From Infinite to Kamikaze: A Novel

APRIL 2001 - LEX (Part 1)

I did my best not to doze off in the salon chair as Vera styled it with a variety of hair tools and good-smelling concoctions. The iced latte from Starbucks I'd picked up was doing absolutely nothing to help my exhaustion. It had already been a month since I'd finished my tour but the jetlag combined with the overtime I was putting in at the studio to finish remastering my album before it's release date was making me feel way older than 22. 

In the chair next to me, Cassie was on the phone, as usual, as her hair also got styled. She was always on the phone these days. Either with someone at the label or at the various studios I was recording at or with an artist I was collaborating with's manager... She'd been working so hard; I knew she deserved the raise I was planning on getting her after my album's, hopefully, successful release. 

I tried to stay awake by re-reading and memorizing my maid of honor's speech. The one I would be reading in front of 150 guests in approximately 5 hours. You'd think performing in front of thousands of people in dozens of cities over the last couple of months would have cured me of my stage fright but no....that was not the case.

"Can't wait to hear that tonight," a sing-songy voice crooned in my ear. I quickly folded up the paper so my mom couldn't see it.

"Stop trying to sneak a peek!" I laughed, hiding the speech under my smock.

"Don't worry! I didn't see anything," my mom grinned. She looked so happy. I couldn't help but smile for her. She danced around me in the plush white bathrobe the salon & spa had given her for her massage. I figured it was a great pre-wedding gift, to help her unwind and relax before her big night.

"Look at this water Lex," she said, holding up a crystal clear glass of even clearer water. "It's infused with cucumber and mint! I need to do this at home," she said, sipping the clearly refreshing water.

"We're ready for you Miss Fuentes," the masseuse called, addressing my mom by her maiden name.

"Enjoy it Iz!" Cassie shouted, having just finished her phone conversation. My mom waved as she disappeared into one of the back rooms.

"She is so freakin' cute," Cass declared. "I'm so happy for her."

"Me too," I agreed quietly. "I only hope this marriage turns out way better than her last one."

"Why you gotta go bein' negative? Mark's a great guy!" Cassie reassured.

"I know he is," I said in defeat. "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer but...I mean, I can't help being realistic. Do you know the divorce rate right now is the highest it's ever been....like, ever?! And it's even worse for second marriages."

"Okay...can we maybe not talk about divorce rates on the morning of your mom's wedding?" Cassie whispered as she leaned towards me.

"You're right...I'm sorry," I apologized again. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as Vera continued loosely rolling my hair into curlers.

"Damn girl...I hope your speech is a little more upbeat than that whole conversation just was," Cassie said in her normal voice. She leaned back in her chair but kept her eyes fixed on me. "You okay?"

"I'm fine," I replied with my eyes still closed.

"You sure? Where's all this doubt coming from? I thought you liked Mark."

"I do! I do...I just...I don't know. Forget what I said. I'm sure they're gonna be just fine. Better, even. It's just my own dumb hang-ups."

I opened my eyes and looked over at Cassie who had a concerned look on her face.

"Lex...Mark's not your dad. He's not gonna hurt her like that. I couldn't see him doing that to her in a million years," she said softly.

"Yeah, well...people disappoint each other all the time; even the ones you'd least expect it from," I said in a daze.

"Is this about Marshall?" Cass said unexpectedly.

"What?!" I asked loudly, almost giving myself whiplash from turning my neck so quickly. "No! Why would I be talking about Marshall?"

"Gee...I don't know. Let's see..." she said, holding up her fingers to count. "One, you thought you were gonna spend the rest of your life with him til he let you down worse than your own father did; two, he's in the middle of his own divorce cuz his dumb butt went and married the completely wrong woman; and three, he's gonna be there tonight and you two have some majorly unfinished business. I'd say that's all the inspiration you needed for that little outburst you just had, on what should be a happy day for both you and your mom."

I scoffed but was at a loss for words. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was subconsciously casting my doubts about relationships as a whole onto my mom and her rapidly approaching marriage. And that was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted her to be happy. Period. And if marrying Mark was going to make her happy, then I needed to get over my own reservations and just be there to support her.

"Fuck, I'm such an ass," I sighed as I shook my head. "Thanks for keepin' it real Cass."

"Anytime girl. You know I love you and your overanalytical ass. Now...let's talk about something way more serious..." She pulled two bottles of red nail polish out of her smock. "Russian roulette or plumberry?"