THE MURDERER AND I

chapter twenty-three: i know

"And you don't even know where you're going?"

I heard an accusing Jax say to Ryder. He still looked at me suspiciously, but what did I care? I would never seen him again, and he would never see me again. I didn't think he would want to see me again.

"Jax, I'll be back again. I always come back." Ryder assured Jax. God, Jax sounded like he was Ryder's dad or something. I didn't have anyone who cared about me, and that gave me freedom. I wasn't tied down, and I didn't want to be.

"You're gonna end up dead someday you know that?" Jax replied playfully, messing up Ryder's hair. They had the best kind of friendship. The type of friendship where nothing changes. Even if you haven't seen each other in months, you know you'll be the same with them.

"Hey, we all end up dead sooner or later." Ryder joked, and Jax gave him a playful punch. Jax was so cold, and so emotionless, yet he was a completely different person with Ryder. That's how some people are. They bring out the best in you. They bring out what you didn't even know you had. Ryder's that kind of person. For a while, I had felt at home.

And for a while, I hadn't felt that feeling deep in my stomach. The feeling engraved in my mind. The feeling that I needed adrenaline. The kind of adrenaline I hadn't felt in a while. The kind you only got from taking someone's life away, watching their eyes slowly become lifeless. I couldn't think about that right now, yet it was the only thing on my mind.

"I just don't know why you're going with her..." I heard Jax say as he glanced at me, suspicious again. I snapped out of haze and back into reality.

"She's my girl. We're partners right?" Ryder teased jokingly. He raised his eyebrows at Jax.

"Sure." I laughed as he put his arm around me. Jax scoffed and gave us a small but obviously fake smile.

"Look, I know. I know you don't like me." I shrugged. Ryder let go of me, surprised I had finally said it. Jax was simply unamused.

"Congratulations. How'd you find out?" Jax replied sarcastically. He cocked his right brow, and his eyes bore deep into mine.

"Little bird told me." I spat back, even more sarcastic. He wanted to play like that, I will too. For fucks sake, are we really holding grudges? Was he like 12 or something?

"Look, I know." He imitated me. "I know you fucked Phoenix." His tone was no longer playful, but judgmental. He had lowered his voice, as if he was ashamed to say it.

"Ryder would be fucking dead of I hadn't." I sneered.
"Maybe next time you can fuck Phoenix, since you're so judgmental, maybe you can do it better?"

He gave me a cold stare, squinting his eyes at me. I stood there, looking back at him just as coldly. I wasn't one to back down. I scoffed and turned back around to pick up my bags I had put down while talking to the younger boys.

I looked back and Ryder and Jax were deep in conversation, as if nothing had happened, and the rest of the boys were just fooling around. I thought about Ace for a minute. We hadn't talked since Ryder had come home. That look he had given me was so emotionless, as if he knew what I had done. To be honest, he probably did.

I was getting impatient with Ryder. God, he was so forgetful sometimes. Careless. I waited for a little while longer, before I couldn't take it anymore. I shoved past them roughly, but they didn't seem to notice. I stepped outside and tossed my bags into my car. In just a few minutes, I would finally be out of here. I hated being in one place for too long.

I sat down on the curb wishing I had a cigarette.