The Seasons of Sissera
Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)
Your story had a very good initial impression to me. Your cover is creative and seems to hold symbolic meaning to the plot. However, it is a little dark and I would not have picked it out of a list of stories simply because I couldn't see the title properly. With that being said, once I opened it to full size, I found it great. It would be a good idea to brighten up your cover, but you can also keep it the way it is.
Your title is perfect. It's snappy and it's got that whole alliteration thing going for it. It seems to relate beautifully to the story and encompasses meaning.
Your blurb is well done. I liked the first paragraph, but I wasn't enthralled by it. However, as soon as I got to the part where you listed the characters, I was hooked. That is definitely the strongest part of your blurb- at least to a reader like me, who tends to skim blurbs until I find something I like. I think those descriptions are incredibly unique and captivating. I would recommend reordering your blurb to put that part first. This is just a suggestion as I found that part to be so interesting. After all, it would be a shame for readers to never get a chance to read it because they chose to click off before they got to it. It also beautifully represents your abilities as a writer. It's clear and concise and it draws you in. However, it would be a little lengthy to put all of that before your actual explanation of the book. My final recommendation is to trim down that part and put it first. Is there any characters you can exclude from it to make it shorter? My favourites are the 'vagabond destined to be a dead king' one as well as the 'lover attempting to play a game of chess with lives.' I really like the one about mirrors as well. I think those are the strongest points of your blurb, so you should put them at the top. Your blurb is error-free and well-written either way. Well done on this aspect!
13/15
Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)
Your grammar is, for the most part, very well done. I noticed some commas that should be added here and there but they were very few and far between. I'm assuming they were simply errors. As always, I'd recommend going through your chapters and reading them aloud. If you have trouble getting the sentence out on the first try, the grammar isn't clear enough. The only major problem I found was the hook of your first chapter. I like the hook, but the sentence is a little awkward. I'd recommend restructuring this. The hook is very important- and I was surprised at how good your grammar was the rest of the story because that first sentence threw me. I think the hook would be a little cleaner structured like this:
'Nokkland had two things going for him. One, it wasn't storming...yet. Two, the ice-dragon scale hadn't stopped humming...yet.'
I find this to be a little easier to read. If you like it the way it is, I'd still add a comma after the first 'yet' for clarity. Or try to restructure it yourself. Another issue I noticed is your double and singular quotations. I'm Canadian, and the way I understand the rules is if you're emphasizing something, you use singular ones, like this: 'the colde one' (the hook of your chapter two). However, I believe the UK does it a different way from the US which is different from Canadian. I'd suggest quickly checking out the correct version for your location if you haven't already. With that being said, a lot of the time when we're writing creatively, decisions around things that have pretty loose rules like that fall to us. For example, professional writing rules say you shouldn't start a sentence with 'and' or 'but' but I actually do this quite often to increase drama and excitement. Sometimes, it's okay to bend rules like that in the name of creativity. Personally, I believe the singular quotations are a better choice because they'll never be confused with dialogue, but if you're adamant about keeping your book completely accurate, I'd do some research on it. I took off no points for this because I understand there are a lot of different rules and even something I could be missing here.
Your spelling is perfect. Tried to find errors. Could not.
I was SO happy to see you have dialogue tags figured out, including punctuation- for the most part. I especially love how you switch your dialogue tags from the beginning to the end of the quotations. It really helps your story flow! However, I noticed one large issue with your dialogue, but it's a bit difficult to explain, so bear with me here.
When you have a dialogue tag between two sentences, like this one I've picked (but shorted for clarity) from your chapter two:
"Lyra, dear," she inquired, "It looks like we'll be here for the night."
This is incorrect because you have a capital on the 'I' of the second dialogue. You have two options here: option one: you have to pick a sentence that the dialogue tag belongs to and make that its own sentence. Depending on which sentence you chose, it could look one of two ways:
"Lyra, dear," she inquired. "It looks like we'll be here for the night."
