The Dirty Angels MC

47

I was waiting. I was just wanting. I had devoured that book like it was candy even though it tasted like vodka, burning its way through my mind and heart. Ace made sure he wasn't home when I got to the end of it and I found out why the hard way. I couldn't digest it. It was in my stomach but I just wanted to throw it up. My body couldn't accept it. I mean, how do you take lightly the fact that your mom is not your real mom?! I couldn't even picture it, how could I just... I don't even know. I felt like I didn't know anything anymore.

We end up being, weather we like it or not, in some ways a reflection of those we grow up with. My genes didn't match the reflection I was supposed to be. So who was I? What mattered the most? I didn't know! In that moment, I hated Juliet and Richard for lying to me my whole damn life!

I waited all afternoon because my blood was boiling. Who were they to lie to me? Who were they to decide what to do with my own fucking life?! I was out of myself. So I sat and waited because if I had done something in that moment, I would have fucked up my life really bad. I waited and smoked a whole pack of smokes before Ace got home. He looked at me and lowered his head.

-So...-He said, scratching the back of his head.

-Did you know about all this?-I asked him, without looking at him. He sighted.

-Kat, you gotta understand...-I looked at him. My blood started to boil again.

-I gotta understand?-I faked a laugh and got up.-I gotta understand?! Are you fucking kidding me?!-He looked down and shoved his hands inside his pockets.

-It wasn't none of my business so I just kept my mouth shut. When I found out I couldn't care less about you...

-But it was my business, Ace!-I threw him the book.-I'm leaving.

-What do you mean?!-He got confused.

-I mean that I'm leaving!-I grabbed my phone and jacket.

-Kat!-He grabbed me by the shoulders.-Chill! It's getting late, where are you going to sleep?!

-Get your fucking hands off of me!-I pushed him back. He took a deep breath.

-Do whatever you want. I don't care anymore.-He walked away and threw himself over his mattress.

I just left. I had no idea what the hell I was gonna do next. I was so pissed and confused I wanted to destroy everything so I walked inside the first bar I found and drunk myself to sleep.

When I woke up, I saw the white walls, the orange bedsheets. I jumped right away. I was naked and there was some guy sleeping in the same bed I was. Oh man, I flipped! I had just slept with a stranger! I couldn't remember what the hell had happened or where I was! I started thinking about getting STD's or getting pregnant and crazy shit like that. I was about to lose my damn mind so I just put on my clothes, grabbed his money and smokes and left. I felt so dirty as I walked down the streets. I had no idea where I was. I was definitely out of town because I literally couldn't recognize anything. I had lost my phone and everything. I was all alone.

-Yo, Kitty Kat! What you doing in my hood?!-Some gangster asked me. I had no idea who he was or how he knew my name.

-Excuse me?

-You heard me! Get the fuck outta here before I smack you, bitch!

-You could show me the way out though...-I said it with the intention to really mean it! I was lost goddammit! But I guess he got a different impression.

-What'cha saying?! Bitch, do you even know who I am?

-I really don't...

-That's it!-He walked up to me. I was so confused.

-What did I do?!-I said, taking steps back but he punched me anyway. Man, I still had some alcohol in my system so it was enough to knock me to the ground.

-If I see you again, I'mma kill you bitch!-He kicked me and then just left. I watched him leave, sighted and just laid flat on the floor.

-Fuck my life...

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It was late again. I still had no idea where I was. I could simply ask someone but I was way too proud to do it. I couldn't be that far, right? Wrong! When I got to the center of the city I was in and saw its name, my chin dropped to my knees. I was in a total different state! I didn't even know where it stood in the map! But I had a bigger problem. I was starving and low on money. Man, I was absolutely fucked! Jax and Ace wouldn't come for me... They'd give me time and I'd starve to death!

I had no other option but to get money the same way I did in the night before. I walked up into some bar and just drunk.

When I woke up, I was somewhere else. I had no idea who was lying besides me but I didn't care anyway. I couldn't feel a thing.

It started to haunt my mind that my real parents abandoned me. Wasn't I enough to stop my mom from killing herself? Or was I so much that she killed herself? For some reason, I felt like I was the one to blame. My dad, my real dad, didn't want me. He dropped me off, passed on the burden to Richard, like I was nothing! Why?!

Why...

Because maybe, just maybe, I was nothing. Maybe I was just a pointless life. Maybe my dad saw in my eyes the same I was starting to see... Maybe I was just not worth the effort. Maybe I wasn't meant to be loved. The "maybe"s were killing me! I couldn't even think straight!

I was lost within my own self. I dived too deep inside my own heart and I was running out of oxygen with the surface still out of sight.

I felt like I had been caught by a killer wave at the beach. You know, when your turn your back on the sea for so long and when you turn around all you can see is this huge wave right in front of you? Now, imagine you didn't even see it coming. Imagine this killer wave splashing in your back, pushing you forward, making you lose balance. Then the crazy amount of water falling over you is so strong it pushes you down until you're literally chewing sand, but it's not over. After all that, it feels like you're inside a washing machine, rolling down along with the wave until its finally over and there's almost more salty water in your stomach than blood in your veins. You come up and take a deep breath. You can't open your eyes, you're breathing heavily, still standing in the crashing zone. You can't even tell how much is 1+1 but you're desperate to see if there's another wave come but when you finally see it, there's another one way too close for you to escape. You didn't have time to fix your breath but the sea doesn't care and you're going down again. You're rolling once again. You can't be cold blooded and use the wave to swim because you're panicking about drowning so you just keep going down again and again until either someone pulls you out or you drown. I felt the exact same way. Like I kept being hit by huge thirsty waves and I just couldn't find the way out.

We, humans, are idiots. We panic so much about certain things we end up bringing them upon ourselves. I could have simply used a public phone but instead I panicked about not having MY phone. Sometimes I envy those said to be irrational, the animals, for they don't overthink things, therefore they do not create problems where they don't exist, like we humans do. Now you tell me who the real irrational ones are.