heart shaped glasses

mon esprit || my mind

Where my mind goes when it goes

There are some places I don't let my mind go, when it goes.

I recall I want trapped in sixth grade.
The boy I lusted after for the whole year was simply walking to class.
And, in that moment, all I wanted to do was grab him by the collar and kiss him.
But that was neither the time nor the place.
And I haven't even had my first kiss yet.

Or an imagination made on the bus to year seven academic awards night.
There were no seats left so a placed a seat next to a girl in my volleyball class.
I put Frank Sinatra on blast and wonder.
Our thighs slightly touching, I ponder a dangerous thought,
What if we were together?
That 20 minute bus ride was extremely odd.

How about the night I threw away every single chance of saving myself?
All I had to do was ignore her Instagram story.
How simple is that?
And yet I gave in.
Thinking,
What's the worst that can happen?

And I don't let myself walk on pathways in the day though
Especially in out little suburb
Because I don't want to think of her
I don't want to torture myself with how much I hurt her
I lie when I say I don't miss the sun.

I honestly love my mind,
But there are some dark places even I won't let it go.