From Infinite to Kamikaze: A Novel

APRIL 2000 - LEX

I did my best to ignore Em as he sat there, studying my facial expressions to each song on his new album. But really, I felt a little self-conscious. He looked so good; and the weight of his eyes on me for that long awakened feelings inside of me that I had worked so hard to bury. On the other hand, it wasn't that hard to ignore him because the album was really that good. It was funny, dark, and introspective; it showed a new level of maturity that made me realize he was growing up. I felt compelled to nod my head to every single beat and laughed more than I had in a long time.

The only song that made me uncomfortable was Kim. And it wasn't because of what he said in the song; it was because they had been married now for 9 months, and he and I had been friends again for 2 months, and he hadn't so much as brought her name up. And now here I was, listening to a song about him killing her. We made eye contact as soon as I heard the lyrics "Sit down bitch! You move again/I'll beat the shit out of you!" His expression was painful but also self-righteous. It was the only song that he didn't watch my reaction of.

"So?" he asked as Criminal ended with a gunshot.

I cleared my throat and stifled a laugh. "For someone who hates the spotlight so much, you keep on makin' these bangers," I smiled.

"I mean...I'm not makin' them for the spotlight. I'm just expressin' myself. Like...like you with your journal shit. Only the shit that goes on in my head is a little crazier than what you got goin' on in yours," he chuckled.

"Em...I," I shrugged and took a deep breath but no words came out. "I'm literally speechless. I...I don't know what to say." He stared at me, looking for more than what I just gave him. "It's a masterpiece. The wordplay, the production, the messages...Your songs are like stories. Or short films. Short horror films," I giggled.

He smiled that gorgeous smile. "So you like it?"

"Like it?" I shook my head. "I love it. Every song sounds so different, so it's interesting. It kept my attention the whole time. And it's....vulnerable and hilarious and....dangerous...I've never heard anything like it."

We couldn't take our eyes off each other for what felt like minutes but was probably more like seconds. Every time I heard his songs, I was reminded why I had been drawn to him that day I first saw him at The Hip Hop Shop; I was reminded why I had fallen in love with him so quickly, even though we were only friends for years after I realized that fact; I was reminded why I was still in love with him...

I tore away my gaze as I started gathering up the trash from our dinner. "So...um...what's gonna be the first single?" I asked, trying to make the awkward silence go away.

"The Real Slim Shady," he replied.

"Oh," I nodded.

"What?" he asked. "What's that face?"

"What face? It's nothing," I insisted.

"What? C'mon Lex...I know I can always count on you to be real with me so....be real," his voice cracked. Fuck, I love it when his voice does that.

"It's nothing. It's just..." I leaned forward and rested my forearms on my thighs, bringing our faces closer. "That song reminds me a lot of My Name Is...And...I feel like it's not as real or hardcore as something like The Way I Am. I mean, The Real Slim Shady is good too. But..."

"It's funny you say that," he interrupted. "Cuz I wrote The Way I Am when Jimmy told me to write something similar to My Name Is... to be the first single off the album. I got frustrated and wrote that shit. And then the next day I wrote The Real Slim Shady, which they thought had just the right amount of whatever they was lookin' for to be the first single."