That Stupid List (A Seventeen Fanfic)

Chapter 76: Namu Amita Bul

Wonwoo started looked for new housing the very day Mingyu basically kicked him out. He searched for hours and hours without end, but everything he came across was either too expensive or too far away.

Wonwoo really, really, really did not feel like searching for housing right now; it was another burdensome thing to add to everything else pulling him down at that moment. Everything seemed to be falling apart for him, and all he wanted to do was sulk and maybe even cry. He was so stressed out with everything that was happening, with the homophobia and the bigotry, with his parents and their impending visit, and he even had four papers to write that week. He felt so overwhelmed and so tired, and so inescapably unhappy.

Of course, the primary source of his unhappiness was not the homophobia, nor his parents, and certainly not the stress of the coursework. The primary source of his unhappiness was none other than Mingyu. The more Wonwoo dwelt on the conversation through which Mingyu kicked him out of the dorm, the more convinced Wonwoo was that Mingyu hated him. Of course he hated him. Wonwoo hated himself, and so it only made sense that Mingyu did too. Unrequited love is painful, but it's even more painful to be hated by the person for whom you have that unrequited love.

Wonwoo considered dropping out of college many times, but when he did, he remembered that he only had his parents' home to go to, and that was absolutely not a desirable solution for him at all. He would sooner kill himself then go back and live with them.

Wonwoo eventually did cry. He was hopelessly browsing the Internet for some cheap dorm when he burst, and tears began to stroll down his cheek. Dark thoughts ran through his head, thoughts that no person should ever have, thoughts of ending it, of ending everything... to stop being a burden to his Mingyu, to end the stress, to end the ridicule.

Wonwoo blocked that thought out as soon as it came. He needed comfort; he really, really needed immediate comfort now. He considered calling Jin or Seokmin or Sena, but shied away when he realized how hard he was actually crying.

Pacing around the room could not calm him down. Lying down on his mattress could not calm him down. Not even After School's "When I Fall" could calm him down (it actually made it worse).

He naturally found himself attracted to that statue of the Buddha in the room, and he sat down cross-legged in front of it. Namu Amita Bul. Namu Amita Bul. Namu Amita Bul. "I take refuge in the Buddha of Inconceivable Light."

He tried to say that prayer that Mingyu said every night, and for a moment, he tried to believe in that Buddha of Inconceivable Light. That transcendent thing other religions called God. People take refuge in it. People find comfort in it. And he needed comfort; he needed it so badly. He needed to take refuge in something, anything, even if he didn't believe in it. Prayer gave people comfort, didn't it?

"Namu Amita Bul. Namu Amita Bul. Namu Amita Bul."

He repeated quickly, clumsily, trying to clear his mind, trying to believe in it, trying to calm down before he hit rock bottom.

When he became accustomed to that prayer on his tongue, rock bottom somehow became further away. The prayer elevated him enough to forget about the world for just a moment and stop .

The prayer desensitized him so much, that he did not even notice that Mingyu had entered, witnessed the scene of Wonwoo praying and vulnerable before him, and sat beside him in front of the statue. It was only when Mingyu started chanting the prayer with Wonwoo that Wonwoo snapped out of it. He turned his neck abruptly to Mingyu, who did not discontinue chanting despite Wonwoo stopping.

Wonwoo felt extemely embarrassed and stupid. He was so embarrassed, that he could not even stay in the same room as Mingyu in that moment. As Mingyu prayed, Wonwoo trailed away and left the room and the building.