Yours

December 8th

Dear Sophia,

I love you.

I feel so lucky knowing we’re going to be together forever. It means there’s always time to improve things. Always time to make up for mistakes.

It’s not like I plan on making mistakes. I don’t ever want to let you down. I just mean sometimes hours or days or weeks after I do something I start thinking I could have done it a bit better. It’ll replay in my head over and over and I start to get really angry at myself for not doing it right first time round. It can just be a tiny thing but it’ll nag away at me constantly. Sometimes it happens so much I have to convince myself I did do or say the thing I think I should have done just to try and quiet my brain a bit.

Sometimes it can just be someone on the street saying something and then later on I’ll think of the perfect funny and clever thing I should’ve said to put them in their place. Sometimes it’s a bit more important though.

I should have told that girl yesterday about how perfect love can be. She was interested in me. She seemed enthusiastic. That’s not hurting anyone but it’s really misguided. I should have told her more about you. I didn’t say enough. I should have explained to her how easily things can work out. Then she wouldn’t feel the need to put herself in embarrassing situations like that. I should have helped her. It’s been in my head all day.

I even dreamed about her last night. It was an exact replay of yesterday. I sat there and she came over to me and just as she smiled at me you came through the door and looked over at us and turned around and walked straight back out. I jumped up and ran after you but I couldn’t see where you’d gone. It was terrible. I thought I’d lost you forever. I woke up and for a while it felt more like a memory than a dream and I couldn’t be sure what had really happened.

I’ve always had pretty powerful dreams. I used to always think I could dream what was going to happen. I’d see the lottery on T.V and be sure I’d dreamed exactly the same numbers the night before. Or someone would say something to me and I’d know I’d heard exactly the same words in exactly the same situation before. It wasn’t just normal deja vu. It was much stronger. It felt real. It meant sometimes I’d mix up what I thought had happened or what I wanted to happen with what had really happened.

I know I can’t really dream the future. That doesn’t make any sense. It’s just sometimes the mind plays tricks on you like that. It’s really silly.

I really miss you.

I love you.

Yours,

Andrew