From Infinite to Kamikaze: A Novel

SEPTEMBER 2000 - LEX

"I can't wait til Linkin Park's album comes out next month. I heard the song you did on there with them is fire!" a drunken Courtney Love beamed.

"Thanks," I smiled bashfully. "We worked really hard on that track. They're a great bunch of guys."

"Yea they are!" she agreed enthusiastically. "They opened up for us a few times at The Whiskey, like back in '97, '98. But I'm sure they'll be headlining soon enough!"

"Well, what about you?" I asked, turning the spotlight on her. "You've been in some movies recently, haven't you? Are you taking a break from Hole or are you guys gonna put out another album? Celebrity Skin was, like, incredibly huge..." I was cut off when a hand grabbed my elbow and spun me around.

"Yo, why you been ignorin' me?" I was face to face with Marshall. Fuck, he looked good. But I couldn't let that distract me. After visiting Kim, I had made a conscious decision to give us some space. Space for him to work shit out with Kim and space to give myself room to breathe and not feel so guilty all the time.

"Em..." I started. I turned back to Courtney who had a huge smile on her face, like she had just discovered a secret and I prayed this wouldn't become a headline in some obscure tabloid. "Sorry Courtney," I called over my shoulder. She winked at me and went back to a conversation the rest of the members in her group had been having before she bumped into me.

I turned back to Marshall who looked both concerned and impatient. "It's a little loud to talk here," I yelled. He looked around for a moment before taking my hand and pulling me into a corner near the bathrooms.

"Why have you been ignoring me all night Lex?" he demanded again. He was angry, but he was also hurt. This was gonna be harder than I had thought. 

I took a deep breath. "I'm not ignoring you. I'm mingling," I lied. "Anyway, this is the first time I've seen you tonight."

"Don't gimme that bullshit. I just saw you talkin' to Andre. You dipped as soon as you looked at me. And what about on the red carpet earlier? You did the same thing. So what? What'd I do this time?" he asked, genuinely confused about what was going on.

I couldn't keep lying to him. So I took another deep breath and, even though I didn't think this was the right place or time to bring it up, I told him the truth.

"I just...I just think you and I need a little bit of a break, that's all," I reasoned.

"A break? What the fuck do you mean, a break? Maybe you forgot, but...we're not a couple anymore, so...."

"You're right. We're not. So why do I feel guilty every time we hang out together?" I calmly asked.

"Guilty? About what?" he asked, looking more and more confused.

I scoffed and looked away for a moment, trying to figure out how to word what I needed to say. "Em...you're married. You full-on kissed me the last time we hung out. We're always flirting, or at least it feels like that to me. And..." I leaned in to whisper the rest. "Kim just tried to kill herself. Over you. And...I really don't think she likes the fact that we're so close. And to be honest with you, I'm not sure I'd like it either if I were in her shoes. Especially since you told her that we were together. I'm sure she can put two and two together and figure out that...we were in love."

"Were?"

I sighed. "Look, that doesn't matter, right? Cuz even if we were, we couldn't do anything about it."

"I told you...I'm getting divorced."

"Well from what I heard, that's off the table now."

He stepped towards me, his brow wrinkled in suspicion, his eyes narrowed. "Who told you that?"