Yours

October 5th

I love you.

I love you. I know you saw those people today. You were polite and pretended not to notice them but I know you saw them. I know you heard it. I know you saw how wrong it all was.

It’s funny isn’t it. It was just so different to what we’re all about. I don’t know how people end up like that. I don’t know how they can’t see it coming and stop it happening. They didn’t even look right next to each other. Anyone could have told them that.

I was keeping an eye on my watch. I was getting really nervous you weren’t going to come. I don’t know why but I was. Then I got distracted by all the noise. I wasn’t even taking in the words. I could tell by the sound of it that it was people arguing.

Everyone could hear them. They sounded like they were trying really hard not to let people around them hear that they were angry. It made it even more obvious though. I’m not surprised they didn’t want people to hear them. It was awful. It made me feel sick. I was embarrassed just to hear it. I was embarrassed for them to have to live like that. I was embarrassed for everyone around them who had to hear it.

You could hear them making rude comments to each other over and over. I heard her ask him why he always does that and if that’s what he wants. She told him to be straight with her. It all sounded crazy to me.

There was no love in the way they talked to each other. I looked in her eyes and she didn’t look like she was in love at all. I think that’s what confused me most. When I look in your eyes I can see sunshine and when I looked in her eyes they just looked dark and cold. When you came in it just made it even more obvious.

What I don’t get is they must have known that that’s how it would be. They must have known from the second they met. Just like how when we met we knew we’d be together. When they met they must have known it wasn’t right.

I used to think it was stupid of my parents to have forced themselves together. It meant they forced me into a situation where nobody was happy.

I don’t have too many memories of my dad from when I was little. He always worked late. He worked later than my bedtime and left for work earlier than I got up. Sometimes in the middle of the night if I couldn’t sleep I’d hear a bang downstairs or the same kind of whisper shouting that that couple were doing today. That was the worst. The second you try to make people not be able to hear you it just makes everyone listen even more.

Sometimes my Dad would just never come home. Apparently some nights it was easier for him to not have to come all the way back from London. Mum said he’d get no sleep before his early meetings if he came home.

It didn’t really make a difference to me. I didn’t even always know whether he’d been home or not. Sometimes there’d be a plate or mug or something out in the kitchen that hadn’t been cleaned up when I went down for breakfast. That was about it.

He never came to my parent’s evenings at school or anything like that. He was always busy or away. I won’t be like that. I promise. I’ll make sure I go to every event our kids have. I’ll be really proud of them and I’ll make sure they know it. Family is more important than anything else. I would never not come home to you. I wouldn’t worry you like that. I wouldn’t be able to leave you all on your own all night. I’ll be the exact opposite of him. Things will be perfect with us.

When I was in year seven my mum told me that my Dad had moved out and wasn’t coming back. She was really quick about telling me. She said it like I wasn’t meant to react to it. It was like she was telling me what’s for dinner. She just kept saying she loved me more than anything. She’d always say that whenever she thought she was upsetting me. I didn’t like it. It made it sound like a contest.

My mum was really tense after that. All the time. It was like she was holding something inside her. Whenever I tried to ask her about it she’d get angry. I hadn’t seen my dad for a week or two before he moved out anyway. It wasn’t like there was one day when suddenly everything was different. It wasn’t until my next birthday that I really felt it. His name wasn’t on my birthday card from my mum and there were no presents with his name on. That’s how I learned exactly how a Dad should not be.

It all means I’ll be a great Dad. I’ll always be there for the kids. I’ll always be there for you too. No matter what happens I’ll always be there. I don’t have to worry about things getting awful and difficult like that couple in Starbucks because we’re actually meant to be together. We won’t ever be like them. We’ll get everything right.

I love you.

Yours,

Andrew