From Infinite to Kamikaze: A Novel

APRIL 1995 - LEX (Part 5)

I went to bed that night in tears. I tried so hard not to let them come. I mean, I had literally just met this guy. How could I be this sad? Because he's perfect, I let myself confess. We had so much in common, especially when it came to music. And talking to him, while I had butterflies the entire time, it felt so....natural. There were no awkward pauses, until things turned physical. And even in those pauses, things were being said. With his eyes, and his hands, and his dick which I definitely noticed bulging through his pants and made my panties wet. All his talent and swag and genuine kindness, not to mention all the things we had in common, made him the sexiest guy I had ever met. 

I hugged my pillow tighter, wishing it was him. 22?? He looked so young for his age. But it didn't really matter to me. Age is just a number. It doesn't really tell you anything about a person. I had felt a really close connection to him, one that I hadn't felt with anyone ever. Not even Cassie. Not even my mom. I didn't want to lose that....I finally drifted off to sleep, praying that he would still talk to me after this.

I drove my mom's car early on Saturday morning after an early dance class to help get shit off my mind. I decided to run some errands for her while she slept after her shift. I hadn't seen or talked to Marshall since Tuesday night and it was killing me. I didn't have his number to call him and I didn't have the guts to go all the way out to his job. I knew he'd be battling tonight but wasn't sure if I should go, although Cassie had already been talking about going for the last couple of days. When she found out what happened, her advice was to talk to him after he rapped tonight. I just wasn't sure...

Mobb Deep's Shook Ones blasted on the stereo and even though it was cool outside, I had the windows down for fresh air. With my backwards cap, down jacket, and sunglasses, I felt dangerous. Which was a nice change from what I had been feeling for the past few days. Rejected, humiliated, even heartbroken. Was it crazy to be heartbroken after one date? If you could even call it a date. Maybe it was crazy, but I couldn't shake the feelings that were infiltrating my head, my heart, and my stomach. I actually missed him. His eyes, his voice, the way his hands felt on my body. Warm and firm. And his entire mouth. His lips...so soft and lush; his tongue knew exactly what to do with mine. But mostly, I just missed talking to him. It was the most amazing night of my life.....up until the end.

At the grocery store, I absent-mindedly threw items into my shopping cart according to the list my mom had made out for me. Never in my life had someone affected me like this. I felt so...out of it. Like I was walking around in a fog. I hated myself for getting so caught up in someone I barely knew, but couldn't stop myself from doing it. My heart felt so heavy and my stomach felt so sick. Why couldn't I just get him out of my head and move on?? I shook my head as these thoughts ran through it and didn't see my cousin until he purposely crashed his cart into mine.

"You a'ight Lex?" he laughed.

"Oh shit. Trey...sorry...I didn't see you. What's up?" I asked, giving him a hug.

"Ain't shit. Just gettin' some snacks for the show. You comin'?" he asked, pointing to his cart full of chips and sodas.

"Um...I have to work til 5 so probably not."

"Oh that blows. It's gon' be fire. That white boy's gonna go up against the same niggas that smoked his ass the first time he battled up there. I gotta feelin' they gonna be cryin' for they mama when it's all said and done," he joked.

"Yea, he's really good," I said quietly. "Hey Trey, what else do you know about him?"

"What you mean?" he asked, studying a jar of salsa.

"Like, do you know anything about him besides that he's an insane lyricist?" I pressed him for information.

"Naw, not really. I mean, he cool with Proof but I haven't really chilled with him like that. I know he live with his mama but he not really tryna let that get around, you know? That's the type-a shit niggas use against you in battles," he explained.