Remember: independent clauses must contain both a subject and a verb. Look here:
'Soon enough, the time came to close the shop, and Lennox left the upper level for the lower recess of the building, delving into the basement in which he lived; far away from his parents' squabbles.'
So here you've put that semicolon in the middle of a clause. To make this correct, you would just take it out entirely, no other punctuation is required. But you could put a dash there if you want to stick to that pause.
ii. DIALGOUE
Wow, your dialogue is done well. I see your dialogue tags switch from front to back for both ease of reading and flow, and I also see you forgoing dialogue tags for action tags--which, in my opinion, are both more smooth and create a better story. Not everyone may agree with that--I've had people tell me I horribly overuse action tags--but I stand firm that they indicate a far more advanced and direct story without all these 'saids' that don't further character development nor description. I think you've done a very good job here.
iii. TYPOS
Your biggest typo? The random extra spaces behind periods. If you're an older writer, you might have a habit of double spacing because the typewriter usually required them. If that's the case, as it is with my mother, I'll share her tip: she simply uses the search feature to replace all double spaces with single ones. If you're my age and offended I've compared you to a fifty-three-year-old, then it's probably just a typo here and there. But you can do the same search technique to get rid of them.
1 0 / 1 5
i. PACING/TRANSITIONS
Don't use timeskips in your first few chapters. (timeskips = ways of breaking up chapters with a design or such) I know that will require some hell of an editing headache to rid of, so use your own judgement on if you think my reasoning is valid. An insightful reader of my book just reminded me today that the most important and valid opinion in my story is mine, and in your story, it's yours. But I am supposed to be giving my opinion here. I just want to make sure that you're thinking critically about what I'm about to say.
First chapters are harsh--every word is meant to entice your reader to just read one sentence further. You hold their attention--especially in the cruel world of Wattpad--on a desperately small string. Mature readers want something they can follow, something that is solid and delivers what they want. Timeskips are an excellent way to break their concentration and give them a reason to go get a snack, check their phone, and essentially never come back to your book again. In my mind, timeskips are the writer immediately chopping up their story to avoid the work of connecting it; timeskips stem a bit from lazy writing. When we deem a scene too boring, we put a timeskip and skip it. But what could we learn from the characters there? Is there a way to smoothen this transition while passing the same time without simply smacking a timeskip there to avoid the work?
Don't use a timeskip in the first chapter, and don't use it in at least the first three chapters. This is the same reason I stand by longer chapters, especially longer first chapters. Capture my attention and keep it. That's how you get long-term readers that see your book for the mastery it is. In my opinion, people that want short, choppy chapters are those that lack both the focus and persistence required to follow any great story. Game of Thrones? Lord of the Rings? Any incredible adventure requires heavy chapters. And the classics--the ones that have shaped literature--War and Peace, Atlas Shrugged--those are often the most difficult to read at all. Incredible books all shun one thing: laziness from the reader. Even on Wattpad, try not to cater to lazy readers. Don't skip scenes you deem to be too boring for the initial chapters but could provide essential information about your characters. This isn't an action-packed movie with crashing cars and no plot. This is a story.
That's why I like the length and depth of your chapters, but I hate that you're splitting them with a timeskip. I'm not saying to never use a timeskip, I'm just saying not to use them too much. If you absolutely need to skip a scene where something has happened that is boring, then do so. But try to see if that boring scene could possibly add something to the story in a way you didn't think of before, or if there is a smoother way to demonstrate the transitions.
I hate your timeskips, but I do love the rest of your pacing. You've moved along this story at a rate that is both interesting but not overwhelming. You either have the natural talent of exposition, or you've perfected your ability to present new information.
Let's move on from timeskips, because I think I've murdered that horse over and over again. I expressed how important transitions are before, and now I'd like to express how incredibly well you end and begin your chapters. Every one is new, exciting, and consists of its own story.
ii. AWKWARD SENTENCES
Most awkward sentences happen because of an overuse of commas, but they can also happen because of the overuse of prepositions. Look at this one here:
'Lennox murmured, saying exactly what was expected of him, and his mother strutted away into the madness outside without another glance, vying to get away.'
So above you just have too many commas, and they're making an awkward sentence. Here are some ways to fix those:
Split up the sentence. Putting in a period is usually the easiest way to get rid of something awkward. You can also put in a semicolon or a dash to assist with this.
Change the word order. Often, changing the word order is the most effective way of fixing something awkward. Put the verb out front, change it from a past to a present.
Just erase it and rewrite it. If a sentence isn't turning out right, just delete it and start fresh. It's the most work, but it often gives the best final product.
Here's how I would rework the sentence above:
'Lennox murmured. He was saying exactly what was expected of him, but his mother only strutted away into the madness outside. She offered him nothing more--as if she were vying to get away.'
So here I've split your one sentence into three and also done something else here that I'll get more into on the later categories. Just watch out for these long-winded, continuous sentences with the overuse of the comma.
iii. REPETITION
Repetition is one of those things that can be heavily effective to a writer, but also quite damaging to the writing. The rule with repetition: If you're purposely using it, it's usually a good thing! If you don't know you're doing it, it's probably something to pay some attention to while editing.