OR
"Lyra, dear." She inquired, "It looks like we'll be here for the night."
Do you see how I've matched the dialogue tag with one or the other? Now, there is a second (or third, I guess?) option, which is that you choose to make the entire thing the same sentence. In this case, you have to make the beginning of the second sentence a lowercase, like this:
"Lyra, dear," she inquired, "it looks like we'll be here for the night."
Since you have advanced dialogue tags, I noticed you made this mistake a lot. Remember to pick one of those three options- any one that works best for the flow of your story. If you have question or exclamation marks in there, treat the capitalization the same way as you would if it were a comma- I think you have that part down.
12/15
Story Flow: (transitions & pacing)
Your story has an excellent flow. There were no repeats in transition words, and your narrative writing brought the story together very nicely. Again, since you switch around your dialogue tags so often, that is a big factor in contributing to the overall flow of your story. Well done!
Your pacing is another thing that's done very well. I never felt as though I was being rushed, and I never felt bored or as though the story was dragging. I notice one VERY small issue that relates more to your characters but still focuses on your pacing. Sometimes, I think you rush your character interactions a little bit. For example, in chapter two, when Nokkland gets ambushed by Lyren, I felt a little like you were trying to push these characters together, and Nokkland seemed really comfortable around her beyond his initial shock. How could you fix this? You could have them exchange a quick sentence earlier in the chapter to help us readers feel like they are already acquainted. Or you could slow down your dialogue after the ambush. I felt a little shocked when Lyren came up with the solution (to tag along) so fast, and Nokkland agreed just as quickly. Yes, treating your interactions like this will take a lot more work and will result in longer chapters. But if you really want to have incredible character and relationship development, try easing us into that a little better.
9/10
Description: (characters & scenes)
Excellent. Descriptions are excellent. Vivid, clear, but not too wordy. I was very impressed. Your characters each have distinct names and it's easy to tell them apart. Nothing to critique here!
10/10
Originality: (plot & tone)
Your plot is coming along very nicely. I've never come across this idea or anything like it before. It's quite exciting to immerse yourself in a world that has been crafted so expertly and carefully. I can tell you've been sneaky with adding in things that will allow readers to have that 'ohhh' feeling later on in the book. Personally, those books are my favourite, but I also know and appreciate how much planning and work that takes, so well done on this aspect!
As for your tone, I was loving the originality of it until you switched perspectives in the third chapter. The problem was I did not see a difference between the two perspectives. Yes, I understand you're in narrative, but you are technically still writing from the perspective of Nokkland or your other characters- especially since you often include personal thoughts of the characters and sarcastic remarks in their thought process. I love that you do this, but it also means you have to be careful of writing your characters as if they all think in the same way. I would have liked to see more of a difference in tone between the perspectives.
Personally, I believe third person is the most advanced, beautiful form of writing in comparison to first person. However, it also tends to be the more difficult style to pull off, since you can't directly say: 'I thought this'.
How do I think you can fix this? Wonder about the way your characters think and act and try to integrate that into your writing. This can be very difficult to do, but it's part of the challenge of writing in narrative.
When I write in different perspectives, I make a rule to never write two different ones on the same day. Go to sleep, have a snack, and come back with a fresh and unique tone. I also try to focus on specific aspects of my characters to write their perspectives. For example, my main character is rather cautious, so I always have the narration explaining his thought process before I have him speak. Another one of my characters is quite daring and spontaneous, so I always have him speak and then after I explain his thought process. Is there any way you could integrate something like that into your story? I think it would make it better- although your tone is admittedly quite good already.
8/10
Final Comments:
I was very impressed and excited by your story. I love your writing style and the plot of your book. If you hadn't noticed, all of my critiques of your book lean towards the advanced side. This means you've done an awesome job of getting the basics down and it's just a matter of polishing up the things I've mentioned. Your story definitely has the potential to do shape up into an incredible story. Since you received over a 50 out of 60, I'll add this story to my reading list. Well done!
Final score:
52/60