Murderborne
Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)
I don't like your cover. Sorry. It's a good picture and I like the fonts but together it's not very captivating. I understand that your story has dark undertones, but you need to find a way to make your cover stand out more. The issue with your cover is mostly the title is barely visible. That problem probably comes from the fact that 'Murderborne' is a rather large word and can be troublesome to fit onto a cover while still making it big enough to read. I also have this problem with my title, as the word 'Uncertainty' is also quite cumbersome.
You might want to look into a split-word title. I haven't done this with my title, since my title has other words in it that I've chosen to focus on. Since you don't have that option, you might want to look into a split-word, where you have 'borne' under 'murder' but still try to make the title one word. If you don't understand what I'm saying because I think I'm explaining it really bad, look up the book Annihilation by Jeff Vandermeer and hopefully that will explain what I'm saying. Anyway. You can of course do what you want, the split-word title is just a suggestion. But they are quite unique. Anyway, you should look into a new cover. I have a reading list full of cover shops that I trust if you want.
I like the title. It's weird. It's unique. I have no problem with it. I think it relates to the story. Nice.
The blurb. I noticed two things right off the bat with your blurb. Number one: it scares me because it looks like one big chunk. If it scares me, it might scare others. Number two: the formatting was super weird when I opened it on my phone. Then when I tried it on my laptop, it was still weird. I'm not sure if that's an error or what but I didn't like it. As for the actual words, it's not bad. You give us a LOT of info to begin with, which again was quite terrifying. But the structure was quite good. I'll edit it below by removing what I think is unnecessary info and increasing the drama: (keep in mind I don't use the oxford comma because I HATE it but you can do what you want. Oxford comma is, at least in Canada, a writer's decision)
There are three species in Esternia and there always will be.
Demons, Angels and Humans live in their own segregated kingdoms and while there is constantly tension in the air, war had been avoided for years. That is, up until four years ago, when the Holy Wars began.
Gavin was born a Devoln. He should have been killed at birth. Maybe then he wouldn't have started the Holy war or become the most wanted criminal in Esternia. Maybe then his entire family wouldn't have been slaughtered and his day-to-day life wouldn't be spend trying to dodge the Inquisitors' every move.
Except that maybe he doesn't have to.
When Gavin meets Aeiln, a girl with a similar past, he is dragged along with her and challenged to fight the system that has been forever shoved down his throat.
There are three species in Esternia and there always will be.
Except, maybe not anymore.
So I love the repetition of this and it wraps up nicely. But as I wrote it I came up with a better idea but I don't want to delete what I just wrote so I'm just going to give you this new idea as well. I'm not sure if this fits Gavin's character as much as the first one, but I think it might be a little more inviting than your current style:
It was not his fault he started the Holy War.
In truth, all Gavin really did was be born as a Devoln. But just because he didn't mean to start the Holy War doesn't mean he doesn't spend his days as the most wanted criminal in Esternia, trying to dodge the Inquisitors' every move.
Until he stumbles upon Aeiln, a girl with a similar past who drags Gavin along with her to challenge the system and fight for something bigger.
Esternia has always had three species. But maybe that's about to change.
So this blurb is more lighthearted and fun. Maybe that's not the mood you want. I don't know. I just think it's snappier and might attract more readers. The only thing you really should change in your blurb is the formatting and making double spaces between your paragraphs to split it up. Other than that, my suggestions have just been a matter of cleaning up.
10/15
Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)
I don't see any persistent problems with your grammar, only awkward sentences- most writers deal with these. Sometimes I re-read something I wrote and I go: okay that makes no sense, let's restructure that. It's just a matter of knowing what sounds wonky. Here's one sentence I pulled from your chapter one:
However, all that changed when she heard a few people shouting near the entrance, and turned her head to look.
So there's an oxford comma in here which I hate but I understand it is preference. If you're not familiar with the oxford comma, it's when the comma is placed before 'and' in a sentence to string together two dependant sentences. In truth, I think this sentence would be better as two independent clauses (that means they stand alone and could be separated by a period). You could accomplish this by adding in a pronoun, in this case it would be 'she':
However, all that changed when she heard a few people shouting near the entrance. She turned her head to look.
Or, you could go with the good old semicolon, because the two concepts are still kinda related:
However, all that changed when she heard a few people shouting near the entrance; she turned her head to look.
Now. Even the two suggestions I've given you are weak, and I wouldn't ever want them in my writing. So what would I do? I'd add detail! Detail helps to make your sentences flow and make them nice and pretty. What about this:
However, all that changed when she heard a few people shouting near the entrance, loud noises piercing the air. She turned her head abruptly to look.
Do you see how this last suggestion is just a little more advanced? It makes us feels something. It turns a rather boring sentence into something fun! I've spent a lot of space on this one sentence, but I think it applies to everything you write. Most of your sentences are like this: they're crisp and for the most part concise, but they need that extra oompf to make them really good.
Spelling is rather good. I didn't catch a lot of pesky mistakes other than one or two. That's excellent, but as always, just proofread like a thousand times before you publish. That helps. One thing I noticed is when you use double quotations not as dialogue. Example from chapter one:
...and she was "helping him", he was still...
I don't like that. But I don't know what the rules for it are in your country. In Canada, we would use single quotations for that. But it's also somewhat of a preference. I would recommend single quotations for that because the rules are murky and that way, it's never confused with dialogue.
You also used some bolded italics to represent thoughts; you don't need the bold. The italics are enough. But whatever. Do what you want. It's Wattpad. Unique is good.
