In Five Years, With Five Songs
*this review & book deals with suicide*
Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)
I like the idea of your cover. But I don't like your cover. There's a lot going on and it doesn't look professional. However, the cover you currently have gave me a sort of idea. What if you were to make your cover like an album cover? The name of the song would be the title of the book, and the artist name would be your name. I just think that would be super cool and would greatly reflect the storyline. It's just an idea. I would recommend you get a new cover either way, since this one didn't jump out at me. I have a few designers in my reading list that I've worked with and trust to give quality content, and they would probably love to experiment with that album cover idea.
Your title is perfect! It's super unique and reflects the storyline perfectly. Well done here!
I have some issues with your blub, but I like the overall drama of it. With that being said, you have a lot of comma mistakes and grammar mistakes. I won't point them out here. In addition, your blurb is too long and too disconnected, and there's too much info given. For example, when you name the five people the songs are dedicated to. We don't need those names at this point and they just confuse readers. Below, I've kept the overall feel of your blub, but I've fixed grammatical mistakes and took out info I thought was necessary in order to shorten the blurb. I also changed the beginning to increase the number of readers that will click based on your first sentence.
It's a heart-wrenching suicide note, really. The only problem? It's fake.
Recently deceases pop star sensation Leah Mendez didn't really dedicate her songs to those who feel lost and broken, as the fake suicide note claims. The real note dedicates those same songs to five people: her secret crush, her favourite ex, her one night stand, her first love and her fake boyfriend.
The real note states that she was a lesbian.
The real note states that she was not as perfect as she seemed.
The real note allows for five videos to be released five years after her death. Videos that will change the way the world viewed Leah Mendez.
It's been five years. There are five songs.
So this blurb is shorter and more concise, with less information. It also ends with a nice little bow tying the blurb to the title, which is always nice. You can use this blurb exactly or restructure it however you want, but I'd recommend shortening and clearing up what you have.
9/15
Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)
Your story struggles with some grammar issues. They disrupt the flow of your story significantly, so below I've pointed some out and explained how to fix them. First off:
REPETITION
So these are hard to explain, but they are your most persistent problem. First is the very first line of Track one – Maniac:
'The angle that the camera was at was simple.'
So technically, there is nothing grammatically wrong with this. But you use the word 'was' twice in three words, which clunks up the writing. I found these kind of things in your writing often. I would recommend reading your chapters aloud. You're more likely to find things like this. I would rewrite that sentence as this:
'The camera was at a simple angle.'
This gets the same point across, but it is far clearer and cleaner. I've mentioned this problem in story flow as well, but I'll leave it at that for now.
COMMAS
I know. Commas are stupid I hate commas we all hate commas. But they need to be in your writing. And they need to be used properly or your writing will be confusing. Now, there are situations where commas are optional. I'm a comma minimalist, so I never use a comma unless the rules state I have to. But for your writing, I'm going to correct only the ones that need to be correct, not the optional ones. But I'm telling you this because I think the less commas, the better. So it's up to you. But here's my comma rules below. I spent years making these as best as I could, so I hope they help:
First, independent and dependant clauses must be explained.
An independent clause is a clause that can stand alone because it has a subject (she, him, I) and a verb (the action). A dependant clause is a clause that cannot stand alone because it, most of the time, is missing a subject. Examples:
Independent clause: I went to the store, and I bought oranges.
Both 'I went to the store' and 'I bought oranges' are independent. If you put a period between them, they work as two sentences: I went to the store. I bought oranges.
Dependant clause: I went to the store and bought oranges.
'I went to the store' is independent, 'bought oranges' is not, since it has no subject. You can confirm this by putting a period in between the clauses. It won't make sense, since the second clause is dependant on the first to make sense: I went to the store. Bought oranges. (INCORRECT!)
Now, proceeding with my carefully crafted rules:
1. Dependant clause, independent clause
Example: With a lot of difficulty, I completed the hike.
Explanation: Completing the hike is independent because it stands alone. Therefore, you can make it its own sentence. The difficulty at which it was completed must refer to the hike. Therefore, it is dependent because it could not make sense as its own sentence. When a dependent clause comes before an independent clause, put a comma in between.
2. Independent clause dependant clause
Example: I completed the hike with a lot of difficulty.
Explanation: Again, these are the same clauses from before. When an independent clause comes before a dependent clause, there is no need to put a comma. This is where you struggle the most.
3. Independent essential dependent clause clause
Example: Me and my friends climbed Mount Everest yesterday.
Explanation: 'Me and my friends [did this] yesterday' is independent. 'Climbed Mount Everest' is not independent because it refers to the previous clause, but it is essential to the sentence. Basically, if the dependent clause in the middle of a sentence changes the meaning when it is taken out, that means it's essential.
4. Independent, nonessential dependent clause, clause
Example: Me and my friends, wearing warm clothing, climbed Mount Everest yesterday.
Explanation: So here, the nonessential dependent clause 'wearing warm clothing' does not change the meaning if it's taken out. So, you use a comma to separate it.
And those are my rules. I hope they help. I know it's a lot. But I firmly believe these rules are the best way to help with comma issues. Try your best to absorb them. Eventually, you'll get so good at commas you won't need to check for independence, you'll just know.
DIALOGUE TAGS
You have issues with dialogue tags. Here are the rules to fix them, put in the least-confusing way I know.
- A dialogue tag is anything that describes the way something is said (ex. he screamed, she whispered, I asked).
- An action tag is anything that implies who is speaking by using an action (ex. he grinned, she raised an eyebrow, I blinked).
Some verbs can be used as both, such as 'he groaned.' If you want to say he said something in a groan, it's a dialogue tag. If you want to say he said something and then he groaned, it's an action tag.
