The Time Trilogy written by CptTbone13
i. COVER & TITLE
Your cover needs a lot of work in my opinion. For one, it has a confusing style to it and doesn't look very professional. I would highly recommend applying for a graphic designer to make your cover for you, or at least try cleaning it up yourself. The title of the book is smaller than the author's name, which isn't always a good idea. The title should be big and eye-catching. Your title is fine, it makes sense. I understand there are three books in the one, but I'm thinking there may be a better title than just calling it a trilogy. For example, even calling it a series would make the name more unique. For example, some trilogies have cool, unique names for their trilogies. For example, the Scythe trilogy is called 'Arc of a Scythe' and the Cruel Prince trilogy is called 'The Folk of Air Series.' That just showcases that there are ways to make a trilogy title original but also all-encompassing.
ii. BLURB
I appreciate how short your blurb is, but there are a few things we can change to make it more effective. First off, I never recommend starting with the name and age of the main character. It's generic and everyone does it. In addition, names don't mean anything to the reader yet--not like they do to you. Your blurb is also extremely straightforward and doesn't use a lot of drama. Here's a suggestion to increase the style of the blurb:
His mother unveiled to the world that time travel was possible. And then she died.
Genius Robert James finds himself living in a convoluted world after the death of his mother. With robots already living among humans, it makes society more advanced--and also more dangerous. After Bob investigates his mother's death and discovers the person responsible, he is put through an experience unlike anything else: fighting robots, time travelling and saving the world from a genocidal plot.
This blurb is a little more effective in the drama department and in organization and structure. I'd recommend doing something like this for your edited blurb.
0 7 / 1 5
i. GRAMMAR
You don't struggle with a lot of comma errors, but there were a few. I get the sense that you know the rules but just suffer the occasional oversight. Just make sure you extensively edit those out. I would suggest that you use more dashes in place of a comma as well.
ii. TENSE ERRORS
Perhaps your most glaring logistical error is the tense switch-ups. I'm still unsure if you're writing in present tense or past because you jump around so much. You need to pick one and stay there. I believe you're in past tense most of the time, and in my opinion, that's the most effective writing you do. I would comb through your story and make sure you have those errors worked out.
Examples from your book:
"I haven't talked to her today."--chapter 2, present tense
"I saw her by the gate.' --chapter 2, past tense
There are numerous examples of this happening through the beginning chapters. It will take a lot of work to fix this throughout the entire book trilogy, but it will drastically improve the flow and convenience of the story.
iii. DIALOGUE
I don't see any major issues with dialogue except the mistake of using an action tag as a dialogue tag. Example from chapter 2:
"Slow down there," she laughed.
'she laughed' is not a dialogue tag, since it does not describe the way the dialogue is being spoken; it is an action tag. Correction:
"Slow down there." She laughed.
0 9 / 1 5
i. BASIC WRITING
I have a few issues with the flow of your writing that I'd like to mention. For one, why does he call Emma 'his girlfriend' to us even though we know her name? It feels forced. Second, you re-explain numerous concepts to us over and over. The storytelling, especially in the first chapter, needs to be reorganized. If you want to go the academic route, make an outline for yourself with the chronological order you would like to present the information in. That brings me to my next point: you have an info-dumping problem. We get so much information told to us in the first chapter, and it's all told at once. You might want to look into the concept of 'show, don't tell'. It would greatly benefit your storytelling. Introduce that information when it feels natural, not when it's convenient or easy.
ii. TRANSITIONS
Why was there a timeskip in the first chapter? I thought it was a little odd and messed with flow. I'd get rid of that. That was the only transitional issue I found.
iii. STRUCTURE
The structure of your sentences was a little problematic. Every sentence appeared to be crafted in the same way. I did this, I did that. It was very simple. When you're writing creatively, make sure to switch up the structure of your sentences to really make that story flow as best as you can. You can also go for more complex sentences to keep it interesting.
iii. PACING
Because of the info-dumping, your pacing ends up lagging a lot. There needs to be more happening in between all the explanations to keep us interested and focused. That way, the info will be introduced more naturally as well.
0 4 / 1 0
i. CHARACTERS
As with your general information, you also have a description info-dumping problem. Let's look at this description of Emma:
'She was wearing an unbuttoned blue plaid shirt, a red t-shirt underneath, and black tight jeans. Her golden-brown hair was curled with some strands resting in front of her shoulders. She didn't wear any makeup, but she was still gorgeous.'
So to start, you shouldn't give this much info on her current appearance all at once, but that's a personal opinion. But if you are going to give so much info, you need to find a way to refine it and make it unique. I could find all of those sentences above in plenty of Wattpad books.
I use a rule I call the 'two-to-one-ratio'. What that means is for every two physical descriptions I give, I give an emotional description as well. It increases the flow and makes the story more natural.
So inputting that into your description of Emma. This is what I would like to see from your writing:
'She was a humble type of gorgeous, with a clear face and a simple outfit: tight black jeans and a red t-shirt underneath a plaid blue shirt. Her hair was golden-brown, curled and framing her relaxed expression.'
So that's better, but it's not what I would write. For starters, I never describe a whole outfit if it can't be refined down to a few words. Second, I would do way more emotional description. I don't really know who Emma is yet, so keep in mind I'm just making stuff up here. But this is what I would write:
'Emma was a detailed person. You could see it just by looking at her--the way her red undershirt had all the threads in place, the way her shoes were unscuffed. She was gorgeous without the assistance of makeup, her golden curls shining in the sunlight I knew she loved.'
There's more depth to this description, and we immediately get a feel of who this character is. I have numerous descriptive examples in my reviews for you to look at, and I also have the third chapter of my book that is heavily descriptive with new characters. I'd recommend checking both options out to strengthen this area of your writing.
ii. SCENES
Your scene description is lacking in the senses. We don't get a lot of smell, touch and sound. We don't get a lot of visuals, either. Scene description is a touchy area, so make sure you're careful to keep the description in an area that remains smooth and descriptive but not overkill.
0 5 / 1 0
i. PLOT
I can't judge plot too harshly, but I like yours so far. It seems original enough, and there's a lot of potential for the characters to grow from the issues they encounter. I haven't seen anything like this on Wattpad, either, so that's awesome! The first two chapters create a bit of a disconnected plot because we have some timeline-hopping but perhaps that's on brand.
ii. TONE
In my opinion, I don't love the tone because it's very straightforward and simple, with not a ton of dramatics or literary devices. If you want to increase the originality of it, then try to do some dappling in things like metaphors and similies. These are the things that make creative writing creative. Comparisons, irony, exaggeration--they drive a story.
0 7 / 1 0
There are definitely ways this story can be improved or enhanced, but it has potential in the originality of the plot and the creativity in the characters. I was impressed in the lack of grammatical errors and your clear understanding of dialogue. The flow of the story could use work, but overall I enjoyed reviewing this story!
3 2 / 6 0