roses//g.d

56

dear grayson,

i can't even imagine how mad you must be at me right now. i can't even begin to picture you being devastated, or crying, or both. i wish i could cuddle with you right now, or hold you, or let you know that i'm still with you. you're probably gonna feel like this is your fault, but please don't. i chose to do this because of my life as a whole, if you would even call it a life. my parents are dead, as well as my brother. everyone at school despises me, and it's all too much. i hope that one day you'll believe my side of the story, and not jacks. he's ruined my life a lot, and it would really suck if you still took his side. i feel like im so isolated, and no one is there to help me. it's kinda like drowning in front of hundreds of people, and not a single one of them is helping me out of the water. anyways, please don't do what i do because of being sad. don't get high, or drunk, or try to cut, or anything of that sort. just talk to ethan, or someone else you love. do you remember the first time we hung out? it was at panera that one day after school, the first day we ever started talking actually. remember all the times you spent the night at my house? or all the nights i spent at yours? i'll hold onto those memories forever, they mean so much to me. also, do you remember all the times you bought me roses? i still have them all, even though they're dead for the most part. if you want to, you can take them back. they're in a vase on my dresser in my room... actually, don't take them back, i love them. holy shit, this is by far the longest letter i've ever written, i should probably end it. before i do though, there's one more thing i need to get off my chest. i'm kind of nervous writing this actually, but there's nothing to lose now right? here it goes... grayson, i love you. i love you more than anything and i would've absolutely loved having a future with you. it's okay if you don't love me back, i just needed to tell you that i love you. i love how sweet you are, how funny you are, how caring you are, just, everything about you is lovable. i know in the future you'll find a girl 1000x better than me, and i'll be so happy for you! don't hold back, okay? okay, well i have to go now. goodbye grayson, maybe in another life.

*WARNING: this next part is extremely triggering please don't read if you're uncomfortable*

i put my pen down, and placed graysons letter with the rest of them on my bed. i went to my vase where all my roses are, and broke petals off of them. i got tape, and began to tape rose petals onto graysons envelope until it was completely covered.

i gathered up all the letters, and put them in a shoebox. after that, i tucked the shoe box away under my bed.

hopefully someone finds these, and gives them to everyone, what a waste of time it would've been if they don't.

i walked into my bathroom, looking at the bath tub filled with water.

i swallowed the lump in my throat, and got into the bath, still fully clothed.

why are you doing this?  i asked myself.

because, everyone hates me.

i began to think about my life, everything that has happened. these past 3 years have been hell on earth, and this past week, earth was practically begging me to get off it.

i grabbed a razor that was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, and brought it up to my arm.

"this is it."

as i held the razor, my hands started to shake, and i started to breathe really heavily.

i'm scared.

but why?

come on scarlett, just 2 good cuts and you're out.

without hesitation, i shoved the razor into my wrist, and dragged the blade up my vein.

"holy fuck, ow, ow, ow." i started panicking.

i screamed out in pain, tears instantly spilling out of my eyes.

"i can't even do this right!" i yelled to myself.

shaking uncontrollably now, i held up my blade again, ready to slit my other wrist.

letting out extremely shaky breaths, i stuck the blade into my other wrist, dragging it up my vein like how i did the other one.

"okay." i began to calm down, "you did it."

for a couple minutes, i watched the bath water turn more and more red. my head was empty, no more negative thoughts were swarming around.

then, it happened.

my vision became blurry, and i felt my eyes getting heavy. i slumped down in the bathtub, and felt my eyes slowly closing.

after that, it was over.

i did it.

*
im really sorry bout this omg
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