He tried to be quiet, he really did, but somehow he couldn't help the sobs that were rolling out of him suddenly. And the more he sobbed, the angrier he became at himself.
"I'm so sorry." he sniveled. "I'm so sorry, Brett, I'm ruining it all. I'm so sorry."
Brett was already next to him, he took his hands in his own and rubbed them softly.
"I'm just glad you're finally showing me." he whispered. His own voice was thick as well. "I've been worrying about you."
His earnest words brought on a whole new round of sobbing.
"I shouldn't make you worry." Eddy managed as he dropped his head into Brett's lap and curled up on the bed spread in fetal position. Brett stroked his back calmly as he cried, his tears forming little pathetic lakes on Brett's black jeans.
It was like all the grief, all the worry, all the angst was pouring out of him all at once, and he was powerless to stop the droplets from streaming down his face. Still Brett held him, and stroked him. Time vanished and left them be as they sat and lay there on this strange bed, a door locked behind them at last, truly alone at last.
"You're not ruining anything." Brett whispered after a while when there was a lull in the sobbing. "Please don't ever think that. You don't only have to be the things you think are good around me. You can also be the things you think are bad. Or weak. You've seen all of those in me as well and you still love me, right?"
Eddy raised his head at once.
"What? Of course!"
His tone was indignant. How could Brett even wonder about that? Of course. There was nothing Brett could ever do that would make him stop loving him.
"Well. I feel the same, okay? I want to be there for you. Please, just let me in."
Eddy had no idea how long they had been there, but he could feel that his eyes were swollen to slits and he knew his eyes and face were red by the time the sobbing finally stopped. He still didn't sit up, but he cleared his throat.
Oh man, was he really going to say this? Was he really going to share all of this crap in his head with Brett? But Brett's soft, earnest words from a moment ago rang around in his brain and he knew he had to.
I want to be there for you.
"Okay, so... I've been struggling." he said at last in that weird hoarse voice. "I guess you know why."
He could feel Brett nodding above him.
"Can you put your head on the pillow? Then I can look at you." he said sweetly.
Eddy shrugged and duly lifted his head off Brett's thigh. Brett got up quickly and walked around the bed, lying down on the other side. Eddy scooted up the bed so his head was on the pillow, just inches away from Brett's face. Brett's hand was already on his back again, so comforting, so loving.
"You've been struggling because of your mum?"
Eddy nodded as he looked into Brett's wide, sweet eyes and suddenly he couldn't hold back and all of the angry, acidic words he had been holding for so long spilled out of him.
"All she cares about it stupid med school. About being able to boast about me to her social circle. She doesn't care about how I am, or what I want."
He could hear how bitter he sounded, but he couldn't help it. "And now you guys are all off to the con, and that leaves me, just..."
His lip started quivering again, because that was the crux of it, wasn't it? Brett nodded quietly.
"I know. And I'm sorry, Eddy. I wish I could be a year younger, and we could wait it out together."
"Thanks. It's okay, though."
"But Eddy." Brett's voice was like liquid silk. "You know it will still be better, right? Because I'll have concerts there and stuff and open lessons and whatever and I'll invite you to everything."
Eddy blinked again, and he was quiet for the longest time, picturing it. Brett was right, of course. Being able to visit the con regularly... it would have to be better than last year at least, right? But there was something else in him still and the words were pressing up at him. He so didn't want to say this, but he was so raw now. How could he not?
"Bretty, do you... do you still love me when I'm being pathetic like this?"
Brett smiled a strange, whistful little smile and he squeezed his shoulder gently.
"Sad is not pathetic, Eddy. You have every reason to be sad. And I love you more today than I ever have before."
The mood changed subtly, then. Brett's closeness was like a magnet, now that his whole being had been stripped back and exposed.
"I want you." he whispered.
He could see Brett's eyes change from soft and worried to fiery.
"Good." he whispered back. "Because I want you too."