Cupcakes and 5 boys

Chapter 59

CHAPTER 59

ESTHER'S POV

Five days till I move into a London apartment...

Four days till I leave the country...

Two days till Christmas...

Two hours before Niall leaves to go back home...

These six months have flown by... It feels like just yesterday when my fantasies became reality... when my five idols stumbled into my bakery... when my fainting led to the best thing that's ever happened to me.

The boys have all of their stuff packed up. Their apartment is spotless; they have to be out of it by today. They get to spend Christmas with their families, their flight leaves soon and for some reason I'm not excited...

Moving to London is such a huge step for me... and I won't have Niall here when I say goodbye to my family... I don't want to tell him but I really need him for this... I need him to be there for me, just how he always is, so I can cry on his shoulder as I watch home get smaller and smaller as we fly away. I know he'll be waiting for me there, but I know I'm going to be a mess... and having to wait eight hours before I see him will kill me...

I know I'm selfish and I should be excited for him that he gets to spend Christmas with his family, but I can't help it... there's this small part of me screaming at the other part of me to ask him to stay... I know he would and that's the problem...

I shake my head at my selfish thoughts and tape the box shut... almost all of my room is packed already... My whole life in cardboard... it's so strange...

I shake my head again to clear the thoughts of leaving. I sing to myself as I grab an empty box and move to the living room. If Andee were here she would tell me to shut up... not because I'm a bad singer but because she likes to be mean to me, but I give it right back to her. She's with Harry I think they are out to lunch or something... who knows...

Andee has no idea how happy it makes me that she's with Harry. It warms my heart to know that she's in a relationship, and has somebody who loves her. I know Harry will take care of her and I know that he would never hurt her. There was a period of time when she thought she was never going to have those types of feelings for anyone, ever again. After Cam she never was going to trust anyone. She trusted me, Rosie and her family, but that was it. She never thought she was going to get married, never going to have kids, none of that... but now that she's let Harry in I think she's changed her mind. She really cares about him and I think they will last a while... I hope nothing goes wrong.

 I start with the movies first. Why do we have so many? I fill three whole boxes with movies which kept me distracted. I think of all the movies we watch and how many funny memories were made while watching them.

I laugh to myself as I move to the pictures. I hold it together perfectly fine until I get to my family pictures... seeing pictures of us on our birthdays, surrounded by presents and cake... pictures of us playing in the mud and swimming... I won't be able to do that anymore... seeing a picture of me and daddy pushes me over the edge and I'm starting to hyperventilate...

I make it to the ground and wrap my arms tightly around my legs, burying my face in my knees. I hate being alone when this happens... I try to slow my breathing and my shaking but it's not working.

I sometimes had panic attacks when I was little. When the girls at school were mean enough I would get too scared to go to school. I had them more frequently when my dad died so my mom got me checked out but nothing was wrong. They said it was just from all the stress.

I haven't had one in a while and this is really scaring me. They said I wouldn't have another one! They said I was fine! Why is this happening?

No... stop... I have to calm down... I don't need to be afraid... but I won't see my family! No... no... no...