Yours

October 3rd

I love you.

I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t get out. They’re absolutely useless there.

I didn’t put my watch on this morning. I thought that’d stop me getting too anxious and doing something silly. I knew I’d go a bit crazy waiting around at the job centre if I was watching the minutes go by on my watch. It didn’t help to be honest.

I was there a few minutes before twelve just in case by some miracle they were running a bit early. There were loads of cigarette butts and a couple of cans of special brew on the stairs that go up to the front door. I don’t know if it never gets cleaned or there is just a constant supply of people going in and out who don’t care about themselves or anyone around them.

I went in and saw a man in a suit using the machines by the door and hoped things might go smoothly. Usually you can kind of tell whether things are going to over-run by how the people in there look. I got to the front desk bit and saw a guy in a blue tracksuit yelling at the lady sitting behind the desk. He was screaming at her saying that if his alarm doesn’t go off it’s not his fault if he misses his appointment and he shouldn’t have to wait around all day because of it. The lady told him they couldn’t push back everyone who had turned up on time just to fit him in. She said that wouldn’t be fair. The guy lent over the desk and picked up some of the papers she had in front of her. A man who was sat at one of the desks at the back where the appointments happen ran over and said that if the guy calmed down he would happily see him next. I had a bad feeling at that point. I knew I wasn’t getting out quickly.

I sat down on the chairs they have for people waiting to be seen. They’re actually quite comfy. They’re a weird kind of bright purple with a weird bright green table next to them. They have lots of magazines giving you advice on how to get a job. Things like make sure to be polite and stuff like that that nobody needs to be told.

I missed my Starbucks chair. That’s where I wanted to be. I wanted to sink into it and wait for you. I kept imagining terrible things happening to you and me not being there to help. Even without my watch I could tell I was already running late. I played the walk from the job centre to Starbucks in my head. I tried to imagine doing it. I guessed it couldn’t be more than five minutes. I thought maybe I still had a chance of seeing you. I thought I’d maybe catch you on your way out at least.

I started trying to catch the eyes of anyone who worked there. I was already really fidgety. The man who had got up and come over to the front desk was sat down with an old woman who was wearing glasses. I watched them for a minute. Everything they were doing seemed to be in slow motion. Sometimes I’m pretty certain that if I want something to happen enough I can make it happen just by thinking about it. I stared at the woman’s head and imagined it falling right off. It didn’t fall off. I didn’t really really want it to anyway. I’m not mean. I just thought about it for some reason.

I knew that the man at the desk had at least one other guy to see after this woman because the angry man was now sat on the purple chairs near me. He looked much calmer and stank of smoke. He was watching the desk just like I was. I was hoping my appointment might be with someone else at another desk but I knew it wouldn’t be. Eventually the old woman got up and the angry man sat down. I knew I’d still be waiting for ages even if I was next. When I’m in Tesco I can get in the shortest queue but it still takes the longest time. That’s just my luck.

After ages and ages of worrying about you I finally got called over to the desk I’d been watching. The guy asked to know more about me and if there was anything employers might want to know about me. I told him about my degree. I had already told him this at my last two appointments. I’m pretty sure it was the same guy anyway. Even if it wasn’t it was at the same computer.

He said it was impressive to have a degree. I know that and I didn’t need him telling me that. I don’t know why he said it. It was a waste of both our time. He told me I could do any kind of admin work if that interested me. He said that unfortunately he didn’t see many job listings for historians and then he laughed. I’m not sure why. Then he said he’d ring me directly if anything suitable came up. I know he won’t call. They never call.

After everything he said he kept doing this stupid single finger jabbing at the keyboard typing. I tried to just agree with everything he said to make it go quicker. Yes I can drive. Yes I’ll go into London for work. Yes I’ll do manual labour. Yes I’ll do that. Yes I’ll do that. I kept saying yes but he just had more and more questions and stupid bits of advice for things he said would help. I thought if they really wanted to help me get a job they should just give me his job. I would have got all the typing out the way much quicker and I would have noticed that the person sitting across the desk from me clearly had somewhere else they needed to be.

Every two weeks they make me come in and show them a list of things I’ve done to find work. I wrote lots of things down this morning to try and help things go quicker. I said I’d handed in CVs to some places and that I’d been reading all the local papers to see the job listings. He smiled when I showed him my list of things but it just made him do more and more typing.

Finally the conversation seemed to be ending. I asked him the time and he told me it was ten to one. He signed my papers. I didn’t bother thanking him or anything. I didn’t have anything to thank him for. I walked out and came straight to Starbucks just in case you were still there. I could see quite a long queue that reached the door so I hurried in hoping you might have got held up in there. I checked the queue and then checked all the seats just in case. You’d already gone. At least that means you probably got served quickly. I hope that means that everything was ok.

It makes me so angry thinking about the job centre. It’s so stupid. I’m really sorry. I promise I won’t let anything like that happen again.

I love you.

Yours,

Andrew