Perplexing Simplicities

episode⑲

The calm? The solidity? The confidence?

Gone.

He felt like his skin was melting, like his eyes were falling out of his body and they were too heavy to possibly meet Jin's gaze because he could feel him looking at him and god Namjoon just wanted the wind to take him away. Maybe take him straight to heaven. Or hell. Anywhere really just so he wouldn't have to see what lay on Jin's face, be it anger, disappointment, betrayal-

"I- Why are you like this Kim Namjoon...?"

He practically spat the question, and finally, Namjoon was forced to look up.

Anguish. Pure anguish was carved across Jin's face.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.

How could Namjoon do this?

Jin couldn't take it.

He wasn't strong enough for this.

"I-I'm not... I'm not...." Jin moaned and covered his face with his hands, he really didn't want Namjoon to see him cry.

"You can't do this!" Jin yelled, still unable to drop his hands.

"W-wha...? Jin?!" Namjoon's voice was laced with concern but Jin didn't have time to care.

He had spent too much of his life caring so much. And he was done.

"I am so mad at you Namjoon!"

Jin finally threw his hands down and glared at the man in front of him.

"Do you have any idea?! Do you have any idea how hard I tried to get over you? To push you away and to move on?!

Jin was breathing quickly, pulsing with energy.

"I was so determined to just, MOVE ON because you were an asshole and you were straight and it hurt. And then! And then suddenly... You're not straight. And I thought... 'HUH Jin, maybe, maybe you can be happy afterall.' Maybe you can grow old together and make bread and GET A FUCKING CAT!!"

Jin was practically screaming at this point. His hands were shaking, his face was red, eyes wild with anger and pain and grief and Namjoon could only stand there, mouth open, eyes wide as Jin emptied his soul on that sidewalk like a goddamn sewage drain.

"But! You're still an ASSHOLE aren't you Kim Namjoon?!!! You had to ignore me for fucking WEEKS and all that goddamn time I'm just sitting there, thinking "maybe he changed his mind?" "maybe he hates me?" "maybe I should CHANGE MY NAME AND MOVE TO FUCKING VENEZUELA!!! BUT NO. NO instead he kisses me! YOU FUCKING KISSED ME!!! And all I can think about is that it was a mistake and I hate you for it and all you want is to mess with me and hurt me because you have no clue in hell what you're doing, and all I want is to slap you and punch you and kiss you BECAUSE FOR FUCKS SAKE I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOUR DUMB ASS FOR A YEAR!!!!! And I can't take it anymore..."

His voice dropped to the most quiet, dreadful whisper as the tears could no longer hold themselves in. He hated himself for that. For making Namjoon watch him cry. But he hated more that he let Namjoon be the reason for those tears, and all his pain. He hated it so much.

"Jin..."

"I got an acting job. And I took it, Namjoon. I won't be going back to the stand... please don't look for me."

Jin couldn't really handle the follow-up speech as he was trying desperately not to just fall on his knees in defeat, so, taking a deep breath and wiping his tears aggressively, he looked up at Namjoon one last time before walking away.

"Goodbye... Namjoon."

And for one brilliant second, he was free. And he had walked away.

"Jin!"

Pause

"You can't be done!!!"

Namjoon.

Namjoon's voice carried to him as if on a distant wind and caught his breath in his throat.

"Wha-" Jin bit his lip fiercely and turned to face Namjoon who was running towards him.

He stopped running, however, several feet away, giving Jin space to walk slowly towards him.

"Why do you get to decide what I can and cannot be?!" His voice got shrill and defensive.

Namjoon blinked fiercely, his eyebrows drawn together like magnets. "B-because! BECAUSE I WANT A CAT!"

His eyes grew glassy and as Jin stood there watching his best friend and crush for over a year stand there pathetically small, his lip trembling, he couldn't be strong.

Grabbing fistfuls of his hair in his hands, he whimpered weakly before he closed the distance between them.

He didn't intend it to change anything, he was ready to walk away as if nothing had happened, but as he kissed Namjoon, and held his face, and felt his lips moving with his, it was like every barrier he'd ever built for Namjoon was crumbling. Washed away and dissolved into Namjoon's ocean.

He pulled away, flustered. Namjoon's hands had moved around his waist and while they hung loosely, he could feel them tighten the minute he tried to escape.

"No."

Jin stared at Namjoon for a long time. Namjoon's eyes were calm and solid, and unwavering.

"I have to-"

Namjoon glared fiercely as his eyes glazed over once again.

"I said no." He pursed his lips quietly before tightening his hold on Jin and pulling him close, burying his head on Jin's shoulder.

Jin stiffened having Namjoon's body being pressed against his, but eventually gave in, snuggling quietly into Namjoon's neck as he hugged him back. Despite having just desperately kissed him, Namjoon was still his best friend.

They were quiet for a long time.

Jin trying to calm his breathing and Namjoon trying to inhale Jin (probably).

Finally, Jin broke the silence.

"You're an asshole Kim Namjoon."

Namjoon snorted silently and tightened his hold on Jin.

"And you will deal with it because I won't give up."

Jin's heart ached at those words. Goddamn he hated how easily Namjoon could move him.

He pursed his lips and turned his head slightly so he could whisper into Namjoon's neck, "Please don't."