From Infinite to Kamikaze: A Novel

THE INTERVIEW - 2018 - EM

Anderson Cooper: "So how did you feel about her at that point?"

Em: "I mean...I loved her. I'd been in love with her...for awhile. But....just cuz you love someone, doesn't necessarily mean you can be with them, y'know?"

Anderson Cooper: "And did you think she loved you?"

Em: "I...knew she cared about me, like that. And I think that....she probably wanted to be with me. I could kind of sense that when we hung out together. But I don't really know if she loved me, the way I loved her. I guess, knowing what I know now...she probably did."

Anderson Cooper: "And what was stopping you from being together?"

I took a deep breath. It was weird to put all these personal feelings out there, when I'd tried so hard for so long to keep them to myself.

Em: "Everything. At the time, I mean, it felt like everything was in the way. Mainly Kim cuz I knew she'd somehow use that shit against me, but also my career was just starting and I knew that was my one and only chance to get Hailie back. Was to completely crush it on that first mainstream album. Cuz you only get one chance to make a first impression. You know what I mean? The Slim Shady LP was gonna be my introduction to the world. Out of the underground. Like a debut, right? I was makin' a name for myself. You put out a shitty debut, you're tainted. For the rest of your career. That's it. You could make the world's greatest album after your first. But if your first was shit, who's gonna wanna listen to the next one you put out? Or the next one? Or the next one? You see what I'm sayin'?"

Anderson nodded.

Anderson Cooper: "Yea. That's a lot of pressure."

Em: "But I was up to it, you know? I was ready. I'd been ready. And I was gonna show Dre he didn't make a mistake in choosing me. And to do that, I had to give 150%. Which meant everything else in my life at that point, had to come second."

Anderson Cooper: "Except for your daughter though, right?"

Em: "Well, of course...but I mean, I was doin' it all for her. All the rap shit was always for her. So that I could give her a better life. So that I could give her a better future. And I mean, I never thought I'd blow up the way I did. But if I could just make enough money to get her out of the shitty neighborhoods and into good schools, put her through college, extracurricular activities, a nice vacation once or twice a year....you know? Things like that. That's all I was lookin' for, man. I never dreamed it'd be the way it ended up being."

Anderson Cooper: "And now...Hailie will never have to work a day in her life. So...you did good, Dad!" Anderson smiled.

Em: "I mean, she won't have to but I hope she does. I hope she finds something she enjoys and can make money doin' it. Cuz I mean, that's how I raised her. You know? To not rely on anyone for your own livelihood or your own happiness. I mean, she didn't have to go to college and graduate with honors or be captain of her volleyball team or president of her student council or any of the amazing things she's done, but she did. And she did all that because she enjoyed it and it made her feel good about herself. You know? She knows the meaning of hard work and the satisfaction that you get from it, and that's something that I hope she continues to practice throughout her life. But I mean, yea, it feels good knowing that she has that security should she ever need it."

Anderson Cooper: "So, if you loved Lex at this point...I feel like New Year's would be a good time to say it, no?"

Em: "Nah...that's not somethin' I'd say for the first time over the phone. You know what I mean? That's...." I rubbed my chin while thinking. "But I mean, I wasn't ready to tell her that yet anyway. Things were still, just, too chaotic in my life to bring someone else into it like that. You know? Cuz I mean, when you tell a girl you love them, it's saying that you wanna be in a relationship with them. Right? I mean, that's how I saw it back then anyway. And I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with her or anyone right then. I couldn't give her the time that she deserved from a boyfriend or whatever. Not to mention, I still had a lotta drama goin' on with Kim and I didn't wanna make Lex a part of that. I needed to get my situation with Kim and Hailie and...all that...straight before bringing in another piece to the puzzle, you know?

Anderson Cooper: "But weren't you worried that, maybe she would find someone else thinking that you weren't interested?"

Em: "I think she knew I was interested." I nodded as I brought my hand up to my mouth to hide my grin. "I mean, any chance I'd get I'd try to show her how I felt, y'know? Same with her to me. We just....kind of had an understanding between us."

Anderson Cooper: "Were you surprised that she never asked you to...be exclusive or make things official or anything?"

Em: "Um...not really. I mean," I cleared my throat and shifted in my seat. "She's not the clingy type who needs to label every little thing, you know? But besides that, Lex is very....astute. You know what I mean? She... I think one of the main reasons we got along so well is cuz I felt like she just....got me. She understood things without me havin' to explain 'em. So I think she understood why I couldn't make a commitment to her at the time, even though I wanted to. But looking back, I realize now that I should've at least talked to her about it, and I shouldn't have taken advantage of her or our relationship the way that I did cuz I mean, you can't always expect someone to read your mind, no matter how well you think they know you."

A/N: Sigh... he's so sexy! Okay, sorry...just had to gush for a minute, lol! Are we thinking this is believable? I really tried to channel Em's personality. It's a little tricky going back and forth from when he was younger to how he is now cuz I feel like his accent and the way he talks has changed a bit, plus he's just more mature now. But I tried! Let me know what you think about the way it was worded, how he feels about Lex and vice versa, or whatever! Love hearing from you guys!! :)