Yours

January 11th

Dear Sophia,

I love you.

I miss you so much. It’s always really sad going into the weekend knowing I’m not going to see you. It’s even worse this weekend because I’ve not had a bit of you on Friday to carry me through the days without you.

My brain keeps picturing awful things happening to you. I don’t know what to think anymore. I love you. I miss you. I just want to know you’re ok. I just want to be with you.

Everything felt blurry today. Not blurry like when you speed past things. It was just a blur like it didn’t mean anything. The high street didn’t look like anything real at all. Nobody’s face looked real.

I’ve been listening to music since I got in. I could hear lots of music coming out of the shops today in town. It made me feel really frantic and put me on edge. I was all jittery. It was never ending loops of bang bang bang drilling into my head until all my thoughts felt like bang bang bang. That’s why I had to put my own music on when I got in. I want to be in charge of the noise in my head. I want to block out my thoughts with what I want to hear.

I’m listening to the last show Nirvana did. The one where they play acoustic versions of songs. I couldn’t listen to anything with too much banging. I’m listening to it for the second time round now. At the end they do Where Did You Sleep Last Night. It’s not like I’m worried about you sleeping with someone else or something like that but that song really gets to me. It’s just the not knowing that gets me. It puts the whole world off balance.

At the end of the song he starts screaming and that’s exactly how my head feels. It feels like it’s screaming. I’m not even that interested in the words to be honest. By half way through the words are kind of irrelevant to the feeling. The silence after the screaming makes the screaming seem even more sad for some reason.

It’s not even a Nirvana song but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t mean it. If I found a poem that said exactly what I wanted to say and I showed it to you that wouldn’t be any less romantic than me writing it.

I don’t want to think about anything apart from the music. If I think about the rest of the world then I start thinking about you getting in trouble and I start crumbling again.

You have to be careful to not listen to things too much because they can end up becoming meaningless. Hearing the same thing over and over can kind of numb how sad something is. That’s why I don’t listen to this record very often. Tonight it’s exactly what I need though. I shiver when he says shiver. I don’t know anything that’s happening now that will be remembered in twenty years like this.

Me talking about stuff from the nineties is like people in the eighties talking about stuff from the sixties. It should be a completely different time. It doesn’t feel like it though. Today doesn’t feel like anything.

Maybe this is famous because he killed himself. I don’t know. I know a lot of people fall for that when it comes to music and stuff. They like to listen to people who died when they were young because they think it’s cool. I don’t want to die early. Then I’d get less time with you. It wouldn’t just be you I missed it would be every day in the future we were going to have together that I’d miss. That’s why I need you every day. Every day apart is just wasting time. Life isn’t worth it without you.

I love you.

Yours,

Andrew