heart shaped glasses

baise l'école || fuck school

The night I tried to commit suicide// 22-9-19

That afternoon.
I was walking through the primary school, I had just finished playing UNO with a couple schoolmates. I was still on a high, what can I say? Soon enough I see my mother. I ask her if we had gotten our report cards, she says she has. She looked away while saying it. I should have taken it as a sign.

That evening.
Nothing happened until after dinner. After dinner, father came home. I bothered him about my report cards so, he caved. Walking back into the kitchen where I was doing the dishes, he mutters
"Very disappointing"
I was extremely confused. That was the term in which I poured my heart out into every single subject. I didn't understand what was so disappointing. My father (being the amazing person that he is) breaks the horrible news to me. I got a D in Japanese. Love that for me.
I speed to the bathroom where I release one entire term of wallows. I try to sadly howl the tears out of my eyes. It didn't work.
I've learnt that now.

That night.
After my tears were sticky glue running down my face. I jump into the shower to wash away the melancholy salt of me face.
I scramble to the wet floor, my knees weak. In that moment (and this is the easiest way I can describe it) I felt like dying. But I craved more than death.
I craved ease.
Almost ironically, I remembered a line from Nayo Jones' 'healing', and this inspired me.
I followed her instructions exactly as she said, I grabbed my peach coloured towel. In less than a second it was wet. I wrap it around my throat. I pull and I pull and I pull and then I stop.
I'm convinced that I've done it.
But, as you can see, I didn't.