You have a bit of a problem with repeated sentence structures. Most of your sentences contain an action, a conjunction with some emotion, then another action. It's hard to notice at first, but continuous reading of your book will start to show it. In fact, this is how most people write automatically, and it's how I write too. When editing, you have to make sure you are not always starting sentences with a subject, and you're varying your sentences between long and short. All good things to pay attention to. But the main one: watch your conjunctions. In your case, you overuse the 'and' conjunction. Look at this example here:
'Lennox tried not to chuckle, and swiped the money off the metal counter, looking them up and down.'
The problem here may at first be attributed to too many commas. In fact, to make this sentence grammatically correct, you would just take out the first comma (since the second clause there isn't independent (it lacks a subject again!)). But the point of reviews is to do more than just make things grammatically correct, isn't it?
In the above example, you need to take out the 'and' conjunction, because you just use it too much. Yes--'and' is a similar tool to 'said'--it's so common and simple that the reader will often skip over it while still retaining its meaning. As helpful as that is, too much repetition of 'and' and 'said' will become obvious.
In addition, this sentence would just make more sense with an alternate conjunction. Look at this:
'Lennox tried not to chuckle as he whipped the money off the metal counter, looking them up and down.'
This is an excellent example of a place where you could utilize other conjunction to switch up your repetition. Keep this in mind with sentence structure among other things.
0 8 / 1 0
i. CHARACTERS
I think you've done character descriptions so beautifully. I like longer descriptions, but I've edited them out of my own books to appeal to the bigger audience. Even though I have a soft spot for long, flowing descriptions, I adore yours. You've got little tiny descriptions that appear when is natural, but I still have an excellent feel for your characters. Just remember that descriptions are excellent when used in action tags, and they're very effective to forming a character!
There's one thing you could utilize. Unique descriptions are essential. Look at these below:
I keep ketchup packages stocked in my fridge--is that because I'm a hoarder and I can't throw things away, is it because I'm cheap, or is it because my father used to yell at me for throwing them away, and now it's a habit I don't exactly control?
I always look at my receipt before I walk away from the cashier, just in case there's a mistake. Is that because I'm uptight and type-A, is it because I like confrontation, or is it because I'm a struggling university student that can't afford the mistake of even an extra dollar charge?
These simple descriptions of me have given you new questions about my character, new ways to wonder about me and my life. They create something really incredible in terms of character development. Try adding in some of these oddly specific, interesting things.
ii. SCENES
Your scene description is immaculate. It's beautiful and I can see the work you've put into it. The problem in my eyes? All good writing walks the line between poetry and academic, and yours is leaning just a little too close to forced poetry.
Am I a hypocrite for this? Yes. I write dangerously close to a poet, especially in prologues and setting scenes. However, I think the factor that pushes my prose back into the happy medium is the academic tendencies. I hate misused commas and things that venture too close to poetry, so I'm careful to maintain a certain level of academia when I write. That means advanced sentence structure, correct grammar and very little bending of the rules.
So maybe that makes no sense. Here's an excerpt from your story:
'The shocking reality of having fired the first lethal shot. The ominous bang the weapon makes when the trigger is finally pulled. The clatter of empty bullet cartridges falling onto the dusty, barren ground. The rush of air, the electric racing of the heart. The euphonious melody of death's longing embrace.'
That's lovely! I read it out to my sister and we talked through some of the problems we found with it. We really liked the drama and the excitement, but something isn't quite right here. The problem is that it just goes on too long. That is, you've broken so many traditional rules, all at once. If you look above, most of those sentences aren't even clauses--that is, they don't have subjects. They're noun phrases, which mean they're using sounds or things as nouns. They're not full sentences, which mean they don't adhere to normal rules. Now that's fine, if you use them moderately. The problem arises when you have so many all together--giving the reader no stable, full sentences between the poetic ones. Here's how I'd write your scene set up here, maintaining poetry but invoking full sentences to provide stability.
'The first lethal shot is shocking. Perhaps it's the ominous bang the weapon makes or the clatter of empty bullet cartridges falling to the dusty, barren ground. Maybe it's the rush of air, the electric racing of the heart. But no matter what, this euphonious melody of death's longing embrace is his reality.'
Couple things done here. For one, I've added in subjects, forming full sentences. Then I've added in 'perhaps' and 'maybe' to stick with the poetry feel you had going for you. And then, finally, I've put in the little mention of Ren at the very end, which simply helps to move into the next paragraph.
0 8 / 1 0
i. PLOT
Your plot is pretty unique! You've got some historical factors, but you've made your story interesting enough. I like the contrast of a florist to a gunner, and i think you use it in a very effective way. I like how you're developing the plot, and I love what I think is going to come.
ii. TONE
Your tone isn't exactly easy--it has, at times, the feel of flowery prose. It's very unique, and it walks the perfect line between original and too abstract to follow. Your metaphors are few and far in between, which makes the ones we come across all the more special. I really love your tone! You stay in past tense for the whole story, so that's all worked out, and otherwise I can't think of any points to bring up here.
1 0 / 1 0
I really like the tone and plot of this story, and I appreciate the clear hard work that's gone into editing. You could use with more dashes, and you could learn commas just a little more. Otherwise, the biggest problems with your story are very minuscule. Just some things to think about regarding timeskips and flow, and you'll be on your way to a great story!
4 8 / 6 0