Rise of the Queen: Land of Eight
Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)
Your cover is aesthetic and pleasing, but I have seen this picture a few times on Wattpad for multiple stories. I'd recommend using a different picture or adjusting the picture to make it more unique. I like the ominous tone of it, and I like that right off the bat it implies fantasy. However, there is potential to make a better cover altogether. This story strikes me as the kind to have one of those really dramatic and epic covers with a crazy font and clues embedded in the pictures.
Your title is a little long, and I don't fully see the connection to the story- but I understand that the meaning may be a little clearer once the plot is further along. It is unique, however, so I don't have a problem with that aspect. Just make sure it relates to the story properly, and if it does, you're good to go!
I like the idea of putting an excerpt in your blurb. Especially in your case because it demonstrates how incredible your writing is. However, I don't think the excerpt you chose is as strong as some of the other writing you showcase. For example, your first chapter- with the repetition of 'protocol' and 'yet'- is an incredible piece of writing. If you want to showcase your writing right in your blurb, I'd recommend picking something from your first chapter instead- just because it's so good. How about this:
Protocol.
We had been trained to respond to the air. Protocol had been etched into every corner of our bodies. You did not. ever. break. protocol.
And yet I open my eyes.
Yet I lift my head.
Yet...
This was not protocol.
Here, I've taken the strongest, most impactful lines from your chapter one and pushed them together a bit. If I saw that blurb- even just the first word, I would click onto your story. It might be a good idea to change that around a bit since I just typed it up quickly, but I'm sure you get the point. As for the rest of your blurb, I like how much you explain, but it is just a tad long. Can you cut anything down to make it a little snappier? In fact, I think you only really need the first paragraph and end the entire blurb with 'and not for the better.' I don't really like blurbs that ask questions such as 'can she do this...' or 'will she...'. It seems a little odd to me, but perhaps that's just a matter of opinion. If you like it, keep it.
12/15
Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)
Your grammar is, for the most part, done properly. You have an occasionally extra comma here and there, and some points where you should have a comma and you didn't. In the first three chapters, I only found three or four of those, so your grammar is proper from what I've seen. One thing I noticed is you use 'and' a lot to begin a sentence. In truth, it's improper grammar, but it's also a good way to create drama in creative writing. I use 'and' to begin a sentence quite a bit, but you have to be careful to make sure it's not just a weird transition. I found a few of these. Here's one example from your chapter two:
'My pajama bottoms remained. And I was soaked, my hair clung uncomfortably to my face and neck. My feet bare.'
I don't see this as a particularly dramatic description, so I'd recommended restructuring it:
'My pajama bottoms remained but I was soaked. My hair clung uncomfortably to my face and neck; my feet bare.'
I think this retains the type of dramatic tone you're going for, but it smoothens it out a little. As I said, I love using 'and' and short sentences, but you have to be careful not to overuse it because it takes away from when you really use it well like you often do. Another trick is to use- I think they're called hyphens but I don't really know, I've always just heard them called dashes. So if you want to use 'and' but it is a little too choppy sounding, use the hyphen thing. I have an example here from your chapter three:
'The light blinds me before I even have the chance to open my eyes, sinking through my eyelids and stinging my cornea. And that is saying something.'
See, I like the 'and' here, but a hyphen thing would look better than the period, I think:
'The light blinds me before I even have the chance to open my eyes, sinking through my eyelids and stinging my cornea- and that's saying something.'
I also used a conjunction for 'that is' just because I thought it sounded better.
All of this is personal and creative choice, but I'd recommend going back and checking to see if you could restructure some of your sentences to avoid that repetition I'm seeing.
You have issues with your dialogue tags and punctuation. A dialogue tag is anything that describes the way something is said (ex. he screamed, she whispered, I asked). An action tag is anything that implies who is speaking by using an action (ex. he grinned, she raised an eyebrow, I blinked). Some verbs can be used as both, such as 'he groaned.' If you want to say he said something in a groan, it's a dialogue tag. If you want to say he said something and then he groaned, it's an action tag.
Now, placing these into your writing. Here are the rules:
When you have a dialogue tag following or proceeding a spoken sentence, the beginning of the spoken sentence is always capitalized and if your dialogue tag is after, then you end the spoken sentence with a comma and begin the dialogue tag with a lowercase. If the dialogue tag comes before, then you place a comma after the dialogue tag and begin the spoken sentence with a capital.
Examples:
"Hello," he said.
OR
He said, "Hello."
When you have a dialogue tag in the middle of two spoken sentences, you a) either pick a sentence and attach the dialogue tag to that using the above rules, or you b) make it all one sentence and end the dialogue tag with a comma and begin the spoke sentence with a lowercase.
Examples:
"Hello," he said. "It's nice out today."
OR
"Hello." He said, "It's nice out today."
OR
"Hello," he said, "it's nice out today."
Whenever you have an exclamation mark, question mark or a name that must be capitalized, you simply add your mark, capitalize the name and do not change any other punctuation.
Examples:
"Hello," I said.
OR
"Hello?" she asked.
When you are using action tags, you follow the regular rules of writing and end the spoken sentence with a period and begin the action tag with a capital.
Examples:
"Hello." He grinned.
He grinned. "Hello."
If you follow these rules, you shouldn't struggle with your dialogue anymore. One last thing- you sometimes forget question marks. I think these are simply mistakes, but I thought I'd mention it just because I saw it a few times. For example, from your chapter three:
"Are you finished." The voice is irritated.
You should have a question mark in there. I thought you might've done it for creative purposes, and if that was the case, I'd recommend adding in something like: 'he didn't phrase it as a question' just to make what you're doing a little more obvious.
11/15
Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)
I mentioned the issue of the transition above, but that's the only one I saw. I don't see you repeating any other terms in your writing. In fact, I usually felt very eased into changes in time and location.
Your pacing- from what I've read- is very good. I never felt like I was being rushed or forced, and I never felt like the story was dragging. Your dramatic style of writing keeps the reader interested and entertained. I can see you have a clear timeline for your plot, and I'm confident that you know what you're doing in terms of pacing.
9/10
Description: (characters & scenes)
Your characters are incredible! I often have to tell people not to info-dump in the descriptions and to spread out eye colour, hair colour, ect, but you've done a perfect job of only giving us what we need at the moment. You also don't introduce new characters too quickly or not fast enough. A great job done here!
Your scenes are equally well done. You don't give us too much unnecessary description, but you also don't leave us lacking. Not much to critique here!
10/10
Originality: (plot & tone)
Your plot is incredibly unique. I think you've done a great job of introducing what seems like an extremely complicated plot. If you keep giving us little details on what this world is like the way you did in your first four chapters, you will have created a plot that is complex and yet not overwhelming- which is a very hard thing to do. You do just enough explaining to keep me interested, and this is definitely a book I will make an effort to finish in the future.
Your tone is unique- that's for sure. It's choppy sometimes, but I think that might fit with your main character's way of thinking. If you did that on purpose, I'm very impressed. If you didn't, it's still pretty cool. You keep us well-updated on what's going on in your main character's head and do an awesome job of creating this big fantastical world. Sometimes, those grammar mistakes you make interfere with your tone, however- but that's not to worry about, since they can be fixed.
9/10
Final Comments:
As soon as I started reading this, I knew it would be good. You have a captivating sense of writing and tone that is absolutely wonderful. I sense a huge, fantasy epic in this book- one you can't put down. Should you fix up your dialogue and clean up your blurb, and you'll have an intense read on your hands. I'd highly recommend your book. The creativity is out-of-this-world incredible. You received over fifty points, so I'll add this story to my reading list.
Final score:
51/60