Romanogers written by Han_Banana21
i. COVER & TITLE
Your cover is a no for me for a few reasons. It's simple, text-slapped, and the colours don't pop or match. I'd highly recommend getting a new cover from a designer in my reading list. Highly recommend. Your writing is great, and it deserves a better cover.
Your title gives me similar simple vibes. I know that fanfics often have generic titles, but they don't have to. Try giving it something a little more unique than just a ship name or 'falling for you'. I think you can do better with finding a title that draws attention. A significant phrase, object or message works. Try coming up with some different stuff and trying out the possibility of switching your title.
ii. BLURB
Your blurb is short, which I can appreciate, but it doesn't give us much info. That's fine--because we know these characters already and we know what's going to happen. But I would recommend making your blurb a little more eye-catching and slightly less cliche-y. I know it's a scene in your book, which is fine, but it's not all that alluring. Here's what I've done:
My heart is not fluttering.
I'm Natasha Romanoff, trained assassin and deadly killer. My heart does not 'flutter'. And yet here I am, noticing every detail about Steve Rogers as he stands in front of me at the pool of the Avengers compound. I do not catch feelings. My heart is not supposed to flutter.
But it most definitely is.
This is a little more dramatic and eye-catching, but it still doesn't give as many details about the story as I think you could provide. Your blurb is short enough that you have space to work with here, so don't worry about adding in a few extra lines.
0 6 / 1 5
i. PUNCTUATION
#1: COMMAS AND CONJUNCTIONS
Your main comma issue is the lack of one before a conjunction. Conjunctions, words such as 'and', 'but' 'as' and so forth, are paired with a comma if both clauses around it are independent, meaning they standalone and make sense without clarification. Look here:
'Swimming was one of my coping mechanisms and it had been working quite well on the nights when sleep decided it wasn't going to happen.'
Separating these clauses with a period:
Swimming was one of my coping mechanisms. It had been working quite well on the nights when sleep decided it wasn't going to happen.'
Do you notice how these two clauses still make sense on their own--that means they are independent. Therefore, the correction for the original sentence would be to put a comma before the conjunction:
'Swimming was one of my coping mechanisms, and it had been working quite well on the nights when sleep decided it wasn't going to happen.'
#2: THE DASH
You'll never meet someone who loves the dash more than I do. Never. I have pictures of the em dash posted on my walls like other teenagers have pictures of singers. Am I kidding? I could be. But I really like the em dash in creative writing. It's so useful.
A big place the dash can be utilized is in the case of too many commas. Look here, from your book:
'I whipped my head to the left and saw, of all people, Steve, standing by the sliding doors coming toward the pool.'
Those are a lot of commas all at once, and you're actually missing another one after 'doors'. So how do you use the dash to minimize your commas?
'I whipped my head to the left and saw--out of all people--Steve, standing by the sliding doors, coming towards the pool.'
This isn't a great sentence, but it's grammatically correct. To rid of the excessive pauses here, I would write it like this:
'I whipped my head to the left and saw Steve--out of all people--standing by the sliding doors before coming towards the pool.'
Here, we've gotten rid of the commas entirely and used the dash to make this smoother. In addition, you're using the right dash, but you have a space on either side sometimes where you shouldn't. And just make sure you use the elongated dash. You can do this by writing on a program like Word or Google Docs and then copying it into Wattpad.
ii. DIALGOUE
I found your dialogue to be pretty perfect. I didn't find any mistakes, even when you used tag in the middle of dialogue. Your punctuation here was done very well.
iii. TYPOS
I didn't find any typos either, which shows me the clear work you've put into your story. It's always great to find stories that have been well-edited.
1 1 / 1 5
i. PACING
I think fast-pacing is effective, but I don't think yours works in the way I would recommend. The problem is that we enter Natasha's head while she has already begun to see Steve differently--and him as well--which required a bit of info-dumping in the beginning to explain their feelings and what has been happening. It required a lot of straightforward lecturing rather than a storyline. It's good writing, but it could be better in terms of exposition.
I think you should consider starting your story at a point where Steve and Natasha are normal with each other. This way, there could be one significant event that draws them together--and that would explain why they feel the way they do now. It would ease readers into this relationship a bit better, and it would also rid of the feeling exposition in the beginning.
ii. TRANSITIONS
I think your transitions between Steve and Natasha are just fine, but I'm not sure I liked the one at the beginning of chapter 2. I found the first part of the chapter short and exposition-heavy, then we move on to the next morning right after. I think Steve's pool-thoughts could actually be taken out, especially if you undergo the changes I suggested in pacing. As the reader, you've left nothing up to consideration. We know exactly how your characters are feeling, and we don't have much to guess upon--which is where a story thrives. Try using less timeskips to clean up some of your jarring transitions. What can happen in between these timeskips to make the story more connected--is there parts of the story that don't have both your mains that may help to develop them individually?
0 6 / 1 0
i. CHARACTERS
This is a tough section to review for your story. On one hand, I see your characters very vividly, but that's because I already know them. So do you need character description? No, probably not. But it is part of a story, and it does make writing feel real, and where you can express your tone.
You can implement some description here in there, again it's not necessary. But I think it would make the story feel a bit more real and inviting. Try just a few little physical descriptions here and there to spice up your characters.
ii. SCENES
I don't have any major problems with your description. I'm happy to see you don't over-describe anything, which is a refreshing way to write. I find that I can see things just fine with the amount of description you have, but there's always the option to use things like smell, taste, and other senses in moderation to improve the vividity of your story.
0 7 / 1 0
i. PLOT
There is no real criteria that I can just a fanfic on here. As fanfictions go, i find your plot decently original and with a fun touch on it. I like that you have the diner subplot, with Nat's friends and undercover job, which adds to the realism and excitement of the story. It also gives us a break away from back-to-back Steve and Nat scenes.
As always, I can't judge the overall arc of your plot because I didn't read the whole book. But I found your plot to be fun and engaging in the best of ways.
ii. TONE
I like the humour and light tone to your story, but I do have one big suggestion. I find Steve and Natasha's POVs to be very similar in the way they narrative. I think it's a good idea to go back and see how you can separate their POVs to make them original. My advice is to never write different POVs in the same sitting. Get up, have a snack, then come back with a fresh vision. Try thinking of ways each character can view things originally, like the fact the Nat has some trust and emotional barrier issues makes her see the worst of people right off the bat, whereas Steve's old-fashioned mindset allows him to see the good in people right off the bat. Things like this will allow us to separate the two characters and make their tones differentiate.
0 8 / 1 0
For the most part, your writing and therefore story comes off very clean and simple--making for easy reading. I enjoy the short chapters that make it easy to follow and interesting to read. Since these characters are widely-known, you are saved the work of having to deep-dive into who they are, but you still do an admirable job of exploring who these versions of them are. With a few fixes in flow and just the occasional comma issue, I think this story could be really great.
3 7 / 6 0