THE MURDERER AND I

chapter thirty: quiet

"Put your arms above your head"
"A single move and we won't hesitate to shoot."

I turned around slowly, facing the cops behind me. Ryder looked at me worriedly, but I didn't have a single emotion on my face. I'd been through worse.

I looked at the cops, a smug look on my face. They looked back a me sternly, and I knew they wouldn't hesitate to shoot me if they needed. But at this point, I don't think I was afraid of that. I don't think I was afraid of anything. Nothing scares me anymore.

I looked back up at Ryder, and he shrugged defeatedly as he put his hands up. I didn't move a muscle. I just stood there, stuck in a haze.

"Put your hands up Bella." He whispered.

I ignored him.

"Miss we need you to put your hands up now."

The cops ordered me, but I continued to ignore them. They called for backup, but I didn't move at all

I heard the cops yelling at me.Their voices sounded distorted and everything was in slow motion. But I couldn't focus. I just stood their, thinking about everything I had been through. Everything single thing I had been dragged through. All the running and hiding, the pain and goodbyes. And I thought about how much I hated this life, and how much more I'd hate it in jail. I'd been strong for too long. That's the problem with being strong, no one offers you a hand. And at some point, death seemed more inviting that life.

And I thought what I had thought days before, but didn't dare to say out loud. I'd rather die than get caught. I'd rather die than spend my life in jail.

After that, I didn't think at all. I didn't think about what I was doing. I just didn't think.

I saw the cops gripping their guns, and Ryder's worried expression as I pulled out my own gun.

I stared at it absentmindedly, the sounds around me muffled and hazy. I looked down at my feet, those same black combat boots I always wore. Dean always teased me for that.

Before the cops could shoot me, and before I could think twice, I press my gun against my own forehead.

I felt the cool metal caress the side of my forehead. It all felt almost surreal, like none of this was really happening. But it was.

And the last thing I saw was Ryder's face, distorted and worried. I don't know why he was so worried.

Sounds surrounded me. Yelling and screaming but I didn't pay attention to it. I just closed my eyes.

I closed my eyes
and just like that, everything was quiet.