THE MURDERER AND I

chapter twenty: missing you

"Hey Ryder!" Gunner and Scout said in unison as Jax and I helped Ryder walk through the door. They ran up to him happily before they noticed how beat up he was.

"Damn you don't look so good." Fox winced.

"Yeah I'm a mess huh?" Ryder laughed.

Jax continued to look at me suspiciously and I turned away uncomfortably. I locked eyes with Ace who was sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette. I gave him a soft smile but he just stared at me without any emotion.

"Get some rest Ryder." Jax ordered nodding for me to take him.

"Hey, see y'all tomorrow mornin" Ryder waved to the rest of the boys.

I led him into our room and shut the door behind us. He sat down on the bed and took off his shirt. His torso was just as bruised as his face, even more bruised actually. I sat down next to him and he winced as I traced my fingers over his numerous cuts.

He turned around to face me, and I already knew what he was going to say. I had to tell him. I never cared if I lied, but for some reason, I hated lying to him.

"Tell me the truth Bella." He said slowly, looking deep into my eyes. "Did you sleep with Phoenix?"

I was quiet for a moment. "Did you Bella?" He asked again, this time his voice growing more impatient.

"I had to ok? He was going to kill you Ryder." I blurted desperately. "He was going to kill you."

"Jesus christ Bella." He yelled, getting up and pacing around the room. "He got what he wanted."

"He got what he fucking wanted." He whispered as he ran his hands through his hair.

"What did you want me to do? Let you die? For fucks sake Ryder, if that's what you wanted then fine." I yelled back. "I'm sorry I tried to help you."

"By sleeping with him!" He snapped angrily.

"You would be dead if I hadn't!" I screamed. By now I was angry. I knew I shouldn't have helped him. I shouldn't help anyone. It's a weakness, and I can't afford weaknesses.

He stayed silent for a few minutes, before he sat down on the bed, his back facing me. I sighed and stood up.

"I'm sorry ok? I'm so sorry I saved your fucking life. I get why you're mad, but that's not fair. You think I wanted to sleep with him?." I sneered at him.

He looked at me, his angry features softening. I leaned against the wall and stared back at him blankly. He ran his hands through his hair again and sighed deeply.

"No, I'm sorry. It just makes me mad. But hey, you did find me, I'll give you that." He laughed, giving me a goofy smile.

"Is that a thank you?" I smiled. Somehow, he always seems to ease the tension with that smile of his.

"It sure is. It's a thank you, and a promise. A promise that I won't ever leave your side again." He said, growing serious. He motioned for me to sit next to him. I laid down next to him and he wrapped his arms around me.

"Well, I don't know if I like that idea." I teased.

"Too bad." He teased back. His body radiated a gentle and calming warmth. We lay there, wrapped in each other's embrace.

"I can't stay here anymore. I can't." I whispered slowly, as I lay my head on his chest. "I'm leaving."

"Shhh. Can we just lay here for a while? Before we leave again, before we run again, before our lives are a mess again, let me hold you for a while."

"I wouldn't want anything else." I told him. I don't know if I was telling the truth, but I felt like I was.

I closed my eyes, and thought about how many things had happened, in so little time. It seemed like years had passed. I could hardly believe that just a year ago, I lay just like this, but instead wrapped up in someone else's arms. Dean's.

I fell asleep thinking about how much I missed him. It seems like I'm always missing people that I shouldn't be missing. And god, I really shouldn't be missing him. Why did I?