Only You (Greyson #1)

I Promise. I Swear

Chapter 42

Tristan

I fell to my knees unable to compose myself as I crawled over to Claire.

She sat on the edge of the bathroom holding my gun directly pointed at me,"I though you had...I though... "

"It's funny how you think you know someone", Claire said flippantly she most certainly wasn't dead even though she had murder written all over her face. "You pushed me in front of a train".

I crawled to almost afraid to touch her," I'm sorry. I'm sorry I ever try to be a part of your life. I'm sorry I lost my mind for a second. I love you, Claire", I rested my head in her lap waiting for whatever punishment she saw fit. If killing me is the only way she could be happy then I guess it's my time to go. If he wanted me to walk away from her it would be hard but I would let her go. My brain felt as if it was short-circuiting as my body started to tremble and tears poured out of my eyes. I was going to lose everything on an impulse. I was going to lose Claire. And I had no one to blame but myself.

"I looked past your hobby but now I can't trust you to have genuine feelings about me. I can't even tell if you like me", she said critically pushing me away. "Fool me once shame on me fool me twice, I'll wind up dead".

"I know what I've done is unforgivable", I panicked looking up to her.

"You're damn right!" She exploded standing up.

"How do I make this right?"

"You suffer. Just like you made me", she spat.

Not since my childhood have I felt this vulnerable and loss. I didn't even know how to make me suffer. Unless..."You can pull the trigger or I can".

"What?"

"If I pull the trigger it'll be considered suicide. After the deed is done you'll have to stage the scene. I should have a suicide letter and a bag of pills in the same place you found the gun. Since we aren't legally married you should just take the cash in the safe and then call 911. Since we're in Houston my office with most likely be taking care of the case. Have them get a cleaner to take care of the scene. Even though you don't like the apartment it's paid for until the end of the year you could stay here at least until the end of the summer. If you pull the trigger the angle will show in the biopsy that I couldn't have inflicted this onto myself. But if you are dead set on doing so---"

"What is wrong with you?" Claire whispered. I didn't have the strength to look up into her eyes but I could tell from her tone and body language I wasn't winning any points with her.

"I don't know what to do to rectify the situation", I confessed.

"So you jumped to suicide?"

"What do you want Claire? How do I fix this? What can I do? Because any life where you're not a part of it isn't worth living", I said baring my soul.

"Why did you do it?" She asked setting the gun down on the sink. "You at least owe me an answer".

"A loss of control. Foolish impulse. But, mostly fear that I was going to lose you. I paused before continuing staring at the tiled floor," Claire, I have never connected with anyone with the way I've connected with you, not my mother, father, grandfather even my twin sister. In my entire life you are the only one who has ever seen me. And maybe I've been lying to myself all these years by saying I prefer to be alone. But now that I've experienced true companionship actually formed a connection. I can't imagine life without it again. And in a moment of weakness, stupidity and impulsivity I made a terrible decision", I said.

Claire knelt down to my eye level,"Did you do it because you're mad at me---" I tried to cut her off to reassure her it wasn't her. But Claire held up her hand silencing me,"I didn't tell you to kill your grandfather. You made that decision".

"I think I regret it. I don't know if he was like me but I do know before there was you I had him. And it was not an easy decision choosing between you two. But I will always choose you", I acknowledged.

"Promise me. And I mean promise me you won't ever do something to hurt me again. And maybe, maybe we can be acquaintances work up to a friendship and then maybe a relationship. But you're going to have to earn it", She said standing up.

"I promise. I swear, Claire", she could ask for anything in this moment and I would give it to her. She wanted my word I would inscribe it on my heart. Not a single hair on Claire's head would be misplaced by my hand.

"I swear to God Tristan if you make me regret this---"

"You won't", whatever Claire was willing to give me right now I would take. She wasn't looking to give her forgiveness and I didn't deserve it yet. But as long as there was hope for us to go back to the way we were I would take it.

And I didn't mind spending the rest of my life proving to Claire I was worth redemption.