From Infinite to Kamikaze: A Novel

NOVEMBER 1997 - KIM (Part 2)

Back at my mom's, Dawn and I put the girls to bed and broke out the beers and coke. Her dealer had hooked us up this time, probably cuz she had slept with him or had performed various sexual acts on him. I hated that she degraded herself for drugs, but I also really appreciated that we had some at that moment.

"You haven't said two words to me since we left that bitch's house. You mad at me boo?" she asked, splitting the blow up into lines. "No," I said, popping the caps off of our beers and handing her one.

"You really think they're fuckin'?" I asked as I sat across from her on the dingy brown couch my mom had gotten from a yard sale when I was probably 10 years old. As pissed as I was, I hated the thought of Marshall with another girl. 

Dawn raised her eyebrows at me. "C'mon Kimmy. You're my sis and I love you and you're way cuter than me. But that girl is every guy's dream. I'm just sayin'," she replied, rolling up a dollar bill and offering it to me. "Take the first hit, you deserve it," she offered.

I sniffed the white powder quickly into my nostrils and embraced the burning sensation I immediately felt in my sinuses. I licked my finger to get the residue to stick to it and ran it over my gums. "Think he loves her?" I said out loud, not really wanting Dawn to answer. She shrugged. "I don't know. Is he even capable of loving anyone besides Hailie? He's a selfish motherfucker. Always has been. Now he's a liar too. Fuck him. You could get so much better." She took a hit and swigged her beer. "I told you shit was funny at his birthday last month. I couldn't put my finger on it and didn't wanna say nothin' right away cuz they be doin' a good job of hidin' it, but I knew shit was funny. The way they look at each other sometimes...." She shook her head.

I flipped the TV on to get my mind off shit but nothing was on that could grasp my attention. I could feel the coke starting to work and took another line to boost it. Just then, there was a knock at the door. Dawn and I looked at each other. We weren't expecting anybody. There was only one person it could be. 

My heart was racing as I got up quickly to open the door before Dawn could beat me to it. Marshall stood there, hands shoved in the pockets of his big black coat. He had turned his Lions cap forward and had his black hoodie over it. It had gotten a lot colder out now that it was dark. His breath made clouds of smoke in the air as he talked. "Ay, can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked in that accent that always turned me on.

I looked behind my shoulder at Dawn before grabbing my coat off the back of a chair. "I'll be right back," I said to her. I joined him outside. I knew if I brought him inside, Dawn would take over the conversation and probably start another fight, and I didn't wanna risk waking Hailie up. 

"What the fuck could you possibly have to say Marshall?" I swallowed hard. I could feel the back of my throat getting numb as the post-nasal drip effect started to kick in.

"Look, I don't even know what you're so mad about. Okay? You said you was done wit me. You said you had enough. And you walked out. With our daughter. A'ight? Yes, I been stayin' at Lex's house. No, we ain't fuckin. She ain't never there anyway, she lives on campus. But even if she was, it ain't like that with me and her. Okay? I ain't never there neither. I been busy putting shit together for this new album. That's all I've been doin', is workin'. Tryna get this paper for our little girl. Y'naw what I mean? That's what I've been about for years." I could tell he was getting heated cuz he was using a lot of hand gestures. He always used a lot of hand gestures when he talked. And he was changing the subject. 

"Don't make this about work, Marshall! It's not about work. If nothin's goin' on with you two, then why did you lie to me about where you were staying?!" I demanded. There was no way in hell I could believe his blatant lie about it not being like that between them. 

"Because you be actin' crazy! I needed a place to stay! But I knew you'd do some stupid shit, like come up there and make a scene or gang up on her wit your alkie sister or keep Hailie away from me. Oh wait," he stopped and put his hand up to his chin like he was thinking hard about something. "You already did that shit! You been keepin' her from me for weeks! That's some fucked up shit Kim. That's my daughter, just as much as she is yours, a'ight? I got every right to see her whenever I want to. But you be makin' me jump through hoops like I'm some fuckin' dog. That shit's gonna stop!"

He had changed the subject again. He kept avoiding talking about Lex. It was obvious he had feelings for her. But I wanted him to admit it. I walked up to him and looked him straight in the eye. "Like hell it is. You go anywhere near Hailie and I swear to fucking God I will get a fucking restraining order on your ass!" I threatened as I shoved him backwards. 

I saw the realization in his eyes that I wasn't kidding around. "I swear to God Kim," he said, breaking eye contact as he rubbed his face and rolled his neck like he was agitated. "You wanna do this shit the hard way? That's fine, we can do it the hard way. I'll do whatever the fuck I gotta do, make no mistake about that," he said, pointing a finger in my face. I swatted it away hard. 

"Don't you dare fucking threaten me! You ain't gonna do shit. Moms always get custody of their kids. And you ain't got shit to offer her anyway! No place to stay, no money, no steady job," I counted off on my fingers. "Hmm...sounds like someone else I know." I, of course, was hinting at his mom. He hated when I talked shit about his mom, but yet it was fine when he did it.

"The fuck are you talking about?! I just got signed to a major fucking record label. I got an album coming out next month and I'ma be workin' on two other albums with Dr. Dre soon after that!" he yelled back in my face.

"Oh yea, I've heard that shit before. 'Oh, I'm signed to a label now. I'm puttin' out an album. Oh, this is my chance Kim. Shit's gonna be different this time, Kim,'" I mocked. "Bull-fucking-shit. I've heard all this before! You ain't gonna be shit Marshall. This albums' gonna flop just like the last one. A total waste of time and money. But keep doin' that. Cuz the more you fuck up, the better I look as a parent to any judge," I declared confidently.

He looked at me with such hatred in his eyes. His fists were balled up and I wondered for a moment if he would actually ever hit me. Even the times I had slipped up and hit him in the past, usually cuz I was shit-faced drunk, he'd held back. But now I was taking away the most important thing in the world to him. I didn't care though. I wanted to hurt him.

I turned around to head back inside. "This ain't over Kim," he called. I flipped him off as I slammed the door behind me.