From Infinite to Kamikaze: A Novel

SEPTEMBER 1999 - LEX

Disclaimer: I do not claim affiliation with or ownership of any songs, lyrics, albums, etc.

 

It took me three trips but I finally got all the groceries into the house. My mom was in Florida for a nursing conference so I was on my own that weekend. I had just gotten back into town and found myself foodless. So I stocked up on all the essentials to make chicken noodle soup and hot fudge sundaes. I would need all the comfort food I could get that night. It was 9/9/99, the night of the MTV Video Music Awards. Of course I was gonna watch from the comfort of my living room, but part of me really wished I could be there because I knew Em would be performing at his first award show amongst his new peers and it was something I really wished I could be in the audience for...

After unpacking everything, I ran myself a hot bubble bath. With candles lit all around, it was like being in a spa. It felt so good to unwind. I'd been beyond busy for months. I had started doing the majority of my schoolwork by e-mail. Most of my professors were extremely accommodating. I'd go in occasionally to take exams but was no longer living in the dorms. Brenda had given me hell for that since her new roommate was an absolute headache. Learning the work outside of the classroom wasn't too bad since I was an avid reader and pretty self-motivated, but it didn't give me the sense of camaraderie I had felt when I was on campus. I had taken the plunge and decided to do summer school so I could graduate a little earlier. But I still had a year and a half left and I wasn't gonna blow it after all the work I'd put into getting my business degree.

After producing In the End with Linkin Park for their debut album and writing I Try with Macy Gray for her debut album, I'd focused solely on working with Erykah Badu on her second studio album. That had been a game-changer for me. Not only did it give me a chance to work with and learn from amazing artists like her and Questlove and renowned sound engineer Russell Elevado, but I also got to meet Common when we did an informal studio session in Texas a few weeks back. He and Erykah were really excited to collaborate, so we would be heading back to Texas to work with him in the next few months. While in the studio one day, both Erykah and Common heard me sing a chorus to one of the songs we were writing for her and it had piqued their interest.

I never thought much of my singing voice. I thought it was okay, definitely not bad, but I had never really gone all out before. Erykah convinced me to go in the instrument room and do a cover of Marvin Gaye's Trouble Man while playing the piano. They were floored. Like, jaws on the floor. It had made me laugh cuz I thought they were messin' with me at first. When they played it back, I realized it did sound pretty good but I still wasn't convinced it was good enough for me to make my own album. They insisted I was crazy but nevertheless, Erykah gave me a list of songs to practice my range to and that became what I did in my "downtime". That and playing my instruments.

I had found myself reverting to old habits. Writing and learning to play the piano had kept me busy a year and a half ago while Em was busy recording his first LP. Now that my heart was unsuccessfully trying to heal from our breakup, I kept myself busy not only by writing, but also by improving my instrument skills, learning how to use my vocals to the best of my ability, and working on production and mixing in the studio. I was never home. I was always in a studio. My paycheck from writing and producing You Got Me with The Roots went right back to paying for studio time. I was sure my future paychecks would be utilized in the same way once I got them.

I was constantly sending my publisher Jennifer beats and lyrics that she then shopped around to different artists and producers. The day that Em had come to see me in the studio, I was so distracted I ended up staying there all night. I had written and thrown out so many lyrics.... I just couldn't put into words what I was feeling. But then I realized I didn't necessarily have to write about how sad I was, or how much I missed him....what did I really feel towards him? Love. I still loved him. But more than that, I wanted so much for him besides the success that he was so clearly having. I wanted to make sure he kept his feet grounded and that he stayed true to himself because that's the person I fell in love with and that's who I knew he wanted to be...himself.