Title: What Happened at the Lake
Author: devilsstepfather
Genre: Paranormal / Fiction
Chapters: The Lake - After the bell
Blurb Below:
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I. Title: What Happened at the Lake
Shall we begin?! SO. The title is nice, it leaves that questioning aspect that I like, and I also feel that we get to see a bit about what the setting and plot will be around. Not a lot I want to say but I can tell that it will have an eeriness, mystery/thriller, horror, or paranormal genre/tone towards its development.
It kind of feels passive and wants you to join with it without trying to fully target the audience with its impact. It could be the "Why" at the beginning that causes it to be passive. I like the "lake" in the title, but I feel like you could easily make the title shorter and a bigger punch to it.
II. Cover
Clear letters! Thank you! Whoever made your cover made the title visible and stand out from the contrasting dark blue and black as the background. Also, the hand coming out of the lake makes it much more eerie and like that horror element that is perfect with the title. Additionally, having the darker tone of colors emphasizes the overall plot lining or image that the audience will be able to envision.
I, personally, do not like the words taking up a big chunk of the cover. From my standpoint, please understand that I am not a graphic designer and only a reviewer, so this type of stuff is more of an audience standpoint that has bias. I know that there are people that love having the words take up the cover; but for me, I feel like it takes away from the potential that the background will have. The title with your name part and the words takes up almost half of the cover, which could have been used to add more horror or eeriness in the cover or lower the hand part and add more to the full background.
III. Blurb
Onto the blurb. It is... I am not sure how I feel about it. Does it get to the point? Yes. But is it executed properly or done in a good form? Not sure about that. The problem I have is that it tries to build suspense, but I am not sure it was executed well enough. Like you know what to do to have suspense or anticipation, but it feels like it lacks the qualities to draw the audience in. Also, quick thing, you need a period after "...if I had never entered the lake."
I could see your intentions and what you wish to execute with a question raised, a bit of info of the setting, and a first-person perspective, but it doesn't work for me that well. I really see potential, but you need to go back and look through on how to really make suspense on it.
IV. First Sentences
For this segment, I will be including the first sentences in the "The lake" chapter and "Morning buzz" chapter. So, to begin! I will say, I like how you improved the quality of suspense and horror elements. I will mention this quickly, I write in horror and suspense so I will be extra picky on this section since it is what I strive for. With these lines... I am confused. Okay, let me do a quick disclaimer, no hate to you, as the author. I actually like these types of beginnings where English has evolved into a different style with word placement. But I think you begin getting lost in the way you order the words that it just seems so grammatically incorrect that it throws people off. At least for me. "And again you might not the wind might be blowing." Easier ways to execute a poetic element but this just doesn't do it for me. I will quickly move on, but I feel that if your intention was to make it quite poetic, you need to look back at other suspenseful poetry and see similarities. Not telling you to fully change your style, but I can see your intentions and it just isn't working as well as I hoped it would. I love these types of things at the beginning of chapters and especially as a "prologue" it is quite nice, but I feel you can improve this more.
I will say, I am quite biased with what I am about to say so just for that, and knowing myself, I will not count this towards the rating. I HATE the "waking up in the morning" trope. I never liked it and felt it weakens the suspenseful beginning to a world-building someone can do.
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SHALL WE BEGIN! I know it has been quite a while since I did a review, so I am so ready!!! Alright, to begin with, I think your line transfers seem off on the computer version. Probably for the phone it is fine, but on the computer, it seems excessive, but we will move past that.
Okay, grammar. It is striking right away. There are unnecessary commas in the first lines in the "Morning buzz" chapter and I have no idea why. Also, throughout the first chapter, it is grammar that is driving me away from plot. There are places that need periods, there are places that need dialogue tags, there are weird capitalization in random places, etc. Additionally, I feel like you tried evoking a certain tone or writing style for this story that doesn't seem to be functioning well. Also, make sure that when you use a name, you keep it capitalized and don't have weird spacing. I really am trying to continue reading through as I can see bits and pieces of the persona our main protagonist is following in, but I personally feel this entire first chapter is like a filler chapter where it could be evoked differently and perhaps taken a new route. Like if you want to keep the chapter, make it have where the main protagonist has random thoughts (on another note, if they think about it, but it in italics) about the lake or other suspenseful areas. With horror, thrillers, mystery, and suspenseful stories, they need to capitalize off of right away eeriness that gets the audience to stick around.
With the "Exploring" & "After the bell" chapters, I promise you this tip, please go over and edit. I know it can be easy to miss the little mistakes and that is okay, I make them myself, but there are times where you need to ensure that dialogue is closed with a period, sentences end with a period, and that you work on placement of sentences.
This is more than I usually read as I always do 2-3 chapters maximum, but I really wanted to look for that suspenseful element I could see potential in, and I didn't receive that. As you list it as a Paranormal story, you need to set the ground running on those monsters, lore, etc. Never info dump, I noticed A LOT of this in your story and I hate that. Additionally, it feels a lot like filler chapter after filler chapter. I know that the Wattpad community is different, but you seriously need to allow yourself to sit back and look for "what do I want my audience to be drawn towards?" Or "what do I think my readers should be able to think about?" The art of writing is that everyone can have their own perspective of situations, which is why a story needs to hold up this concept with lingering questions that an audience member would be like "I need to keep reading to know if this question I have is true or not." So far, I haven't seen a plot beginning and only a super long introduction.
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Some things you can look at quickly to know what you need to improve on. Remember, this review is my opinion and my reflection/analysis of your work as you gave permission for me to do so. I am quite brutal, but I do this because I really want every writer to see their best work be at its prime!
1. Grammatical errors need fixing
2. Spacing
3. Periods
4. Commas
5. Sentence placements
6. Look back and make sure to edit properly
7. Work on building a specific genre/concept at the very beginning of the story
8. Stay away from filler chapters as they are simply information dumps of wording
9. Make sure to reflection on your piece
And that is all I have to say. I really did enjoy my read. If anything, you can message me through PM or through here (you will have to tag me for me to get the notification) for any additional coverage that you would like me to discuss. Hope you found your review helpful!
Have a great day and continue to write as much as your happiness can go for!