From Infinite to Kamikaze: A Novel

JUNE 2000 - EM

Her words resonated in my ears and pushed me over the edge. I don't know if it was the ecstasy, the alcohol, or a combination of both that took over at that point. All I knew was my body suddenly craved her with an urgency I hadn't felt in a long time and there she was, dangling in front of me for the taking. I took her by the shoulders and pushed her, maybe a little too eagerly, into the small space between the water vending machine and the window. The look of surprise on her face might have stopped me if I hadn't been under the influence.

"Em, what..." she managed to get out before I pressed myself flush against her, her body sandwiched tightly between me and the wall. Her head hit harder than I had intended but I couldn't stop now. My lips crushed hers, the stressful tension I'd been feeling for the past few weeks magically and immediately relieved with their warmth and softness. I felt her hesitation at first, but it only made my mouth fiercer, hungrier. I forced her mouth open with my own and dove in with my tongue, relishing the familiar taste that I'd feared I would never experience again. She moaned slightly into my mouth which hardened my cock instantly. 

Her hands fumbled at my sides, unsure of whether to pull me in or push me away. So I grabbed them, interlocking our fingers and pinning them against the wall on either side of her head. The jingling of the bracelet I had gotten her didn't go unnoticed. I loved that she still wore it, despite everything... 

Our breathing was uneven and heavy as I ravished her mouth like it was the life source I desperately needed to survive. My legs took a wide stance on either side of hers and I knew she could feel my dick poking through my baggy sweatpants and nudging against her thighs. I smiled internally as she opened her legs slightly to allow it to slide comfortably in between. My heart felt like it was gonna fly out of my chest and rivaled the bass thumbing from the hotel room that made the wall subtly vibrate. 

She had finally surrendered and was kissing me back now, with the same intensity I was giving her, and I knew without a doubt that she was still in love with me.

I pulled back, just for a second, to look at her beautiful face again. We panted as we studied each other. Her lips were plump and swollen and I gently grazed my thumb against them before soothing them with softer, more controlled kisses. I watched as she closed her eyes and leaned her head back, giving me more access. 

My one hand still held one of hers against the wall, while my other hand moved down to her neck. I used my thumb to lightly stroke the front of it while the rest of my fingers supported the back of it. We dissolved into each other, each kiss more perfect than the last one. Totally in sync with our tongues, our lips, our breathing. 

I had almost forgotten how amazing it was to kiss her. It was like she anticipated my every move; like she could read my mind and complemented each of movements with a smooth one of her own. My stomach ached with the need to be inside her. I grinded my pelvis into hers, communicating my desire to make love to her. She gasped and responded by pushing her hips forward. 

But then I felt her free hand grab ahold of my forearm and pull my hand away from her neck. 

"Marshall," she whispered into my mouth to gently stop me. Fuck, I needed her so bad it fucking hurt all over. 

"Come to my room," I begged in a low voice. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall, still breathing heavily.

I waited impatiently for her to answer me but had a dreaded feeling she'd turn me down. She finally opened her eyes and the tears in them made me want to crumple to her feet and beg for forgiveness. 

"You know I can't," she said with deep disappointment. 

I placed my hands on her hips and squeezed them as I rested my forehead on her shoulder in defeat. "Baby please," I breathed out. 

To my surprise, she pressed her hands against my back and pulled me towards her. She nuzzled her face into my chest, breathing me in deeply before softly pushing me away. I backed up reluctantly, still catching my breath. Tucking her hair behind her ear, she started to walk away but I grabbed her wrist. "Lex..."

"Marshall, don't," she said firmly over her shoulder, pulling her wrist away from my grasp.

"Why?" I asked, my desperation turning to anger.

She turned to face me, her eyes glistening with tears. "Why? Why are you doing this to me?" she asked genuinely.

"What?"

"This!" she exclaimed, gesturing to the space between us. "You're married! Why are you making me..." She stopped herself, sighed, and shook her head. "You're married," she repeated in a calmer voice. A tear finally trickled down her left cheek, followed by a second one on her right. I tried to brush them away with the back of my pointer finger but she turned her head and quickly wiped them herself.

"We're getting divorced," I said quietly. I hadn't told anyone because we hadn't done any official paperwork yet, but I had told Kim the previous week that I was done. 

Lex sucked in her breath and, for a moment, I saw what looked like a shimmer of hope flutter across her face. After thawing from her frozen state, she shook her head in disbelief and started backing away slowly. "No," she stated firmly.

I wrinkled my forehead in confusion. "Yea," I insisted. "I already talked to my lawyer. Gonna have the papers drawn up asap."

"Stop," she said, putting her hand up as I countered her backwards steps. 

I stopped and gestured my hands questioningly out to my side. "Stop what?" I asked.

"Stop...following me. Stop talking. I..." she stammered. "It's not gonna happen."

I stood there, stumped as to what to say. Stumped at what she was saying. I had thought, after what had just happened, that she would've been relieved at my announcement. Maybe even happy.

"You two are notorious for breaking up and getting back together. You say you're gonna get divorced...but it's not gonna happen."

"Yes it is. I can't be with her after that Guerrera bullshit. I don't trust her for shit," I argued. An ironic look came over her face that painfully reminded me of a similar conversation that had taken place between the two of us a little more than a year ago...

"Listen, you can believe me or not believe me Lex. It's gonna happen. But regardless of what you believe..." I stepped towards her again and this time she didn't back up. "I'm still in love with you. And that's a fact. I should never have married Kim in the first place. I should've fought like hell to get you back. Cuz if there's one thing I've realized this past year, it's that you're the only girl for me. The only one I wanna spend the rest of my life with. I knew that shit when we were together...and I know it now." 

I tucked back the hair that she had previously tucked behind her ear and was surprised that she let me. I could see in her face that she was having an internal struggle with herself. I held my breath, waiting for her response.

"I'll believe it when I see it," she said, visibly holding back more tears. And with that, she spun around and headed back down the hall, leaving me standing there wondering what the fuck had just happened.