What The Eyes Can See
Currently writing this in the middle of the night. I am focused, I promise. I'm just a little tired. Weird comments and spelling errors can be attributed to that.
Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)
Cool cover; I like cover. The only thing is the font of the title is...I don't know...it looks like one used on those super generic cover apps. I like it, it just lets me know that you made your cover on what of those apps and isn't very professional. I love the picture though. I would recommend sending the picture to a cover designer and asking them to do the font and author's name. I have a few cover shops in my reading lists that are wonderful.
I like the title. I don't know what it means yet, because as I am writing this I have not read your book. But I will come back to this if I figure out what it means. Keep in mind that I believe cool-sounding titles are exceptionally important. Titles can literally make or break a book. BUT they should reflect the story. Does yours? I don't know yet. Side note: the 'the' in your title does not need to be capitalized.
Ok so I'm back after reading your blurb and I get the title. I got this 'oohhh' look on my face immediately. That's very good. Very well done.
I spent a LONG minute trying to understand the first line of your blurb. Once I did, I loved it. But it needs some work based on grammar. Let me know if this makes more sense:
They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. That's true- but when they're also the window to events visible only to you- you refrain from peeking at them.
Next, I like how you start with something snappy and chop up the paragraphs. Good format. Then I read the rest of the blurb and I couldn't...find anything to critique. It's unique. It's fun. It's informative. Why did you request a review if you are perfect? I'm kidding I have plenty to say. Just not on your blurb. Good blurb.
Also, because I feel like the hook is very important in initial impression, I'd like to offer you praise for how incredible your hook is. Phenomenal.
12/15
Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)
No issues with grammar.
-You are the first person I have seen on Wattpad that understands the semicolon. Nice.
-You are the first person I have met on Wattpad that doesn't use the oxford comma. We're friends now.
I have found one spelling mistake. After literally trying SO hard to find them. Chapter two, you should have a period and you have comma. Someone already pointed it out in the comments, though. Proud of myself for finding that one.
I have found one mistake with dialogue, from chapter three:
'"I d-d-didn't know it was y-you," I let out a scream banging my head on my knees.'
That's an action tag at the end there, so no comma. Also, there should be a comma in that tag, no? Correction:
'"I d-d-didn't know it was y-you." I let out a scream, banging my head on my knees.'
However, no persistent mistakes.
14/15 - ?? the perfection here is confusing to me. Don't you ever make a misstype? I fear you are not a person but rather a robot. Congratulations on the highest logistics mark I have ever given.
Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)
Can we talk about the ending of your first chapter? Picture this: I'm writing this in my bed in the middle of the night, clutching my phone as I read through this scary part about this new character and then I get to the ending and I literally gasp. Why? Because I saw it coming and yet I also didn't. To have readers guess correctly but not be sure until they read it is awesome. It was so perfectly and beautifully written. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a transition!!
But I'm picky. So let's talk about how you can make it better! In my opinion, I didn't like the two dots at the end of the first chapter. It makes it seems like... is it her? Is it not? I would rather you be firm with us. Shock us. Put a period. And if you really want to increase the drama, do it like I would:
The woman beside me, the woman who had her goddamn eyes gouged out, the woman who was on the floor crying blood, the woman who was victim to such a beastly crime...
was me.
Drama! I love it. That makes me so exCITED. Some people think drama like that is annoying, so it's a preference thing. That being said, Wattpad is a place where weirdness and uniqueness thrives. Being dramatic is exactly what you need to get noticed. I think you should add more. Chop up your sentences a little more.
Let's talk about pacing! I don't have a problem with your pacing, but I also do. By that I mean your story pacing isn't bad but you have a little bit of run-on information in the first chapter. I think you need to focus on the idea of 'show, don't tell.' By this, I mean, do we really need all that info in the beginning, or is there a better way to introduce that information? Like how you explain about the main character's relationships with loved ones. There's a better way to do that in my opinion. Have the main character have some sort of interaction with a loved one that showcases this. Yes, this is harder to do, takes more work and is annoyingly complicated. But it makes a grrrreat story. Plus, you're at the point where I'm starting to recommend my most advanced critiques. So try to show us, not tell us. Another example, when you introduce Ryan. You have a whole bunch of paragraphs explaining his story. Is there a better way to show us this than just telling us?
In addition, you asked me to focus on the pacing of your plot because you thought it might be too fast. I would- if anything- say the opposite. I found the Ryan situation stretched over quite a few chapters but I didn't think it was too bad. After all she did murder somebody. That's kinda a big deal. I don't think it needs to be fixed. I wouldn't worry about it too much.
8/10
Description: (characters & scenes)
DON'T EVER WRITE 'HE WAS 5 FOOT 9'!!! Sorry for yelling. But this is a big no no in my opinion. It lacks smoothness and sounds weird. Write, 'He was just under six feet.' If you want to be specific, write, 'He was a few inches under six feet.' I really don't know why this bothers me. I just think it sounds a little lazy to type an exact height. Plus, it's unrealistic. Who knows the exact height of a person? I don't know.
So, you asked me to look at description specifically. I don't see a lot of physical description for characters. I think you should add more. Colour and such. You have a lot of views from your main character's perspective, but not so much on physical description. Since you specifically asked me about this, it shows you're in tune with your writing. So yes, I think you're correct, you should try to add more descriptions.
Descriptions on your end are good, but they're rather generic. Here's my ideas for you: add things that are weirdly specific and insightful. Tell us that this one character has eyebrows that remind you of a caterpillar. Say the side of his mouth curls up a little when he talks. Do you see what I'm saying? Specific things. I think that's what's going to make your descriptions more vivid. Also, here's my special little tip: describe voices! Voices are often forgotten by authors and yet they make up so much of a character. Smooth? Grating? Tell us! If you're really interested in descriptions, check out chapters 3 & 4 of my book. Chapter three introduces two essential characters in detail and chapter four introduces lots of characters in more of a swift way. I think it might give you some inspiration.
Scenes are a little better, but I want more. More description = better writing (as long as it's done properly). I like the metaphors you have, but I think you can have more. Some people don't like descriptive writing, but I think it's essential. I felt your story lack a realness to it that comes from describing every scent, texture and view.
8/10
Originality: (plot & tone)
Plot is obviously unique. That's quite obvious. You introduce it wonderfully.
You have some issues in the tense of your story, which I've decided to critique under tone. You write in past tense, but you have a few present tense sentences. Here from chapter one:
'Looks like some office was being set up here.'
That's a present-tense sentence. I think, right? It seems present tense to me. Let's see if this works better:
'It looked like some office was being set up there.'
That's a past-tense sentence. You have a few of these slip-ups in your story. They might be hard to find, but if you re-read your chapters and you find a sentence that just...feels wrong somehow, it's probably in the wrong tense.
9/10
Final Comments:
I think your story is beautiful. I think your writing is beautiful. You have things to work on, no doubt. But you have something really cool happening here. Those first two chapters are just incredible. I think you should increase the drama and work on adding more description. As you've probably noticed, my critiques on your story are mostly advanced. You've done an amazing job with this story. Also, I apologize for the chaotic energy of this review. I have exams. I am tired. Since you got over fifty points, I'll add this story to my reading list.
Final score:
51/60