Cigarettes [Bennoda] ✔

Chapter 55

[Warning]: Self harm
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Chester's POV
After I stopped taking the pills, I felt good for a week or so. I thought I was starting to get out of my depressive hole for good this time. At least out of it for a few months.

After that week of not taking them, I started to go downhill once again. I refused to take the pills though. I was confident I could get through it on my own that time. I was confident about getting through it on my own until I found myself in the bathroom with a blade stuck to my skin again.

I wasn't sure how or why I ended up in that spot again, but there I was. I went through with it. I made four cuts on my arm before just completely breaking down and sliding down the wall. As I was crying and letting my arm bleed, Mike walked in.

"I'm sorry." I choked out. "Baby... Oh my God..." Mike said as he looked at my arm. He was tearing up as he got a wet rag for me. He helped me up to sit on the closed toilet, and then he started cleaning up my blood. "Why?" He whispered as he got down to my level to look me in the eyes after he was done. Little tears were running down his face and it broke my heart that I was hurting him. I just shrugged and he sighed.

"Is the medication not working? What is going on? I need to know so that I can help you." He said. I just shrugged again. He sighed, stood up and pulled the bottle of pills out of the cabinet behind the mirror. It had been almost two months since I got them and should've been almost gone, but it was still half full.

Mike took a deep breath and turned to me with the bottle of pills. "Have you even been taking these?" He asked. I just shrugged again and put my head down. He put the bottle down onto the counter kind of aggressively, leaned back against the door and rubbed his eyes before looking at me disappointingly.

"Chester, I literally can not do this anymore if you are going to be like this. I love you more than anything, but you need help. I've gotten you help, but apparently that was a waste of time because you aren't even trying to get better. I can't watch you suffer, but I also can't force you to change. All I know is that this whole thing is bringing me down. I know you can't help having depression, but you need to at least try to get better. Not just for yourself, but for everyone else around you as well." He said. I just put my head down.

"So you're leaving me?" I choked out. "If you aren't going to make an effort to get better, then I don't see another option. I can't spend the rest of my life trying to help you, if you aren't gonna accept it. Like I said, I can't force you to get better either." He said as he started to cry.

"I love you so fucking much, and it hurts me that you won't try and better yourself. I can't hurt myself by putting in time and effort trying to help you when you don't even want the help. I don't want my life to be this fucking depressing all of the time. I wanna be happy again like the first six or so months we were together. I wanna get married one day and have kids. I wanna grow old with you and, and watch our babies and grandbabies grow up. That's what I want in life. I don't want my life to be like it is right now. So you can either take the meds, we can see another doctor if you want to get another opinion, or we can't be together anymore. I can't be with someone who tears me down."

I closed my eyes and let the tears that had been welling fall. "It's not my fault..." I said just above a whisper. Mike sighed. "Chester. Part of it is your fucking fault. You're not trying to get better. You'd get better if you actually tried. Fuck, I feel like I'm living with a goddamn child." Mike said rudely as he rubbed his face with his hands.

A bit of anger flooded through me when he said that. I stood up to get eye level with him. "I am a goddamn child, Mike. I'm 19 fucking years old. You knew what you were getting yourself into when you first kissed me. You knew. I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry for fucking up everything." I said before pushing him out of the way to walk out the door.

"Baby..." "No. Don't Baby me. Fuck you." I said as I slipped on a t-shirt that was on the floor. Tears were starting to fall again as I walked out of our bedroom door. "Chester, please stop." Mike said as he followed me. "Why? So you can tell me how unhappy I'm making you again? Fuck that." I said.

I was almost out the door, but he grabbed my arm, pulled me back in and close the door. I broke down again and he held me. "Shh..." He said as he rubbed my back and tried to calm my sobs down. "Come sit." He said. He led us over to the couch and we sat toward eachother.

"Let's just talk through this. Why haven't you been taking the pills? Do they make you feel worse? What is it." Mike asked. I sighed and wiped my eyes. "I thought I was better. I felt good and I didn't think I needed them anymore, so I stopped taking them." I said. He sighed. "You're supposed to take them even if you're feeling good." He said. I just put my head down and nodded. "I just don't like that I have to rely on a fucking pill to have a good day." I said. "It makes me feel weak."

"You're not weak just because you have to take a pill. I take vitamins everyday, but does that make me weak? No." He said. "That's different." I said. "Is it though? I take vitamins to feel good and be healthy. You have to take your meds to feel good and be healthy. Same thing." He said. I just nodded, leaned forward and rested my forehead on his shoulder. He put his arms around my back and held me there.

"And I'm sorry for calling you a child. I just sometimes forget that you're not an old ass man like me." He said with a little laugh. I smiled a little, but didn't say anything. "You're not even a child. You're a beautiful young man." He said. "Gross. You sound like my mother." I mumbled. He laughed. I raised my head up and we looked at eachother.

"Just please take the pills. I know you don't like it, but I don't like seeing you hurt. It takes like two seconds a day to swallow one down. It's okay, and it doesn't make you weak. You're the strongest human I know." He said. I nodded.

"I'll get better. I promise. I can't lose you Mike." I whispered. I put my arms around him and rested my head on his chest. "Please don't leave me." I whispered as I started to cry again. He put his arms around me and held me tightly. "I promise I'll try. I'll take the meds and try. I can't live without you." I said. "I believe you." He whispered back.

We stayed in that spot for a while. I hated that I was making Mike hurt so badly. I didn't even realize how my problems were affecting him. I knew that I needed to try my hardest to get better. That meant taking the meds like I was supposed to, going in for therapy when I needed to, and doing productive things when Mike wasn't around to distract me.

"Thank you for helping me. I'm sorry that I've been a stubborn asshole and not trying." I said as I looked at him. He nodded and kissed me on the forehead. "I'm sorry if I'm being hard on you, but I just want to see you be happy again." He said quietly. I nodded. "Don't be sorry. I know I need to try. Nothing will get better unless I try and really want it to get better." I said. He nodded.

He took my hand in his and looked at my arm that was starting to bleed again. Mike took a deep breath. "Let's go get this cleaned again and wrapped up. Okay? Then I'll make us some dinner and we can snuggle the night away." He said. I gave him a bit of a sad smile and nodded. He wrapped my arm in some gauze and then we went downstairs to the kitchen.

We made us some food and we started eating. "I'm sorry for... everything." I said as we ate. "Chester... It's all going to be okay. I'm not angry with you... but I'd be lying if I said I didn't get a little frustrated sometimes. I still love you more than anything though, and I'll do anything and everything to make sure you're happy. You've gotta accept that help though." He said. I nodded. "I know. I have been trying, but I really thought I was okay. After not taking them for a few days, I really did feel good. After that week, though, I just went back downhill. I'm sorry for being stupid and not taking them." I said.

"Hey, you're not stupid. You thought that was right for you, and I'm not mad at you for following your instincts. Now you know how it is without them, so just please take them." Mike said. I just nodded.

We ate the rest of our food and then went upstairs to our room. "Come here." Mike said as he held out his arms for me. I smiled, got in bed and got in his arms. "I love you more than you'll ever know." He whispered before kissing my forehead. "I love you too, Mike. So much." I said as I snuggled more into his chest. "Get some sleep, my love. We've had a long day."

"Okay. Good night, Mike." "Good night, Chester."