Now, placing these into your writing. Here are the rules:
When you have a dialogue tag following or proceeding a spoken sentence, the beginning of the spoken sentence is always capitalized and if your dialogue tag is after, then you end the spoken sentence with a comma and begin the dialogue tag with a lowercase. If the dialogue tag comes before, then you place a comma after the dialogue tag and begin the spoken sentence with a capital.
Examples:
"Hello," he said.
OR
He said, "Hello."
When you have a dialogue tag in the middle of two spoken sentences, you
a) either pick a sentence and attach the dialogue tag to that using the above rules, or you
b) make it all one sentence and end the dialogue tag with a comma and begin the spoke sentence with a lowercase.
Examples:
"Hello," he said. "It's nice out today."
OR
"Hello." He said, "It's nice out today."
OR
"Hello," he said, "it's nice out today."
Whenever you have an exclamation mark, question mark or a name that must be capitalized, you simply add your mark, capitalize the name and do not change any other punctuation.
Examples:
"Hello," I said.
OR
"Hello?" she asked.
When you are using action tags, you follow the regular rules of writing and end the spoken sentence with a period and begin the action tag with a capital.
Examples:
"Hello." He grinned.
He grinned. "Hello."
If you follow these rules, you shouldn't struggle with your dialogue anymore.
THE SEMICOLON
I LOVE the semicolon. Everyone thinks it's confusing. But it's really not. Basically, it's used when you have two independent (standalone) sentences that are still related, so you'd rather not put a period in between them. Example from your chapter two:
'The angle of the camera hadn't changed, it seemed as if she filmed one video after the next.'
Both of those are independent. Comma there is not allowed. You have two options. Option one, use a period:
'The angle of the camera hadn't changed. It seemed as if she filmed one video after the next.'
Option two: use a semicolon (I recommend this; it's better for flow):
'The angle of the camera hadn't changed; it seemed as if she filmed one video after the next.'
SIMPLE TYPOS
You often forget a question mark or a period, or forgot to capitalize something. These are simply things that need to be fixed with spellcheck to increase story flow.
And those are the main logistics issues. I haven't pointed them all out, so I hope you comb through your writing to find them as best as possible.
8/15
Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)
Another problem with repetition is I found your paragraphs often started with 'she' or 'her' or similar words. You should try to mix that up a little to make the story flow better. Your transitions are very important to story flow.
You also didn't include timeskips when you switched from the videos to the real life current time. You don't necessarily need to do this, but I think it would increase the flow of your story and wouldn't make readers so confused, as I was when I read through the first time. I think it would be a nice addition.
Your pacing is just fine. I love the way each chapter is a new song. It's super cool that way. I don't have any problems with pacing.
6/10
Description: (characters & scenes)
Your characters are vivid without being vivid physically. You don't describe them all that much, but I do feel very connected with how in their heads we are. The same goes for the scenes. When writing a book with heavy concepts like this, it's difficult to think of description as important. But it is important. My recommendation is to go back through this story and add as much as you can. Make us really be in that situation with them. I think it would increase the beauty and realness of your story. I won't give my description spiel here, but I do recommend adding in as much as you can. It will make your story even more heart-wrenching and real.
5/10
Originality: (plot & tone)
This is one of the most original concepts I've ever read on Wattpad. I think it's an incredible idea with a super important message. Full points for originality in the storyline. I find it heartbreaking how we get to see the mess left behind with this suicide, and how many people are affected, no matter how it might not seem like that.
Continuing on with tone, you have an issue with tenses. You write in past tense (I was, I did) but you occasionally throw in a present tense sentence (I am, I do). For example, from chapter one:
'My name is Taylor Hemingway.'
That sentence should be: 'My name was Taylor Hemingway.', since you're in past tense. You do this a few times, so I'd recommend combing through your writing to find them.
Other than the tense issues, I find your tone refreshing and clear. It gets warbled sometimes by the grammatical mistakes, but those can be fixed.
8/10
Final Comments:
I love the concept of this book. It's beautifully thought-out and wonderfully executed. Your mark is low because of logistic errors. But that does not mean this story doesn't have the potential to be something very meaningful and clear should you fix those up. You didn't get over fifty points, but I am adding this story to my finished reading list (I did read the whole thing) because I think it's a story people need to read.
Final score:
36/60
Extra stuff!
So you asked me to talk about your maturity rating. First, lets break down the way the guidelines work. The following is a list of things Wattpad states are mature topics, and your book should be marked mature if they have any of these:
1. Explicit sex scenes – you have none of these. You have sexual references, but that doesn't count. You're good here.
2. Graphic depictions of violence – you have none of this. You're good here.
3. Self-harm themes – you have suicide.
So here's where it gets technical. You should, according to Wattpad's guidelines, rate your story mature. Unfortunately, if you rate your story mature, it will disappear into the void and never be seen by any reader ever. That's a little dramatic. But you don't have as much of a chance of success with a mature rating.
So my recommendation is to not mark it mature, but put a disclaimer at the top of your blurb (as I did with this review) and keep that disclaimer chapter in as well. This will (hopefully) ensure that readers won't report you, since you have warned them to the best of your ability. The best way to do this is to put it at the TOP of your blurb. People won't feel bamboozled that way, and you probably won't get reported.
But you are in danger of being reported if you don't mark it mature. However, you would probably just get a mad email from Wattpad telling you they've marked it mature. Worst-case scenario, it gets taken down. That probably won't happen. But it could.
I would take the risk, and once your story develops traction, you can mark it mature. But I've seen books that are recommended by Wattpad and written by Wattpad stars that deal with the same concepts and are not marked mature. I think you'd be good with the disclaimer. But you do risk being reported. I hope this helps you make that decision!