Yours

November 12th

Dear Sophia,

I love you. I couldn’t sleep at all last night and I don’t think I’ll be able to tonight either. I really miss you at night. My bed feels really big and empty and every time I move to try and get comfortable the sheet feels really cold and it just reminds me I’m on my own.

It’s when you come into Starbucks and we’re together that I feel alive again. I don’t feel lonely anymore. I get this big jolt of adrenaline and suddenly everything feels warm and makes sense. The only problem with it is if we’re only together for a little bit I get that big surge of energy and then you’re gone. It feels like I’ve been cheated a bit. It’s like someone pumps me up and then lets all the air out. When I feel like that my brain won’t be quiet. It starts talking and talking and talking which means I can’t concentrate on anything outside of my head. There’s just this constant chattering going on and it makes it impossible for me to try and relax. It means by the time I get to bed I’m completely exhausted and tired of the sounds in my head and I just want to be with you and feel better again. My body starts to feel really tired which makes me feel rubbish which makes my brain go even more which keeps me awake longer which makes my body feel more tired which makes me feel even more rubbish and even more aware I’m awake and alone and it just goes on and on and on and on. It makes it hard to think clearly.

If I can’t sleep I always think maybe I should get up and do something. That just makes it worse though. It wakes my brain up even more. Staying lying down is just as bad because I have nothing to focus on except the noise in my head.

I can’t wait until we can spend every night together. We’ll never feel lonely again. Sometimes I think about you alone at night and worry about you. Especially if it’s rainy or really cold like it’s been this week. I wish I was always with you to look after you.

It makes me so relieved when I see you on days like today when you look so fresh faced and healthy. I sometimes worry how I must look after an hour of sitting slumped in a chair in Starbucks.

If I haven’t seen you for a couple of days I do worry a bit more than I know I should. I know you can look after yourself but that doesn’t mean something bad won’t ever happen to you. I’d feel so guilty if something did happen and I wasn’t there.

The second I see you I feel my body relax. Sometimes seeing you is like being in the sun. It makes my whole body feel warm and alive. It’s like I get my energy from you. Maybe that’s why I feel so weak and feeble when we’re not together.

I hope you don’t think I’m moaning. I don’t mean to be. I’m just lucky to have you at all. I know it’s not long we’re apart for at the moment. I know it won’t be like this for too much longer. It’s just everything feels so right when we’re together that everything feels really rubbish by comparison. You manage to cope with it though and I know it’s difficult for you too so I’ll try and be strong. I want you to think of me as a strong person.

I love you.

Yours,

Andrew