Disdain, Agony, Hope, and Love #Wattys2020

Chapter 50

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Darcy peered out the carriage window, wondering if he could see his friend. His wish was immediately granted - he saw Bingley tearing across the fields as fast as his horse could take him in the direction of Longbourn.

I do think it's rather early for visiting - oh, never mind, thought Darcy. Bingley deserved happiness quickly after all he had been through.

Though I would not be surprised if he arrives before the ladies have even dressed.

He smiled a little at the thought, then shook his head ruefully at himself when he realised he was imagining what Elizabeth looked like early in the morning.

Fantasies are all I will ever have of that.

The road to London was not particularly long and the carriage was travelling smoothly - so smoothly, that it soon sent its occupant into troubled slumber.

It was late evening when he finally arrived at his London townhouse. The servants greeted him with surprise, for he had sent no notice of his coming. They did not disturb him, for which he was grateful. He was in no mood for anything more complicated than bed.

Darcy had a quiet meal by himself. The house was eerily quiet, save for the subdued activity of the servants. He found himself longing for company - Georgiana, Bingley, Colonel Fitzwilliam, Elizabeth . . .

Especially Elizabeth.

The revelation that Elizabeth held a great affection for his cousin had hurt him more than he cared to admit. He had hoped that, despite everything, that Elizabeth had come to love him.

The idea that she would be in love with another had never entered his mind. And for it to be his cousin, of all people! His good-natured, amusing, gentlemanly cousin.

Sorrow, depression and jealousy in equal parts filled him.

I wonder if he knows, thought Darcy. If Fitzwilliam knows how lucky he is, that he has Elizabeth's heart.

After all he had suffered, all the soul-searching and self-doubt and change he had undergone - for no other reason than to have Elizabeth's good opinion - this was reward?

No. Don't think in terms of rewards and gains. She has made you a better person - is that not enough?

Yes. No - no.

Darcy wished he could talk to someone, someone whom he could trust and was sensible enough to help steer him through his problems. But Georgiana was at Pemberley, Bingley was probably even now proposing to Jane, Colonel Fitzwilliam - he did not know if he could see his cousin without forcing himself not to do something harmful to him.

I still love her. I always will, even if she does not return my love.

He glanced around the house, before ascending the stairs to his chambers. Beautifully appointed, luxurious - yet empty and cold.

He was very lonely.