Yours

October 22nd

Dear Sophia,

I love you.

I don’t know if the schools weren’t in today but there seemed to be lots of kids around. There were a bunch of teenagers who looked like they were on dates. It was funny to compare our warmth to their cold awkward conversations.

I don’t know why they go for coffee anyway. When I was a teenager I didn’t see people drinking coffee. It’s not like they have anything to talk about either. They aren’t ready for a relationship like ours so I don’t know why they bother trying. Anything else is just wasting time no matter how old you are.

I never went on a date to a coffee place. Or a date anywhere. I didn’t really understand how they worked and definitely had no interest in girls my age when I was a teenager. I kind of almost went on a date once but I didn’t really know that’s what it was. Date was just a word I’d heard on T.V. I figure I should tell you about it anyway so we have a clean slate and there aren’t any secrets. We should tell each other everything.

I was thirteen or fourteen I think. There was a girl who used to walk home the same way as me. I don’t think she’d been at school very long so she didn’t know most people didn’t want to talk to me. Every now and then when I was walking home she’d deliberately catch up with me and try to talk to me. I never liked talking to people too much. Even then. I definitely wasn’t used to talking to girls. One day she told me we should go out to eat together at this place where lots of people from school used to go out to eat together. Nobody used the word date but I guess that’s what people went there for.

I told my mum what the girl said and she was really excited and told me I should do it. I hated the idea. I was really worried about it. I didn’t even want to talk to the girl once.

I never had the nerve to go up to her and tell her I didn’t want to go through with it. She thought I’d agreed when really all I’d done was listened to her suggest it. I think her name was Helen. That sounds right.

It was a Friday and my mum had dressed me up in a shirt and trousers she’d bought me especially to wear to her mum’s funeral. I wore my school shoes too. My mum said it wasn’t right to wear trainers. It was like the idea was to make me feel as uncomfortable as possible.

My mum dropped me off at the place and Helen wasn’t there yet. I can’t remember what it was called then but it was where that bar with the Spanish name is now. My mum waited on the other side of the road until she saw Helen come up and say hello and then she drove off. I don’t know why I didn’t just walk there on my own. Maybe my mum didn’t let me. Helen gave me a big hug and told me I looked smart.

It was really odd. It was like something straight off of T.V. Helen asked for a table for two and I started to realise I was the man and I was meant to do things like that. I took my coat off and put it on the back of my chair and it fell on the floor. I picked it up and felt really embarrassed. I knew I looked like I had no idea what I was meant to do. I didn’t know what I was meant to do. Helen was busy looking at the menu though so I don’t think she noticed. I couldn’t work out where the grown up place to put my jacket was so I decided to sit on it so it wouldn’t fall off the chair again.

The waiter came over and asked us what we wanted to drink. I said a coke. I remember that because Helen asked for some wine. I thought maybe I looked childish for not ordering wine too. It’s one of those things where I didn’t really know what the law was. You hear things like it’s ok to drink alcohol with food in some places at a certain age but I guess really it just comes down to confidence. Kids at school were already starting to drink lots so maybe Helen thought it was normal. I didn’t. I didn’t try to change my order. I didn’t want to drink wine anyway.

He brought our drinks back really quickly and we hadn’t really talked yet. Helen ordered her food and when the waiter looked at me I just pointed at what I wanted on the menu. Helen started asking me things and I didn’t know what answers I was supposed to give. It didn’t feel natural at all. That’s a big difference with us. Everything is so smooth and I can tell you anything. I didn’t know what to say to Helen though. I didn’t do anything with my time that I wanted to tell her about.

At one point she went to the toilet and I felt like everyone in the room was looking at me. I don’t know what you’re meant to do when you’re on your own in a restaurant. I must’ve fidgeted more in those five minutes than I have in my entire life. I fiddled with the cutlery and sipped my drink and checked nothing had fallen out of my coat pockets and looked all around trying to look like I knew what to do with myself.

Helen came back and asked what we were talking about before she left. I realised I had no idea what the last thing she said was. I decided to try and focus on what she was saying but I couldn’t. I was just focussing on looking like I was listening. I nodded while she talked and tried to laugh a bit when she looked like she wanted me to laugh.

We finished eating. She asked for the bill. I didn’t even think to. When it came she already had her purse out. I guess I was meant to tell her to put it away. I hadn’t said anything without being asked first all night and I wasn’t really ready to start then. If I haven’t talked for a long time I find it quite hard to start talking. We split the bill and I counted out some change from my wallet to leave as a tip. I wondered if she was paying attention to how much I left. I figured girls probably thought they could tell a lot about you by how much you tipped.

We left together and she said goodbye to me outside. She gave me a hug which kind of trapped my arms at my side. Then she left. She started walking and I waited a bit because we lived in the same direction. I couldn’t face talking to her anymore. She’d already said goodbye anyway so it would have been weird walking together after that.

She didn’t really walk home with me after that. I didn’t mind. I always tried to make sure I was on my own when I left school anyway. All I’d learned from it was that dates were as stupid as I expected and I was as bad at them as I expected. That’s why I pitied all those young couples in Starbucks today. They didn’t know what they were letting themselves in for.

I feel like I should ease your mind a bit. I don’t even know Helen anymore so there’s nothing for you to feel awkward about. It just shows even more how perfect we are. That’s why I wanted to tell you. I don’t want to keep anything from you. I love you more than anything.

I love you.

Yours,

Andrew