Dialogue tags = perfect. Thank you. I tried desperately to find ONE time you slipped up and you did not. Made me very happy (:
13/15
Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)
I don't particularly love how you end your chapters. It's a little abrupt. I'm not sure you do a good job of easing us into new chapters. I mentioned last review that you should end your chapters when you feel it is natural, not for any other reason. Within reason. Ten thousand word chapters aren't...ideal. But you get the idea. Don't end a chapter because you feel you have to. Also, usually, I wouldn't end with dialogue, unless it's some sort of really cool sentence/plot twist.
Also, your prologue is a little odd in the fact that it's quite long. I see it more as like a first chapter. A prologue is usually in a different perspective and very ominous. But do what you want. Just keep that in mind.
Pacing is rather good! I don't feel rushed or dragged, so that's awesome. Of course, I'm not really sure how the end of middle of your book will turn out, but if you stay on the pacing you have now, that'll be awesome.
7/10
Description: (characters & scenes)
I was so enthralled by your portrayal of Aeiln. She seems like quite the personality and I immediately liked her. Well done on that. However, you don't give description on her until nearly halfway through the first chapter and once you do, you dump it on us all at once, stating her hair colour and length, clothes and height all in one paragraph. I don't really like this. I always recommend providing descriptions as naturally as possible. I do a really big explanation on character description using specific examples from my book in another review. I've pasted in here because I think it might help you, too:
I have a solution that I often recommend. Don't info-dump physical description and mix it with emotional description. What I mean by this is we don't want to hear eye colour, hair colour, face structure and height all without any interruptions. I use a rule that usually works quite well: for every two physical descriptions you give, give an emotional description. By emotional description, I mean something that describes the aspects of the character that aren't physical, like the way they speak or their posture. I've picked out some descriptions from my book to display what I mean (I swear I'm not plugging my book I just find my own writing easier to explain):
He was the type of man that made Archer want to cower; tall, strong figure draped in black cloth and dark hair almost completely hidden by the monster of a captain's hat perched on his head. He had a strong, bold, commanding voice that made Archer's muscles melt into useless hunks of protein.
So let's break this down. First, I give you my main character's (Archer) impression of this new character by telling you how he makes Archer want to cower. Then, I give you two physical descriptions: he's tall and strong, and he has dark hair. I follow this up by telling you he has a captain's hat and I give you an emotional description of his voice, relating it to how it makes Archer feel. There's a bit of dialogue after this description, and then I go on to mention that this new character has dark blue eyes and his breath smells of rum. Again, I've matched a physical description with an emotional one. I've also purposely split up the colour of the eyes from the colour of the hair, so there isn't as much colour dumped on you at once. This is taken from the beginning of my chapter three if you want to look at it more.
Now this description doesn't always come easy the first time, and as you can tell there's a lot of method behind it. But I find this idea of description works well and flows very nicely. It also creates a beautifully vivid character that's well-rounded.
So there's my description spiel. If you want more, go to the fourth chapter of my book, where I introduce plenty of new characters for you to analyze what you like about what I do and what you hate. Going back to your description of Aeiln, I want to recommend one final thing: don't ever describe heights as 'four- eleven' as you did. Say 'just under five feet' or actually write out the numbers as I did. It just sounds better and more professional.
As for scene description, I think you've done a wonderful job. I like how you describe as you go along. It feels very natural. Excellent job there.
7/10
Originality: (plot & tone)
Plot seems quite unique in my eyes. I don't see any similarities or cliches. I am happy with the plot. Seems to developing nicely.
You write in omniscient, which means you (as a narrator) can hear the thoughts of all characters in the same instance. THAT'S SO COOL. Very few books are written that way. I noticed you have a few comments wondering whose head you were in and seemed to point to your switching as a mistake. It's not. omniscient is a completely valid perspective, it's just much more complicated and often harder to pull off. I don't have a problem with yours, it's actually rather smooth. It's unique. Just make sure you know that you're in omniscient. If you didn't know, like I previously stated, omniscient just means you are narrating everyone's thoughts and feelings in the same situation. It means you have access to all the character's heads and access to information that no character knows. The other option of third person is limited, where you only have access to one character's head and knowledge. I write in limited, so if you're curious how it works, you can look at my first chapter. I sometimes switch character perspectives as well, remaining in limited.
So, why is omniscient a good idea? For one, very few Wattpad writers are talented enough to pull it off. It shows you're confident in your ability to write. It's also unique, so it draws readers in. The only thing I have to critique as for your tone is that you do feel a little choppy. But that's just a matter of editing and such.
[Here's a secret: I actually do right in omniscient first person (ex. I did this, I did that, but they are all-knowing), but my readers won't know that until the last epilogue of my trilogy. (If you're reading this and you are also reading my book, just forget that you read that.) Basically, what this means is that I have actually one person narrating my story from first person, but since they rarely mention themselves, it tricks my readers into thinking they're reading narrative writing. That's just a fun little fact to show you just how much room for creativity there is with omniscient. As a fellow (secret) omniscient writer, I find your writing refreshing.]
8/10
Final Comments:
I think this book has some serious potential! You have some awkward sentences to fix up and maybe if you take my suggestions about smooth sentences and descriptions, you could make your book even better than it is right now. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed making this review and reading your book. Hopefully it helps. This book- despite all my critiques- is written quite well. I see it going far. Well done!!
Final score:
45/60