The Dirty Angels MC

30

I roamed the streets until it was an acceptable time to go back to the club. It's crazy how fast time goes by when you've got a war in your mind.  When I got there, Jax came to me.

-You were supposed to lock the door when you were leaving!-He told me, slightly pissed.

-Man, when I left it here I didn't even know my name!-I lied.-Sorry.-I returned the keys to him. He stared me for a long time. I didn't know weather he had believed it or not. It was really hard to lie to Jax. He was someone I really cared about.

For the rest of the day, I just sat in a table, in the back of the club. Time flew by! One minute I was staring down at my glass, the next it was already dark outside! I couldn't stop wondering what that book was all about and why Jax was hiding it. It seemed crazy how bad I wanted to read it. Now it makes all sense though...

-Hey, you!-Snake said, pulling a chair and sitting next to me, waking me up from my overthinking session of the evening.

-Oh, hi! How are you?

-I'm good. So how does it feel to be one of our own?!

-What?-I was still a bit lost.

-You know....-He pointed at my jacket, which was hanging carelessly in the back of my chair.

-Oh...-I looked at it. Something about how it was hanging brought me to some sort of conclusion I still didn't know. It was like a light in the back of my mind, not strong enough to lead the way though.-It's... Well...-I faked a giggle.-Awesome!

-That's what I thought! I knew you'd love it! You know...-He kept talking but I just lost track of him.

I kept thinking and thinking and oh man, I was so fucking sick of my rationality! But I knew the way my jacket was tossed in the back could only mean one thing.

-KAT!-He screamed and grabbed my arm. I jumped.

-Damn!-I breathed heavily for a few moments, until I was able to relax again.-You scared me...-He was still looking at me, eyebrows down and mouth slightly open, like he had no clue what the hell was going on.

-Are you feeling alright?-His touch became softer. I looked at him and I just couldn't lie no more. What was the point anyway? I sighted, shook my head negatively and took another sip from my drink which I hadn't touched.

-Nah... I'm not good. I'm tired, man! It's all so fucking complicated with you guys... I thought this would be fun! I thought we would be hanging out, riding on our bikes with the wind dancing in our hair and the sun kissing our skin and Jax would always protect us and Ace and I would be happy ever after-I took another sip. Snake expression was now a mix of sorrow and understanding. -But the longer I spend around here the more I realize it's never gonna happen! Jax told me I can't date Ace and I just... I don't know, man... My heart is breaking here!-I put my hand against my chest and then put the rest of the drink down. Snake didn't say anything. He just looked at me. I looked back for a few moments but I was an open book in front of him and I didn't like the vulnerability. I looked down.

-I feel you... Nobody ever said a bikers' club was a dream.-He made a little pause. Then he got up and put his hand on my shoulder.-Hang in there, Monroe.-He gave me an assuring look and then left.

I felt even worse than I did before. I was feeling like utter crap! I felt like an addict! I was trying to stay clean but I needed the drug more than I needed my own fucking life! And Ace was my drug. I couldn't stop recalling that kiss... How our lips seemed to be perfectly coordinated like it was meant to be! Like we had practiced it a hundred times before! I felt such a connection with him... Something far beyond our material world. Something I never felt before... Not even for Richard and Juliet who raised me and loved me! Ace was that addictive melody you can't get off of your head, that candy you're absolutely in love with, that desert always putting water in your mouth... He was that tasteful mirage in the middle of the desert... Ace was a lot of perfect things. His only flaw was that he wasn't mine.

Out of the blue, I felt observed and before I could even raise my eyes, I knew he was watching me. I looked up and, from across the room, there he was, smoking his cigarette, slowly staring at me. When our eyes met, we both knew what was on each other's mind. My breathing speeded up right away. I know his did too because our chemistry never lied. We could only recall how each other's lips felt, how they tasted... I believe it should be a form of torture, putting two people who love each other so intensely separated by a room of people and a giant wall of self awareness. If it's not torture, it is indeed as close to hell as I've ever been.

After staring at each other, with lust in our mundane bodies and love in our celestial soul, for what seemed to be a lifetime, my eyes flew over to Jax who was staring at me too. When our eyes met, he looked at Ace, who caught his stare too. He didn't even need to speak. We both knew he was telling us to cut it off but how do you cut off your own roots?! I had had enough. I grabbed my glass and slammed it against the counter right next to Jax.

-I'm leaving.-I told him.

-What do you mean?-He was surprised.

-I mean that I won't get my ass back here any time soon.

-Are you still a member of the club?-He took a sip of his drink.

-If you need my services, you know where to find me.-I left.

I just couldn't stand being there anymore. I felt like Jax and Ace were tearing me apart, one pulling me by the reason and another pulling me by love! I needed to get myself together before I could face that losing war again. I needed distance from the club and all that it involved.