heart shaped glasses

tellement amusant || so much fun

A daily mirror account by a depressed girl that constantly cries. 14/6/19

This is the first time I have done this. But I do journal a lot, so let's see how this goes. Basically, all this is, is a daily recount.

Today was a Friday.
Friday is usually amazing. But, today was the Friday of hell week (exam week). Supposed to be a fun time. Not.
The first time I cried today was in the morning, before school. I had just finished packing me lunch, and because I'm a little bitch, I was on the verge of crying. To help me, I started singing breathin' by Ariana Grande. And of course, because my brother hates me, he had to yell at me. And of course, because I am a little bitch, I started balling my eyes out. The first 20 minutes before I was supposed to go to school was spent crying my eyes out.
And even after that I was not okay. I had to tell myself to keep breathing, I seem to me doing that a lot now days.

School.
Before school I sat with my friends. Two of them have boyfriends. Fun.
So as I was about to start crying, one of the boyfriends were staring at me. Asking me what's wrong. I'm convinced that none of my friends care, because none of them tried to make me feel better. I'm just being dramatic.

The humanities exam.
I was useless when it came to this. I tried and studied but it didn't last very long. I almost started crying as I entered. My class was being difficult (as always), that gifted us with a ten minute lecture on how exams go. Amazing.
My teacher tells us we can start perusal. I flip past one page, and another, and another. After I read all the questions twice, I pick up my pen and wait to start. There was no clock in that room, but I refuse to belie that I sat there for ten minutes. That fucking perusal, that was the longest ten minutes of my life.
After the long wait, I start my exam with excitement.
I attempt to power through all the questions.
My brain powered through. My stomach didn't feel the same. Not twenty minutes into the exam, my stomach started flipping. Not because I was hungry, tried eating after the exam and it didn't work. I think I was anxious. But I guess I'll never know.

During the school day, I had maths, science and English. All of which I passed with cautious ease.
School is school.
The afternoon was painless. I journaled and watched tv.

Dinner was nice I guess. We had chicken fillet and salad.
Just another night in our lovely household.
While I was drying the dishes, I started crying.
Just another night in our lovely household.
I muffled my cries as I pick up a pot.
Just another night in our lovely household.
I was only crying over a song and a couple exams, I guess I'm just so dramatic. I'm used to being called dramatic. Little do they know: it's all an act to hide the fact that inside, I'm sad and dark.
But whatever.
Even though I grew up in a household of eight, I've always felt alone. I was always by myself and its never been any different.

I cried again a short shower.
My father told me that I was insignificant and not worthy. At least this time he didn't hit me.
Don't you just love my father?
And everyone asks me "why do you hate your dad?"
It takes all of my might not to say,
"Well, would you hate your abuser?"
But it's whatever, I'd rather die than be in this house.

I cried myself to sleep that night.
It had been the first time in months. I mean, it's better than being numb.
I loved this amazing Friday, I'm sure you loved hearing about it!